Hi all, its Ladybug a.k.a Dazed and Confused...
the joy of ups and downs.... i was reading through some of the sessions and once i got to the homework, i got overwhelmed, shee this, sheet that, and right away i felt my procrastination kick in... ahhh ..... god.. this is going to be hopeless...
I've had an annoying day, actually overall it was ok, was just annoying myself being me, so when i was meeting my friend today for our regular walk in the park, i got annoyed with the people in the park in the parking lot.... it was a busy day in the park and getting parking was a battle and patience was not on my side, so that totally added to my daily dose of annoyance :(... i really dont know why i got so annoyed over a parking spot, but it pretty much got me in a funk for the rest of the night...
I saw my ex again this week after a couple months of not seeing him?... just tired to deal with these situation... he tells me that things will be different.... I'm just not sure...
I think i just want my 'zest' back to have that feeling that i can get anything done, i just feel that in the past few years i've been waiting for my life to start, its like i have been a passenger in my own life but not living it, the past few years have been a blur :(...
My mandra was/is 'where there is a will, there is a way' right now i'm just stuck on this 'i want, i want, i want' mentality of 'gimme gimme never get'... :( i'm tired of waiting for my life to start, i feel like i'm waiting for some sign that i can move on to better things... i just don't know what that is yet... I'm usually a planner and plan out how i want things to be done, but now a days im just indifferent .. and i dont know what is holding me back, fear- am i not going to be good at my next job, failure- i'm screwed up....... I make plans to improve my career situation, but is it something that i really want to be doing, or am i just doing it to be doing something, hoping that once i finish this next step, i will have a change of pace for the next couple of yrs and then i will find myself in the same old rut, not happy with the job, not happy with myself, not happy with my life...
Main issues:
- bored with my job/ financial worry
- have a bit of the 'case of the ex'
- overall bored :(
God good thing this is anonmous, cuz i sound quite pathetic, I just reread this... Oh well... maybe someone can enjoy some of my rants...
so far my daily goal is to keep up with my readings for my self-pace course i'm taking and still doing my daily walks... for the most part the walks help, but even that some times spending too much time with my friends can be a bit overwhelming, too much talk, people love to talk talk talk..
That's all for now... I'm gonna try and catch up on some of the activitiy sheets... they weren't kidding when they said this is a lot of work...
Later,
Ladybug
... I guess I have alway been dealing with depression from a young age, but I was always trying to reason with myself that I couldnt be suffering from depression, as for the most part I come from a normal family, have good friends, have an ok job, to the outside person, my life should be just peachy... but unfortunately, I dont see it like that, I've been called a cynic several times over the past 3 years, I just always viewed myself as a harsh realist, where some people say I'm a pessimist.... "my depression for the most part has been getting worse over the past 3 years, after a very sad break-up, which is still unresolved... he now wants us to try and see if we can work on things to get back together, I dont know if i can try that, as i dont know if i have trust that i won't be hurt again...that we can work again... i know he wasns kids, i'm not sure i want kids, never was crazy sold on the idea.. he thinks i need to investigate why i dont want kids???... I think i know why i dont want kids, but he thinks that its just me running away from life... " Lord... sometimes its just too hard to have to deal with all these issues, i'm a fairly educated female, who can have the world at my fingertips, and i feel like a 2nd grader feeling all emotional because i can't figure out how to make the next part of my life work... 
