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for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 2508

Davit,

Thanks for sharing your experience with vicarious transference..and what you do to help with it..Like saying in your mind " this is a sad situation but I can do nothing about it" I think is very helpful.

I find when I can't fix a situation or make it all better for someone I care about it makes me feel real bad..I think repeating this in my mind when I wake up with nightmares just might help me with the nightmares I have of walking the halls of hospitals trying to save people I can not save..I used to work in health care years ago..and sometimes still walk the halls in my dreams.

This just may bring me some closure....Thanks again...

Red.....

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 2508

Sunny,

Thank you so much for sharing this information that you learned in your support group with us..This really makes a lot of sense to me and makes it so much easier for me to start working on and understanding my anger, so that I can do something positive about it and with it..I am going to print this out and use it as a guideline to help me...This will refresh my memory if I start to get of track again...

Red.....

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 4027

Davit,

There is a large area that deals with "locus of control", and you've summarized it so concisely. If we don't know what we cannot or can control, that is draining, isn't it?

~m,

Your summary of how to reduce something until it's doable is how I've had to reduce things until they're the smallest baby steps possible for me. Comparing myself to anybody else is not an option here, since disposition just doesn't allow me the energy or resources for more.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 6252

I made a disturbing discovery today. I have a friend who deals with the same sort of situation as me in an opposite way. I take the vicarious route. I feel their pain. Even if they use it inappropriately. My therapist warned me about this but did not tell me how to deal with it. When I get mad it is at myself for not having answers. My friend gets mad. My friends anger is justified of course. I can't do this. I wish I could. Being vicarious is worse than anger. There is no release.

Luckily it fades by using the "this is a sad situation but I can do nothing about it". If not for this it would eat at me. Some situation in my background has made it hard for me to use or hold on to anger other than at myself. I wonder what it was. I wonder what to do about it.

Davit.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 376

YES!!! Sunny, thank you... this is exactly what I'm looking for... a method... a strategy for dealing with the anger. Since being on these sites and working through the CBT program I have come to rely on this breaking things down into smaller and smaller steps until it becomes doable. This is it. I know it is because just reading through your description suddenly stopped the anxiety and confusion. Well... now I have work to do... and I'm very happy to be at it. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and insights about how to deal with anger in a healthy way.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1665

hi everyone: I suppose one needs to feel comfortable expressing one's anger in constructive rather than destructive ways. Emotions/feelings feed the thoughts/thinking, then the physical/doing. Anger is not an evil emotion, just an energy needing direction. That choice thing again, what do you choose to do with it? It depends on what or why you are angry. Sometimes you may not even know why.

First things first, identify the anger. Is it an anger you feel toward someone else - a real or perceived hurt

Is it an anger toward yourself? (I should have done better!)

Is it an anger toward someone who is angry with you - (so you both start yelling)

Is it an unresolved issue of long ago?

There are more reasons, of course. Next is to figure out what you are going to do about it. Use the W's. Who, Where, When, What, What and How. Yes, two whats. Who do you need to express your anger to? Why do you have to express yourself? What outcome are you looking for? What do you want to say? When is the best time to do this? Where should this be done? and lastly, How should this be done?

Just some things I learned at support group I attended. Hope it helps.

Sunny

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 6252

Have you tried Naltrexone?

Davit.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 376

..... and yet, after writing all of that.... the "IWTD" chorus has begun

gawd, i hat this... i'm sooooooooo tired... ya know?

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 376

OMGosh! I love the idea of smashing dishes.... she of politeness and quiet tolerance expresses.:) Might try that one! Sounds like fun actually. As I think about what I have to feel shame about.... almost all of what comes to mind is just the expectations imposed by others. I've never hurt anyone... intentionally. I stopped the cycle of domestic violence for my children... ok, so it took me three marriages to get there, but I did it. My sibs are very smart and pursued intellectual interests to deal with the history of abuse. They are all so smart.... so smart.... and have multiple degrees to prove it. My sis has a couple of doctorates, my lil bro (also w/a doctorate) is vice pres of a very prestigious college in the USA... my two other brothers are college graduates and very successful in their business activities. I have an associates degree in library science (a job I loved but found too stressful to continue). I stay home and change grandbaby diapers and am excited by babies taking naps.... I think I have some dishes to smash for sure!

Oh my......

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 12049

Some great advice and suggestions!

Keeping the anger inside is not healthy. Channelling it outward is a way of releasing your bodies negative feelings. Using relaxation techniques, stretching techniques and even a simple " going for a walk" technique, can always be instrumental to helping an individual calm down and re evaluate at the situation at hand.

I do recall a member that had quit smoking, his anger was bottled so heavily that it was hurtful to his family. Another member mentioned buying dozens of dishes (dollar store) and breaking each and everyone in a box. He also suggested that the member attach a reason or emotion to each dish, thus ridding his mind and body of those negative thoughts and feelings.

Keep up the suggestions, this is a very thought provoking thread!

Josie, Health Educator

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