It is always such a comfort to know that there are people here that care and understand. people that are willing to offer support regardless of who they may be and how well they may know me. I am truly grateful to you all. I have not slept for 38 hours now, I am just so exhausted. I spent all of last night at the hospital by my wifes side, feeeling totally useless and emotionally redundant. The emptiness and pain have consumed me to a level I have never known before. sitting waiting while she underwent surgery, crying and praying and feeling so alone at 4 a.m while the rest of the world slept. I have never experienced such sorrow, pain and desolation. this trial has drained me physically and mentally. I left the hospital at 7 a.m in a bewildered state, not really in touch with reality. I stoppedf and bought and extra large double shot espresso and much to my shame a pack of cigarettes. I sat in my car and cried. I lit one up and smoked half of it before some sense of reason returned. I cried some more and threw it out of the window half finished. Then got angry and crushed the rest of the pack before dispatching it in the same manner. it did not help. I knew it wouldnt offer any sense of comfort or relief but I still did it. I knew Carol would kick my ass from here to breakfast if she knew and after what she had just been through I could not justify my weakness. I am now in a semi lucid state my 4 year old daughter asleep on the couch also exhausted. I am writing this to work through what I am feeling. There are people around me who care but I feel very distant and dont want to interact with them. This has been an experience which has shocked me. My dearest wife Carol, came very close to passing as her blood pressure dropped so very low,she turned grey before my eyes and was shaking violently in shock, and amidst the chaos of medical staff I sat there stunned as they did their job and saved her. my world was crumbling and I was powerless to stop it. life is so very precious and so fleeting in its reality. forgive my rambling but I am just unable to express these feelings in any other way. Carol is now recovering and will return to her usual vibrant self in time. I am changed forever. Now I will drain the last of this glass and curl up next to my daughter brenna and hope that the peace of sleep will bring some healing to my soul. Good night. KiwiKeith [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/29/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 343 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 8,575 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $3,978.80 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 51 [B]Hrs:[/B] 3 [B]Mins:[/B] 47 [B]Seconds:[/B] 23

Keith, That really sucks. Hard to figure out why these things happen. Please don't punish yourself by smoking. It won't make the pain go away, you know that. I hope you allow yourself to grieve, because that will let your wife and children know it is okay for them, too. My thoughts go out to all of you, including the baby. -aloha [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]3/22/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 167 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 6,680 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1,135.60 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 23 [B]Hrs:[/B] 8 [B]Mins:[/B] 45 [B]Seconds:[/B] 49

Keith, I am very sorry and my prayers are with you and your family. Smoking won't take away the pain so there is no need to do it. ~valic [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]8/19/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 17 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 85 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $90.10 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 1 [B]Hrs:[/B] 6 [B]Mins:[/B] 5 [B]Seconds:[/B] 50

I am so sorry to hear about your lost. Just know me and all of us as SSC are thinking of you. I could relate a story about my family and something similar but that won't take away your pain. For the moment do what you have to do, just don't smoke. Hug your honey, talk about it, find a place and scream, kick something just don't smoke. You are my prayers. Keep the Quit Sparky [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]4/30/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 128 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,280 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $384.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 17 [B]Hrs:[/B] 7 [B]Mins:[/B] 2 [B]Seconds:[/B] 10

Almost forgot... If you smoke I will have to come to New Zealand and kick your butt! Hugs to you, Terri [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/28/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 342 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 5,130 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1,217.52 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 34 [B]Hrs:[/B] 6 [B]Mins:[/B] 14 [B]Seconds:[/B] 30

So sorry Keith. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. You know where to find me. Love ya Terri [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/28/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 342 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 5,130 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1,217.52 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 34 [B]Hrs:[/B] 6 [B]Mins:[/B] 10 [B]Seconds:[/B] 4

Keith, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child but my sister has and I went through that with her. Hang on Keith, please don't give in to the nicodemon, he is really calling at this moment. and I can only imagine how hard it would be to say no. many hugs to you and yours. hugs,prayers,pixie dust Bobbi [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]3/27/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 162 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 4,860 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $405.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 23 [B]Hrs:[/B] 18 [B]Mins:[/B] 34 [B]Seconds:[/B] 46

Keith, I am so sorry for your loss, hold your partner and family tight they all need you right now and smokeing certainly is not going to help you or them. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]8/8/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 28 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 364 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $140.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 16 [B]Mins:[/B] 49 [B]Seconds:[/B] 32

Keith, Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep pushing forward and push those smoking thoughts away. You and your wife need each other right now and there was never any room for a cigarette. Sympathies, Josie, Support Specialist

Keith, I am so desperately sorry to hear your news. You did the right thing coming back here to post. I think you need to find a bit of space on your own....and just scream it out. I feel for you. Lizzie [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]4/23/2003 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 1596 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 23,940 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] �5,985.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 159 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 24 [B]Seconds:[/B] 15