I think it is all about perception. And when I am stressed and low. I look at the world from the bottom of a pit with high dark sides. I feel alone. I feel isolated. When I think then I know I am not in these situations. I can talk to people. I can ask for help. I can have interactions and discussions.
Somehow, When I are fine I am not stuck in a pattern. Thoughts flow and everything is easy. I am not worried. I can do this and living is not a chore. I can focus. But when I am low. O bother. I know it is my illness that has but my cart of thoughts into a mud road. It is slow and stuck and dirty. I wish I had a hose!
Of course then there are the times when I am on a sheet of ice when the cart slides around and all I want to do is run. Run to the goal. Run to the mountain while pushing my cart and my husband's. Run faster. Run away.
So how do I find the water to wash it all away? How do I find the straight road again? How do I force these feeling back to the straight and narrow? Where is the reset?
I would love to learn more about what makes me tick. WHat makes so volitile and sensitive sometimes. If I could live with less feelings I would have a chance to get to know them better. Right now, I am overwhelmed by them so often and cannot make out what they are. (I never learned to feel as a kid so I have to so now as a 30-something...) But right now they are complex and muddled and often intense.
I have a great therapist and we are working on all this in my second language - French. What I need is to organise and look at what I am feeling - I guess. I am in this learning phase and have precious little vocabulary for the lump in my throat. It comes at all occations (good and bad) and I cry to release it. But that lump must have some other release ! I see others laugh and yell and giggle and and well there must be something more. I do not want to be stuck in the same patterns forever.
I'm sorry you are feeling excluded at work. That can be really hard and hurtful. Feeling connected to people at work can really help get you through the work day; on the other hand feeling excluded can be demoralizing!
How do you want to address this situation Wildcat? What do you need right now?
I need to vent and get some new ideas. When I am in a slump I get caught with some negative idea and it will not leave me...
The year in an exciting project is coming to an end. I will have to go back to my dull routine soon. And maybe not! A new accounting program is coming in and will make my job nearly obsolete. My supervisor mentioned in passing ... not a reassuring meeting or anything like that ... that they will find me something to do. In the mean-time, I am doing the project and I am watching my team-mates doing their training and their testes (all the exciting and team building stuff).
I felt left out of everything this year since I was on this project. Alone and unwanted. I have had precious little moral support. Well, not as much as I needed, taken into account who I am and what I have. Also, taken into account what I was put through when I said I wanted the project. The human resources point out asked if I was healthy enough for it since this boss had to be able to count on me! I had to justify my health! Explain I was being followed by a therapist and my meds were keeping me stable since several months!!! Imagine. Does she ask the diabetics if they have any symptoms of insulin rejection? or if the cardiacs and the peptic-ulcers if they are on the smoking patch or giving up coffee? But Me .... Also, I was left left out of the annual gift exchange. These are team-building experiences that are important to me.
So I feel, down and I feel like I am only a drone. I only contribute a set of skills and an amount of work to the dept. It ends there. I am not an acquaintance nor a friend. If I am not there it is an annoyance because everyone has to pick up the slack I left ... I know I am more, but I feel less. And it is this split that is killing me right now. I cannot pick apart the feeling. It keeps overwhelming me. It is what is exhausting me.
