Thanks for your response. I know I should be completely open with my therapist and for the most part I have a positive dialogue with her but I have been seeing her weekly for over a year now and I know that there are certain fundamental things that she is looking to see me establish, like eating better, maintaining a routine, going to sleep at the same time each night, exercising more, meditating, etc...and I struggle with these areas so much because of where my life is at that I just can't seem to get these things in order. And I feel like something is holding me back from doing these things but I can't seem to get past whatever it is. I know that eating better and sleeping more routinely will make me feel better mentally, I know this but why can't/won't I do it?
I feel like my therapist won't move past this issue until I show some stability in some of these areas and I can understand why she might be doing this, but I feel stuck and so sometimes I get really frustrated during therapy, feeling like I am spinning my wheels.
The past few years have been particularly hard for me so I have been dealing with some external life struggles, on top of my own internal issues I have dealt with my whole life.
Very briefly; my career took a downward spiral, I am struggling to find full time employment in my field, my relationship with my partner has suffered as a result of my depression, we have taken two separations as a result and are currently not living together due to all the issues we have been having, 6 months ago my father passed away and I had been acting as the primary caregiver for him for the past year or so (really much longer than that) after he became terminally ill, two months ago I found a client who had passed away in his sleep, had to deal with an investigation to determine whether myself or any other staff failed to follow proper procedure in the case, as a result of my professional and relationship problems am now in financial distress, I now have to stay with a friend's mother due to my unstable income and recent separation of my partner. There are a few more issues to do with friends and my familial distress but that's the gist of it.
I am not saying any of this for sympathy or pity, just to give a context of the year I have been having. So to answer why I think this time is perhaps darker, I am sure this is why I have hit the breaking point where I feel I can no longer cope with life's struggles like I have been able to in the past. Too many blows for me to feel like I can recover.
So this is what I am struggling with.
Thanks for listening/reading
