I lost my job last month, that throw me into depression again. Well, let's say throw me into deep depression. I always feel depressed at certain levels, but I can't afford a professional or medication :(...I'm in South America - Bolivia. My father has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2008. We always knew he had mind problems. He was under medication for a year on and off and then he quited, he says that medicine makes him feel numb and that he can cope with it alone. I don't think so...he already got into a loooot of trouble. He tried to commit suicide two times, one before I was even born and another when my mother went to work to Spain. He had (or may still have) trouble with alcohol. He got a underage girlfriend and they have a kid...it weird. I always tend to talk a lot about my father since many people say we have similar temper...I don't know...I don't wanna be bipolar or sabotage my life.
I became aware of my depression in 2013...
In 2012 I ended up a relationship of nine years with a boy...I was born in 1988. We started that relationship when I was 15. Many things happen, now I know I had some problems with dealing with lies...he hide little things, as most imperfect human beings , and lied a little. I became really really disappointed of him...that changed me. But then I met this other guy who made me believe that tbere was worthy honest people in the world. I fell in love with him, or I thought I did...so I broke up with the previous guy. That brought a lot of trouble into my life because of the family relationships.my siblings got along with my ex boyfriend so well...and his family and everybody else thought we were forever. I was the villain of the story. A few months later I started to realize that my perfect guy wasn't that perfect. He made many little thing that made me think he wad in love with another girl...and so I fell...I can't recover since that thought got into my head...
It unleashed all of my detrimental behaviors...not that it is his fault. But, since than...u lost control. I'm sorry I'm in tears now since I hate not being able to recognize myself anymore. Depression is horrible and it holds you back from everything you could be...
my thoughts tell me I'm not enough for anybody and that they see me as something cheap and mediocre and that hurts me...I want to change my view and stop depending on "the love of my life". My current relationship reflects mycurrent status...trouble and changing...incomplete and unable to be clear...
I realize my ideas are very fuzzy and mixed now...I hope I can get better.
I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I hope that by the end of the month I'll get enough money to pay for the psychiatrist at the public hospital. I read that medication is important.
I am dealing with horrible headaches lately...they won't leave me...I just get some analgesics to cope with it. It happened before, they'll go away when my anxiety levels decrease.
The thing that triggered my deep depression was that I lost my job...but I've been analyzing my life over the years and I realized I've been depressed since I was a kid...for the trouble in my family.
I want to change that...I know it won't be easy. but I really wanna be who I wanna be. Not this person I can't recognize.
Thanks for reading...it feels weird to write about it just like that. I hope I'm not too ridiculous.
