Hi Viking 195,
That sounds so very frustrating for you. What a tough situation to be in. I wish I could give you advice, but I am actually on the other side of the story. For the past year or more, I had mentally checked out of my marriage. I truly wanted to leave, but when I couldn't figure out how to do it without being full of regrets, I started contemplating suicide. I am sure my depression played a huge role in all of this
I am sure my situation is very different from yours, but from my husband's point of view, it is very similar. In response to me pulling away and being so silent and resentful all the time, he worked harder, got nicer, and helped out more.
I am still trying to figure out why I started to put up a wall of silence between us. Before I got help with my depression, I could not think about it. But now that I am feeling better, I can start addressing these issues. I now see that many instances of trust has been broken; drug use has been involved, possessiveness, jealousy, one person having expensive hobbies while the other shops at thrift stores while taking care of everything at home, etc. I have just painted a bleak picture, but there is a lot of good mixed in with the bad, such as a wonderful parent, very faithful, always comes home on time, etc. Like most marriages, it is a mix of good with the bad.
It sounds like your wife may be in a very different place than I am, but hopefully, she will start to “want” to make things better. That is the first step to healing.
I am willing to do it, but I am struggling. I have never told him how I feel about a lot of things that have hurt me, so I promised him I would write a long letter. I am working on the letter now. I have promised myself that I would not hold anything back, no matter how much it might hurt for him to read it. I have a trip planned to see family, and I plan to give it to him before I leave. He promised he would read the letter, and think about it while I am gone. Then he said he wants to get marriage counseling after that.
I think, once I got treatment, I was able to start to see the good in him again. Sometimes with depression, all I could see was the bad.
I am not sure what my story really has to do with your particular situation, but when I read your story, I thought, that is me, but I am the woman. I must seem just awful to my husband. I am really trying to be better. I am surprised he even put up with me last year!
I guess the most important thing I can tell you is both parties have to want to make things better. I don't know how to go about making someone else want something (not even sure it is possible), but I do know that I was suffering from untreated depression, and until I got treatment, I didn't want the relationship to get better. Before treatment, I just blamed my husband for everything, thinking I was just feeling bad because of him. But now I know differently. He did contribute some to how I felt, but the depression made everything just seem so much worse.
I hope you and your wife are able to open some lines of communication.
"wondering if there's anything even left to save.. hell.. at this point - I'm wondering if there was ever anything there at all in the first place."
I remember being at this place. It is such a hard place to be at. I can now see that yes, there was something there, and yes, there is something left to save. But boy can it not seem like that during the blackest moments.
Thank you for sharing your story. It has made me rethink how much my husband must be suffering as I am working things out in my mind.
