Brightsunnyday. your first sentence really resonated with me. I feel like I am in a similar position.
One thing that has become absolutely clear to me over the years, that only those people who have experienced depression (or at least lived compassionately with a family member who has) just cannot figure it out in their own mind. No-one can know how depression is both numbing and, at the same time, oh so painful. Pain. It's pain.
No-one can know what lengths a depressed person might go to to have just a little bit of relief. Not even looking for long-term relief, but just looking for whatever relief you can muster to give you a break from this paralyzing disease. I have friends who are physically paralysed, and when they describe their frustration at understanding everything about the world around them but yet not being able to interact or engage in that world, it sounds awfully similar to the feelings I have.
Ive done some good things to help depression, and some bad things. The good part is that I now practice mindfulness. That's about living in the present, and the release from having to worry about anything else is beautiful! My bad strategy is alcohol. It helps me feel like everything is OK and everyone is happy.
My difficulty is that my spouse is absolutely focused on the alcohol. I keep telling him that the alcohol is a response to something more serious. But he just can't see that. He thinks that if the alcohol is controlled, everything will be OK again.
I can't tell you how insulted that makes me feel. If I stop drinking, but nothing else in my life changes, I can't see how things will ever be better for me. As you can tell, I'm feeling very sad tonight. And very unmotivated.
Sorry Folks.
