Hiya CD,
Sorry for going AWOL yesterday. Did not mean to wrorry anyone. Was reading posts and felt tired and was not gonna reply but when I saw you were worried I stopped in and answered some posts so you knew I was still taking it one day at a time. Thank you for caring so much and for being so supportive.
I guess I had not posted because I was tired of being such a downer and being so pathetic. It seems this whole thread is about me whinning and you guys trying to cheer me up! Plus, it seems all I would have to say is more of the same pathetic stuff.
I do have some ok moments though. I have some moments of peace. It is like finding a sapce within myself where there is stillness. When I have ok or good moments I make sure to try and let myself soak it up and profit from it to help me through the tough times.
As for the panic, I have had only 1 PA in over 2-3 weeks and the one I did have I handled pretty well all things considered.I do have a lot more anxiety tho. I feel so tense and edgy and anxious. I could live without that. I feel like I constantly have to catch my breath, like I am "managing" myself. /Sigh. I also feel stupid for it. I get why I am tired and sad but not why I am more anxious. Why? The danger had already passed. My cat is no more, he is gone. The danger part had come and gone, now I just have to learned to keep going without him....Not so easy. And yes, feeling depressed makes me anxious, my fear of depression and all, but still I don't get this anxiety creeping back on me. At least I have better tools to deal with it now. I am handling the anxiety ok I think.
I guess I am ashamed to admit how badly I do sometimes. I have good moments but have hard ones also. I feel so pathetic. I feel pathetic and ashamed in admitting to how hard this is and how badly I deal with it sometimes. Yesterday I got my cat's ashes back from the cremation place. Since then I have been carrying my cat's ashes with me everywhere. I carry his urn (a wooden box, but that is semantics) with me. I know it is stupid and silly and most likely unhealthy behavior. But I cannot help it. It makes me feel better. And I know, it is stupid because that box filled with ashes is not my cat. My cat is somewhere over the rainbow bridge in Heaven, That is why there was a rainbow in the sky when he died, his own rainbow bridge. And I know my beleif in ranbow bridges and Heaven for my cat might be stupid to some and most likely juvenile but it helps me through. So this box of ash is not my cat so it is stupid for me to just carry it everywhere and yet it comforts me. And yet, I cannot help myself. And I am ashamed to admit this and I feel so pathetic but it is the truth. I even kept it with me when I slept. How pathetic am I? It is just a box and yet I do not want to set it down. When I set it down I feel sad and anxious and I feel this tension build up fast! Like a pressure cooker. So I have been walking around carrying this urn since yesterday and for some odd reason it just comforts me.
My husband has been really good about all this. He has been very understanding. How many husband would let their wife go to be carrying an urn!?
Anyway, I think I have been pathetic enough for one day. all this to say don't worry I have not fallen off the face of the world!
Anyway, sorry for the long sorry reply. Thank you for caring. You have no idea how much it helps me to know that you are somewhere out there and that you care enough to inquire as o how I am doing. Thank you for caring friend.
