After my mini melt down last week, I was advised by my PCP to take 30 days off work. At first I was full of angst and guilt - how could I do that to them?! No, I HAD to work! Then I slowly realized they had piled on all that stress and that's why I was where I was. They clearly had no reciprocal feelings of "how can we pile all that work on her?!", so I just said yes - this is the perfect time. And besides, I need to regroup. Refocus. Get a grip. Don't I?
So I decided not to waste these 30 days if I could help it. When I feel good I do everything I can to catch up on my life. My "real life" - - the one that has gotten away from me, buried under mountains of work and stress and traveling and isolation. Then, I started making so many appointments (the car repair, a dentist, the DMV, my hair stylist, and 3 doctors) that I started to feel overwhelmed again. Commitments and obligations seem to juice up my feelings of fear and I start to retreat.
I'm back to easing off things again. I'm on new medication. I see a new therapist this week and my PCP this week too. I'm starting a weight loss plan to see if the way in which my depression has manifested can be "attacked" - I have eaten my pain for far too long. Exercising regularly is next, but again, I have to ease into the commitments.
I think the hardest thing is trying to figure out whether going back to my old job is realistic. Sometimes I wish they'd fire me. Sometimes I'm ambitious, and sometimes I want to prove I can do it. Then I get scared I can't. Life is just one big see saw right now.