First of all, I am so sorry to read all you have had to go through. I can only imagine how painful all that must have been for you. I wonder how the sexual abuse of your daughter impacted your ability to trust? I would imagine it could be terrifying to trust again after something as horrendous as that. I also wonder if any of those past feelings of disgust, betrayal, etc are coming up now and being re-triggered? I would imagine that you may be even more emotionally reactive due to the past trauma you have experienced. Do you think your past experiences may be fuelling your emotions to an even greater extent?
Now to address the porn. In one study I am aware of, 64% of american men report watching porn at least on a monthly basis. That is quite a lot of men! Many women are uncomfortable with their partners watching porn but many other women are ok with it. Some actually feel it strengthens the health of their relationship. Some women even watch porn with their partners. Other marriages are destroyed by porn addiction or by unhealthy sexual expectations. It really depends on the individuals and how they communicate and how they work to ensure porn does not interfere with the health of a relationship. It's important to determine what about him watching porn is the most painful for you, is it the deceit? The insecurities that arise? No matter what it is, it is important to talk about and come to an agreement you both feel comfortable with. What is he getting out of porn? Some men have higher sex drives then their partners so they use porn as a tool. Many men recognize porn is a fantasy and not real and they are balanced and healthy in how they use porn. At the same time, men who watch porn have to be comfortable being honest about their porn usage and talk to their partners if any insecurities come up. I am not sure to the extent of your partners porn usage - I am not sure if he is addicted to it, what types of porn he is viewing and if it interferes with your marriage; I am also not sure if you have voiced your concerns about porn in the past and he ignored this and lied to cover up porn use. If either is true then those issues will need to be addressed. I think you both will have a lot of talking to do to get through this. Try to steer clear from blaming and shaming as that often leads to more secretive behaviour. Even though there is a lot of pain try to see if you can understand where he is coming from. I hope you two are able to work through this as a team.
I am 41 years old, a mom to 5 in a blended family. I have survived domestic violence that ended with the sexual abuse of my daughter. I have been happily remarried for nearly 17 years, but recently discovered he has an alias social media account, used strictly for accessing porn.
Together, we have gone through the hardest court battles, imprisonment of my ex-husband, abandonment of his children by his ex-wife, loss of our youngest daughter, a cross-country move, buying our first home, raising 3 kids to adulthood, and so much more! Now, just weeks before the birth of our first grandbaby, I feel so betrayed.
I would appreciate the input of anyone in a similar situation. How do you cope? How do you not let this affect your self-esteem? How do you stay? (We're currently staying together on a roommate basis; he wants to try to fix it and has signed up for counselling.)
