Hi there--
I'm writing to introduce myself. I spent a good part of today looking all over the Internet for a place where I could talk to others about some of what I've been going through--I've been feeling so isolated & afraid.
About three months ago, my bf left me unexpectedly. This was after I had moved across the country to be with him, which I found really stressful, & precipitated a depressive episode. So basically, I'd been dealing with depression for about 6 months before he left, but ironically, just in the couple of weeks before he left, I was starting to get a feel for my new home, & was starting to feel okay for the first time in a while.
But it was already too late--he was completely worn out by my mood, & had nothing left to give me. So that was it. The end of all our plans for a future together. He also left me in a really ***y way: he sent a letter to me when I was on vacation--had it all planned out so it would be waiting for me when I arrived--& I haven't seen him since. Basically, I was in shock. And it was the worst possible way for him to handle things, as I have a history of attachment & abandonment issues.
So long story short, I ended up in a hospital for a month. But it didn't help. My depression is extremely treatment resistant, & medications just don't tend to work for me. I was released, & am now living very close to good friends. But that is a complicated situation as well, in part because they are married & I am feeling so alone. Also, I have nothing to do with my days at this point (I am a grad student, but was transitioning from one program to another this past year, & at this point, I'm not even sure I'll be able to make it back to school in September.)
So basically, I am terrified in every way. All I do is think about the past & all I've lost. I can't imagine ever having another relationship, which is what I want most of all, & since I don't feel strong enough to fill my days with meaningful work now, I'm not sure how I ever will. The panic is as bad as the depression.
I made my way through a lot of the material in the first section today. I've been holding out hope for CBT, though I think it would be easier for me to do if I had the help of a therapist (I'm in the process of looking for someone good right now; it's been hard to find.) But I know that my thoughts do a number on me. They are all so unrelentingly negative. Also, I think it would help me a lot just to have some contact with other who have been through or who are going through something like what I am.
~Jo
