No smoking. NOPE Not One Puff Ever! Just sorting through. Cheermom, thank you for the response. Hugs cheer and blessings to you, good luck, bon chance with the chemo my thoughts, prayers and hopes are with you. Thank You to all who have responded. No I am not going to smoke. I simply don't understand the machinations of my mind. I will sort it out. There is no way I will start this all over again. Besides today is a brand new day, right! I will let the day be fresh, although I know that I will have to deal with all the left overs from yesterday and I will deal with them. Yes this is like the vacation is really over. There is however an edge of what is all this for under all of that. That is why I need to dwell in the benefit and the healthy aspects of what this quit contributes to my life. Thanks Blessings to you all. Just as a side note: when I wrote about following the smoker, I was writting and I hope saying that the smell of the fresh smoke was enticing to me, kind of like a waft of perfume. In that moment it was heady. Many other moments and if it is not absolutely fresh the smell of smoke reacks and is acrid and just plain disgusting. HMMMMM Two sides to every coin and then when you actually get to feel the thing you notice that there is a whole rim, providing depth to each side. HMMMMMMM [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/17/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 333 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 8,336 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $2664 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 55 [B]Hrs:[/B] 4 [B]Mins:[/B] 0 [B]Seconds:[/B] 25

One step at a time and thank you Marie one day at a time. Phillip [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/17/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 333 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 8,348 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $2664 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 55 [B]Hrs:[/B] 5 [B]Mins:[/B] 57 [B]Seconds:[/B] 22

No smoking. Just no smoking! Noticing today as this whole thing, this thought process, this battle rages in my brain. I am totally overpowered by the coffee I drank. It is like I had a triple shot espresso, and it was my regular plunger coffee, nothing different. My landlord came and took me for lunch, nice guy, and I had a cappucino and I was on the roof, climbing the walls, for a couple of hours. I have not had this sensitivity since the very first days when I was a big mess. More pampering, more nice treats lots of sleep and I will see what is happening tomorrow. Busy at work and that is why a derth of postings from me. Riding it through. Seems like the first week. Ciao Phillip :) [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/17/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 333 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 8,347 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $2664 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 55 [B]Hrs:[/B] 5 [B]Mins:[/B] 39 [B]Seconds:[/B] 18

Awesome thank you all. Thanks Aubanki, Shevie, Lady, Kim/Cheermom. Your support, care and sharing are invaluable to me. Thanks for popping in Marie big hugs. I am so much in a different space today, check out the post on the RDman, the quit and all the stories, thread. This little pearl was a real shift for my thought process. [quote] To create a pearl, an oyster needs an aggravating parasite inside its shell. It builds layers of calcium carbonate around the invader, gradually fabricating the treasure. How long does it take from the initial provocation to the finished product? Five years for a pearl of average size, and as many as ten years for a big one. I hope that puts into perspective the tenacious work you're doing on your own master project, Libra. It may seem sometimes as if you've been striving to transform your irritant for an eternity, but you're actually right on schedule. [/quote] Cheers Phillip [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/17/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 337 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 8,435 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $2696 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 55 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 50 [B]Seconds:[/B] 3

Bless you all! Thank You all No smoking here in Toronto. I am however going to go home, have a nice long steamy shower and a sauna. It is freezing rain here. I am going to snuggle into my nice cozy bed, with a big book and let sleep wash over me. No numbness. Light love and care. Thank You for you responses and I will get through this and thank you for letting me work through this here. So after a really nice snoggly sleep it really will be chin up and on. I hopefully will dream of Venice. I can't say this enough rioght now and I will Thank You all. Phillip Peace [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/17/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 332 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 8,322 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $2656 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 55 [B]Hrs:[/B] 1 [B]Mins:[/B] 45 [B]Seconds:[/B] 16

