Hi willtolive,
I think a big component of depression is wanting to 'avoid' the world out there... this could be for a lot of reasons.. because it feels cold, harsh, overwhelming, because we feel uncapable of taking care of ourselves... because future looks grim, or because we just feel too exhausted to 'do' life...to face the daily challenges, to deal with people and dissapointments, etc.
Yes rebuilding your life and showing up for yourself again does feel a bit scary sometimes but is a must if we want to regain control of our lives. Is also necessary to build a 'core', a sense of self that we can rely on. I think this is one of the best things about recovery, the sense of regaining control of your life and knowing that you are doing this by yourself, yes with the help of professionals like your therapist, the Health Educators here, etc. but at the end of the day you are doing the hard work and the effort. Is such a great feeling.
Little achievements here and there will help you to do this, and hopefully there will come a day when we feel that we can take care of ourselves, that the world is not such a terrible place after all, that the future doesn't look as dark as we thought it did, and that life is worth living indeed... and that we do have the capability of taking care of ourselves and loving ourselves and we can take our future in our own hands. Every day lived with integrity, self respect, self love, compassion and care will take us near to that goal.
Keep doing some soul searching and you'll find the answer :) but I can tell you that for me, the answer was that I just didn't want to 'do' life or to show up for myself. I felt entitled to having someone 'fixing' my life for me. I felt life 'owed' me. That is not true. Yes I may have some disadvantages (genetic, emotional upbringing etc) but I can not use those as my excuses to avoid getting better. They are just challenges on my recovery. Sometimes I still like I want to 'retreat' and be 'taken care of', but the more I learn how to take care of myself and trust my capability to do so, the less I feel the need to 'retreat'. Hope this makes sense :)
