Hi Missionim, oh my goodness your post touched my heart. Nothing makes me more anxious and stressed than any threat to the relationship with my child! Mom's aren't built to deal with that! I have felt the panic that those threats can cause. I think for you that although your children are reacting with fear now, they will actually grow into extra compassionate children/adults because they have seen first hand how hard anxiety can be for someone they love.
I am sorry to read how you have been feeling. It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot in your life and you are doing your best. Please try to have compassion with yourself. It is very common to think negatively when depressed but self-compassion is a key in starting to feel better. You are most certainly not pathetic or useless. What would you say to a close friend who felt the same way? Please try to use that same compassion with yourself.
I am very glad you are working with a doctor and a counselor. What are some things you have learned with your counselor? Also, have you considered speaking to a family counsellor to help you create a more healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex? I am sure that would sound like a daunting task for you but assistance in creating a more healthy relationship with your ex would likely effect your mental health as well. What are your thoughts on this?
I am 38 and have three biological children. Divorced twice, traumatic life etc etc. Its hard to pinpoint just really what started everything rolling but currently my main source of my depression and anxiety are my children and ex. It has got to the point where even just thinking of my ex (their father) kicks me into full panic mode. My kids are 14,16 and 19 and the two stay with their father. He manipulates and controls every aspect of me seeing them. He alters schedules which cause me to dive bomb into a depression after the panic and anxiety because I had to deal with him. I now avoid all situations I can that lead to any of this however it has now come to my attention my children no longer wish to reside there and because this illness is so debilitating I can't even help. I feel so useless and pathetic. Even writing this causes anxiety, which is stupid because I'm trying to get help in controlling how these issues can be mentally controlled. I have been on medication, some of them just make me more complacent and don't really address the issue. Others don't seem to do anything so we are still experimenting. I do see a counsellor on a semi regular basis but am finding even that I avoid because it means I have to go out and talk to someone.
Anyways, I know we are not alone but some days it makes it hard to see the sunshine when you block the window.