The day, the weekend, the past week. Stress, stress, stress and more stress. The junkie thoughts keep on coming in. "just do it, smoke one. The stress will go away if you have a smoke." On and on and on. In all different and sundry ways, subtle and unsubtle. I have a head ache. I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to go to sleep, escape and get out of what is sitting right in front of me. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something happening at this stage in my quit? Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places to keep this quit? How do I retrain my mind? How do I erase the past? I know that if I could, I would jump on the next plane and disappear into the hills of Tuscany or the canal of Venice. If I could, I would, just go shopping or read and write here, or any of the multitudinous coping mechanisms that I have up my sleeve. Just that right now nothing seems to be working. The junkie thoughts keep on seeping in and over the barracades. The fear of starting again keeps peeking over the fence and taunting me. The fear shakes my confidence. I really am at a twist in the road and it is taking an enormous amount of energy to keep on living how I want to live. There are whole lots of other "stuff" going on and it really doesn't have to do with my quitting, it does have to do with fighting other battles on other fronts and me wanting to cave into the easiest possible solution to have that old numbness back. So what do I do? How do I eradicate the junkie, the addict? That numbness only seems to take over as I sleep right now. So many old pieces are coming up that I have a difficult time just quelling the fires as they start. Much of this has to do with health and relationship issues and none of them pertaining to smoking. What do I do? Everything seems to be pointing to going back and I don't want to go back. I refuse to go back and I hope with all my soul that I can be loud enough and bold enough to shout the junkie down. Sorry if this all sounds dramatic and this post is what it is, for me: a cry for help, a cry for some understanding, a cry for strength to get through. Everything is very dramatic and traumatic. All of the old stuff and all of the fear simply creates the desire in me to smoke, go back, back to the old way and just was

Just like that first week Phillip, you will get through it. Deep breaths. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 7/1/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 564 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 11,298 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1974 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 50 [B]Hrs:[/B] 23 [B]Mins:[/B] 54 [B]Seconds:[/B] 38

Phillip, What Shevie said above is so true. It took me a really long time to realize that I was one of those that had supressed so much. As you know, I am now dealing with all of it and it can be quite painful at times. Some say that is going beyond the quit, for me it is merely another step along the journey. This road has educated me and is teaching me more and more every single day. Keep progressing Phillip. The "ah-ha" moments just keep adding up. You know we are here for you. Anytime. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 7/1/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 568 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 11,368 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1988 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 51 [B]Hrs:[/B] 7 [B]Mins:[/B] 36 [B]Seconds:[/B] 19

Phillip (and Rob) You know, I'm really glad you two are around here. I really thought I was the only one who went through all the "crazies" of the quit! Check the meter guys! One year is rapidly approaching. 12-18 months remember? I've been telling you all along 12-18 months. Guess what? I'm over 18 months and it's so cool! Come on and join me. You've been following me this long. Let's keep going a little longer. Rusty is right. You want to hide. I too have wanted to hide but now I realize that is just what it is. Smoking doesn't solve anything. It does make us numb but we are way too intelligent for that to work anymore. You know the thing about Knowledge? We have it now so we can't smoke. We would seriously hate ourselves for it and then we would really be psycological basket cases! I have to tell you that in the last few weeks, tragedy has hit me hard. I seriously considered not caring anymore and just throwing it all away. I have found that I have begun a new journey now. It is life beyond the quit and it is even more amazing. You WILL get there. I still promise! Have I lied to you yet? Chin up, best foot forward. One step at a time, one day at a time. Coping skills out. Take those deep breaths and let's just keep marching forward. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 7/1/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 563 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 11,277 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1970.5 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 50 [B]Hrs:[/B] 21 [B]Mins:[/B] 38 [B]Seconds:[/B] 41

Hi, Phillip. Congratulations on 11 months. Well done. :) Quitting smoking, for some, reaches far beyond just not smoking. For these people, the addiction caused them to deeply supress emotions for many years/decades. Joys were not celebrated, losses were not grieved, forgiveness was withheld; all "comforted" by the nicotine. When we quit, that supression is lifted and all this "stuff" begins to surface. For some, it is quite overwhelming and they relapse, returning to their "comfortor". Others struggle with it, not really knowing what is happening to them. This process can be rather frightening at times, if you don't understand it. Even when you do understand it, it can be quite daunting. Sometimes it seems there is a lot going on inside you at once and you can't make heads or tails of it. When that happens, be still and watch. If something pops up more often then you grab it, examine it, deal with it, and move on. Sometimes that may take mere minutes, sometimes you may have to work with it several times. It isn't a quick fix, but you counsel others so you know about that myth. Your biggest enemy in this, Phillip, is fear of this process. It is natural, it is good, and it is necessary. Trust me, you will be happier, stronger and better in the end. I'll be glad to help any way I can. Just ask. Treasure the journey, Phillip. The destination is you. Shevie [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 5/23/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 606 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 12,121 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $2302.8 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 112 [B]Hrs:[/B] 14 [B]Mins:[/B] 10 [B]Seconds:[/B] 45