Hello, I am new here obviously. I am 22 years old and live in Canada, (maybe my problem is seasonal affective disorder lol jks with all the cold weather here!)
Anyways a bit about me. I grew up always having emotional difficulties, controlling my anger and sadness. I started going to therapy when I was 12 years old and they diagnosed me as dystimic or how ever you spell it. I think my sadness and constant low mood stemmed from my thoughts, my life situation, I was being bullied alot at school, and my family life wasnt very stable at the time, my father was cheating on my mother and would have violent outburst although never hitting us he would throw things around and smash things and it was scary. So I think thats where some of my anxiety came from as well. But I also know growing up I was just kind of a nervous kid a bit, very serious at times, other times pretty carefree and outgoing. When I was younger 12 or 13 I would get really hyper and do outragous things for attention but I kind of grew out of that. I was a pretty shy sad kid growing up. I cut my wrists, I would drink vinager so I would throw up and harm myself and I would burn myself, hit myself in the head with brushes and pinch my self that kind of stuff, I didnt know how to control my emotions.
In high school I didnt cut as much but I started drinking and experimenting with drugs. I hated the drugs pretty much, but loved the drinking. I was still very shy and nervous person with low self esteem and drank to over come my shyness and nervousness at parties and I felt really lonely at school so I would drink alcohol there and sometimes buy mouth wash just for the alcohol content plus I was under age. I started selling my body for alcohol and cigarettes and money and would meet many guys online sometimes just to have sex. I did it because it gave me a rush a thrill it was dangerous and it felt good to feel desired by guys and paid attention to plus I always got liqour in return most of the time. It was dangerous though and I would get assaulted sometimes. I didnt cut as much of burn anymore. But I had a few suicide attempts and had to be hospitalized.
Graduated high school still drinking and partying meeting up with strange men online, getting hurt but I hardly cared as much anymore. I was then sent to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. And I am now under going treatment for it. It is a great program. I still drink but not as much I hope to come to the point where alcohol does NOTHING to me anymore, and I try to avoid my urges to do that. I still meet up with guys online although rarely. I get little from it anymore. and really want to stop that behaviour. I still have low moods alot and sometimes it feels cripling. When I am majorly depressed it usually has to do with a situational thing, like being fired, or assaulted or a death and I lose all self confidence inmyself. I am just looking for support in regaining my self esteem I am feeling better about myself than I did a few weeks ago, because I am presuing my goal to go back to school I am just hoping I get in and I know either way I will have some issues with depression self esteem and most pressing for me in my anxiety. I think anxiety is the main reason why I get depressed or drink. followed by depression.
thanks for reading if you did.
