Hi.
I'm terrible with these introductory things but I'll take a swing at it anyway since I came here to talk and that's what I'm going to do!
My name doesn't matter at this point, you can call me 'Sev' or 'D'. I'm 21 years old and I'm a community support worker and aid to adults with learning difficulties and physical disability.
I have been suffering for years with what I always thought was depression. It runs down both sides of my family and neither of my parents were particularly surprised when I began displaying depressive symptoms from a very young age. My mother recalls the first time she 'knew' there was something amiss with me when I was a baby but moreso when I reached the age of six years old, when I used to scribble on the lounge walls and had a notebook where I kept random lists and self hatred messages.
I was so emotional in school, constantly suffering with fits of crying, that my mother felt forced to take me out of school. I barely remember anything from my school years, but apparently I was bullied. I only remember the names of the kids and that one of them had blonde curly hair. I was taken out of school at age seven to be home-schooled by my mother.
I began self harming at around age 9. I'd had an argument with my mother. I started doing more significant damage from around age 14. I don't believe there was a trigger.
I began noticing a difference in my moods over the last two or so years, but more than ever over the last six months; not only have I been depressed with occassional moodswings, I have also noticed that I am having extreme euphoria at random intervals. Seems good, right? Like a step in the right direction... In this time though, I become very confused, unable to concentrate on anything and I make bad decisions, such as excessive self harm, crossing the road when there are cars blatantly heading toward me (and the odd police car, for the added thrill), more likely to consume alcohol depsite my kidney problem as well as spending money I don't have. When I was single, I slept around a lot, had flings with women and men. The scariest part though, is a sense that I have no control and a feel of derealization. I can see and feel time going faster and slower and I feel as though I don't really exist or that I'm on a different level or dimesion to other people. This has now become present regardless of if I am 'high' or 'low'.
I now wonder if my past excessive drug use for three years as a teenager might have contributed and 'opened up' this new symptom. I am now clean of all drugs and do not drink due to my kidney issues. My drug of choice was mainly marijuana. I have never used LSD or speed.
I went to see two GP's about the issues with the moodswings, not really completely connecting the dots with that linking to the depression, and both suggested it could be Cyclothymia. Regardless of this, neither of them prescribed me any medicine as they wanted me to speak to a mental health proffessional. On my second visit with a GP, I w
