Thanks for sharing about you motivation. Have you been seeing a doctor regarding your addiction to narcotics? It is really important that you get this under control in order to deal with depression.
My motivation? My best friend, Gail. Without me, i have no idea where she would be financially. She is solely dependent on me right now- she's in a really bad spot. So that gives me motivation to keep going and not think too much about suicide because I care so much about her and i know she loves me and I don't think the either of us know what she would do without me. not to sound vain, but i hear this from her a lot. She also keeps me happy because my happiness brings her happiness and that's all i really want at this point. i think it's a little unhealthy to be so emotionally dependent on someone but i can't help it. the only bad thing about her is that she does not believe i am addicted to meth. she just thinks i "enjoy it more than i should". So she is not really my support system on that. Don't know what to do about that.
I'm not too sure about the notion of 'validating my journey'. I really can't see life as a journey. It's just a biological thing that will end some time.
I suppose I could have put a more positive spin on my initial response to this question. Sense of duty/obligation could have been written as 'love'. As Jimmy perceived, it is my love/duty to my family that makes me hold things together and keep my despair a private thing. And the fear ... is related to that. I fear breaking down totally, doing what I really want to, which is to take to my bed and not come out. But I can't do that - I have to earn a living for my family. And the number of times I have gone out at lunchtime from work and just wanted to walk and keep walking, disappear and not return, are countless. Again, I know I can't do that - I have too many obligations, too much love you could say, for what is love but the taking on and carrying out of obligations without resentment? The fear is that one day the desire to abandon it all and hide under the covers will be just too strong, the despair will be too ruthless, and reason will be destroyed. So I hold myself tight, wear the smiles, and keep on keeping on. To quote Samuel Beckett '...in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.'
Maybe that's my journey, and the validation therein is continued 'normal' daily existence.
I have to also agree that family is what keeps me going. I was brought up that way. But that unconditional love that comes from them and the support is also great. I try to reciprocate the support in their endeavors. Ah, and a grandchild, what a motivator. I will get out of bed for her!!!!!!!
