Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Dear <edited>

It has been four days since you left us, and I can't tell you how much it hurts us that you left. I created this blog in the hopes that you will at least read it from time to time. What prompted me to start it was when I told <edited> that although you said hello, you also wanted us to leave you alone for now. Do you remember the look on his face when you left? How his lip pouted out? When he heard that you say hello, and you miss him, he asked me to tell you that he loves you more than anything in the Multi-Verse, and you can't top that. That is when I had to tell him your wishes. I can't lie to him about this, and that is when he broke down. Again.

I am still battling with the fact that your leaving was so sudden, with no signals that you were leaving. You tell me now that it's something you needed to do, and that you were unhappy for a long time, and that I wasn't willing to change. When I countered the fact that I had been fixing everything that I could, whenever you asked, you couldn't reply with more than you just need time then.

My heart is broken my love.

I know that you sought the advise of your mother in this, and although I understand that you obviously would as she is your mother. I feel you have forgotten that she never approved of me, and merely tolerated me for your sake. Thus her opinions will naturally, and obviously be selfish in nature. Many of our texts to eachother over the past few days also did not sound like you at all. More like someone coaching you on what to say. I know you very well my love, just as well as you know me.

In the past four years, I have never once gave up on you, throughout your addictions to alcohol, cutting, and the drugs. You often tell me, and our friends and family that you put me through hell, and that I stuck by you anyways. It's all I ask in return as well. Stick by me as I have always stuck by you. This is what a marriage is about. I understand that we were merely common-law, and I was in the process of making the plans to propose to you. That is what our trip to Banff was going to be, my proposal weekend. June 26th was the date I had set.

You had suggested some counseling for us, and when you looked, it was all very expensive. More expensive than we could afford. But I found out that my friend has used them for her and her husband who have been through far worse than us, and they are still going strong after 31 years. She gave me the numbers today, and I want us to try them. If you have ever loved me, you would want to try as well.