Hi Ashley,
I have not had any experience with cbt. I will give it a try. Actually that is what brought me to this site. I started reading the "feeling good handbook" and somehow it redirected me here. I have my own theory of what Depression is. It is more of a metaphysical point of view. I don't like to think of it as an illness, but more as symptoms of something deeper within me that is telling me that something in my life is not right. Something is out of balance and I am not facing it.
If my memory is not playing tricks on me, I think I started this feelings of dispar when I met my husband 20 years ago. I was not in love with him but somehow I ended up marrying him and having children with him. He is 11 years older than me and I think now I was looking for someone to protect me. Like a father figure maybe. He was very in love with me. The relashionship has not been easy. Always fights...but I cannot see myself living separated from him. two years ago I decided that I was going to stop the fighting for the children's sake and I did! That was such a success for me. I refused to fight back and the constant bickering stopped. I felt so much lighter for two years. A lot more motivated. I started socializing again (which I had stopped for years) making new friends, taking dance lessons etc...but two weeks ago or so I started feeling ups and downs since I was not being consistent with the running. Now we started fighting again. He can be cruel with his mouth and that is what get me. last big fight we had was physical. It was three years ago and I promise to myself that if he would ever show me aggression towards me again I was not going to tolerate it. Well, it happen again! This morning...I did not responde back...since I did not want it to escalate like last time, but I have been crying all day. I am so angry at him right now! Iwant to hurt him back! I feel trapped. I don't have a career. I can't support myself and I don't trust myself to be consistent at any job. Being around people gives me anxiety. I feel that there is no other road for me than stay in this marriage until the kids leave home....and then what? Thats why I Think I suffer from depression. My life is out of balance. I was not like this before. I was a happy, beautiful woman...made everyone around me laugh....I was very social! adventurous! and happy! I know most people would think....but why stay if you are so miserable...Because I am afraid of facing life alone!
