Thank you for the encouragement Ashley. Helps me persevere. Your second paragraph is a powerful one. I need to make some signs and post them around my work space...
SOMETIMES I CAN'T AND EVEN SHOULD NOT CHANGE HOW I FEEL
IT IS ONLY THE DISTORTIONS AND BELIEFS THAT NO LONGER WORK WHICH NEED TO CHANGE
May be the motivation for my next art project. Wise words. Thank you for articulating this so well.
My pleasure. That's why I am here. Honestly ~m, each time I post with you I can see you bouncing back much more quickly. I know it may not feel like it sometimes but you really have made a ton of progress.
You are absolutely right, it is normal to have negative emotions. Sometimes you can't or even shouldn't change how you feel about a situation...focus on the other times. It is normal to feel angry sometimes too. It's only the distortions and beliefs that are no longer working for you that we want to change.
What is important about being "done" with the emotional work? Well, earlier I stated that it is very freeing, but that's a fantasy born out of denial isn't it? I am human. Human's have emotions... healthy ones anyway. Honestly, time to accept that truth and move on.
I will never be done. I know from experience, however, that it is possible to manage emotional turmoil with more confidence and quicker resolution. I have the tools. Now if I could just find them... again and take better care of them in the future.
Thank you Ashley for listening and responding. It helps. Really helps to feel heard.
It sounds like this walking away is really costing you ~m. I hear all your pain holding you back on one side then on the other hand I hear you intellectually think doing the homework will be helpful. It sounds like a stuck situation full of guilt. Spiralling through these thoughts over and over again sounds exhausting! Then to top it all off you are worried if it will ever end. No wonder you don't feel like trying! It seems so big and daunting when looking at the situation through the lens you are using. Don't get me wrong I can see how you feel this way but I think we can both clearly see this lens is not serving you.
So let's examine some of your fears. What would it look like if the work was done? How would you know the work was done? What is important about being done?
I'm on Session 8, Core Beliefs... again. I'm afraid of opening up hurt, guilt, loss... all the fun stuff you have to go through to get to the core. Intellectually I know it is totally worth it. Intellectually I know I have survived looking at core beliefs before. It is always freeing once the work is done. I'm afraid the work will never BE DONE. I would rather just walk away. The fear wins.
Rewards? ugh. Even my "rewards" have become just something to check off my to do list. They have become chores that I "should" do. The only thing that still sort of feels like a reward is allowing myself a glass of wine in the evening... but I never stop at just one so that becomes a point of shame. Just another opportunity to "walk away". The fear wins.
I feel tangled up, defeated... can't negotiate the mess of knowing, feeling, doing, wanting, should-ing, shaming.
So, I guess I can't say "What Group?" anymore. I'm so glad more of you are posting and checking in. Feels like we almost do have a group right now. So what's up for you this week? Where are you in the program? Any thoughts, suggestions, questions??? I'd love to hear from you... One thing I've learned doing this program is that if I have a question or am feeling unsure about something... almost guaranteed that someone else is struggling in the same way. It helps to talk... ok, write... it out with others who understand.
Right now my trouble is actually DOING the homework for the session I'm on. Something scares me away from it... or maybe I'm just lazy. I dunno. Anyone else have this problem?
I have a list of to do's for the week, I'm sticking around here so I have a few projects to get done including cleaning out the garage, and my spare room....I've been procrastinating on that for a year..lol.
I will see the dr. and I want to do some work on my garden. I also have a fun things list, because I don't want to spend the whole week doing productive things. So I have a list of fun things too.
