My dear Monica,
When I read this post, my jaw about dropped! Even though I don't post much anymore, I still read quite frequently and I just HAD to log in to post to you. I'm so terribly sorry you are going through such a hard time, but just remember that God does not give you more to deal with than he knows you can handle. You are a fine quitter and I know that you will succeed. However, as one who HAS walked in your shoes, at least to some extent, I would like to offer you some words from my own experiences that may or may not be of any use to you. If it is, then I am very glad, but if it doesn't apply to your life, then that is fine too.
I first started this quit journey over a year and a half ago, but "slipped up" when I lost my job, was assaulted and dislocated my shoulder. I was 34 month in and it was all I could do to keep my sanity. So believe me when I understand when you speak of difficulties in your life. Although, thank God, I did not lose anybody close to me and cannot even begin to understand how horrible that ordeal had to have been for you, I DO understand how difficult times can make you run to the only thing we ever knew to run to whenever things got difficult. That slip, I did not reset my meter and 34 days later (notice how long it took... you're not out of the woods after a few days after a slip... just remember that), I "slipped" up again. That time, I did reset my meter (it had 68 days on it), but felt so bad about it that I ended up putting it back where it was and then WAM! 64 days after that (with 132 days on my meter), I "slipped" again. That was when I reset my meter and am here today, completely smoke free. That isn't to say that it was easy... I just finally learned my lesson, I guess. I REALLY hope that you will have learned yours after just one mistake. It took me three and a reset of my meter. I'm not suggesting that you reset yours... I'm just telling you the ONLY thing that worked for me. You and I are very different people and I sincerely hope that you do not make my mistakes your mistakes as well.
So, speaking from experience, having been where you are right now, I would like to offer some words of advice.
#1 - Always be on your guard. Now that you've done it once, it will be a lot easier to do