I have a habit of blaming myself for everything anyway, even if things are out of my control. In this case regardless of anything else it is my fault, I was the one who did it and that is not something I can change no matter how much I wish I could

 

I have been looking for help for so long but its always been for the wrong things which is so frustrating now. Yes I've found out whats wrong but it all seems a little late which is sad really because it need not have been

 

I am seeing a councilor on Tuesday for a full assesment and have been talking to my friends inbetween who have been so supportive considering the circumstances. We are/where a big group of friends and I am so shocked by there reaction, I expected wide spread hostility and apart from a couple, the others have simply shown shock and worry

Hi Richeryyy,

 

I am so sorry to hear this.  This must be a very frightening and confusing time for you.  I can hear how upset you are because this is so out of your character.  I am glad you went to seek help.  Please try to find as many resources as you can.  Since this is so out of your character I would try to talk to a psychologist in getting a diagnoses.  Psychotic episodes can occur when depression, alcohol and stress are involved.  I am not a doctor but it is worth looking into.  Due to this being so out of character and dangerous behaviour getting professional help is essential.   This program is designed to help individuals with mild to moderate depression.  Although this program may help you, I want to stress again that professional help is very important.

 

If you do not remember what happened I am wondering what is making you put so much blame on yourself? 

Hey there,

 

I'm honestly do not know where to start with my problems. I am 27, a nice, kind loving person. I adore my family and friends and always try and do the best by everyone I love and care about. I am not an angry person by nature, I am not a violent person infact I hate confrontation and I have never been in trouble with the Police
I have been looking for answers now for nearly 2 years. I have been to the doctors and hospital to have various tests done. The test were to do with whether I have an issue with my inner ear, which in turn causes me to feel giddy and unbalanced alot and in turn leads to panic and anxiety attacks like you wouldn't believe (but I'm sure some would) Nobody seemed to have any idea what was causing it.
This was until Sunday morning when I woke up, covered in my own urine in Police Custody. I had been struggling with a cold all week (I constantly get colds and "bugs") and when it got to the weekend I was feeling mildly better. All my friends moan I haven't been spending anytime with them or avoid doing things with them. My girlfriend was working nights and had been all week and I'd been loanly and fed up with feeling panicy on my own so I decided to go out, even though frankly I really didn't want to. I even attempted to contact another friend to go and help him decorate his flat but to no avail so off I went. After a few drinks I was feeling better, as I normally do (I do not drink everyday or even every week) so the night carried on. Then the night went blank. In custody it was explained to me that I had gotten home, bitten my girlfriend serveral times on the arm, punched her in the leg and then grabbed her hand and started punching myself in the face. I was in total shock.
I do not really remember much about my time in there but was released about mid day sunday with a summons to court for Assault by Battery (Max term 6 Months in prison) and banned from seeing her or going home.
I rang my parents who, as usual, where very supportive and went home. There I sat, totally dazed not knowing what to say, think or feel.
Later on my phone rang and it was one of my better friends. I did the usual and ignored it but he left a message so I listen to him ask me to call him. No abuse no shouting just very severe. I rang him, "Scott (scott was my best friend, we stopped really talking as I had withdrawn and didn't communicate with him or anyone unless via my girlfriend anymore) and I are coming over to see you, were very worried"

They drove the 20 miles to see me. I have never seen too people who weren't parents look more worried or concerned in my life. By the end of the conversation/lecture I had a pretty good idea that something was seriously wrong with me and that I was, by my actions, in some real deep trouble.
The next day my parents made an appointment at the doctor who I happen to know through work. I spent 45mins with him (the average now in the uk is 5 and that also summs up my previous experiance). By the end, even to me it was obvious that I had severe depression.

For as long as I can remember I have had probably most if not all the symtoms but never pieced any togeather.
So great, now I have the answer to a question I've been asking for ages and the outcome, No relationship, No home and possiblity of jail.

I have an appointment on Tuesday with a councilor which I am paying for as the NHS can take weeks but I keep drifting in and out of happines at having found out what has been wrong with me for the last 8-10 years (I have had these symptons previously but they went not long after my last full term relationship ended), feelings of guilt, despair and absolte self ashame at what i did to her and total terror at the possiblity of prison.

 

I know this is all my own doing and fault but I'