hi leyla,
i've had those same feelings, once i was thinking about some of the stuff you mentioned on my bedroom floor crying and i looked outside and the clouds just opened up and the sun was shinning into my room. it was kind of a weird turning point.
i went and saw a counsellor, i'm acctually onto my 5th. maybe you should get some counselling, they're different to phsychiatrists they give you tips on how to make things easier instead of drugs, you might not like the first one you meet or you might just get sick of them but when you're ready maybe you should look into this.
you're not mad, i've had similar experiences. when i walk at night i pretend i can see faces in the cars i walk past and scare myself so much i go home- fast! and i'm getting better, when you're ready you just have to step up and fight the feelings, it starts off so hard but the more you do it the easier it is and you get your pride back and feel good about yourself and everything again
