Strength, I started spiraling downward, I wish I'd recognized it sooner - but hey, I recognized it. When I saw the pdoc about a month ago, we discussed augmenting lamictal with another mood stabilizer. I didn't like that idea after doing much research, called him back and suggested an anti-depressant wellbutrin. He said no, up the lamictal. I did and called back last Thursday asking for an emergency appt and with many questions. I was falling fast. I had a planned outing this weekend with a bunch of friends at a cabin. I was supposed to have left Friday before the Dr. Appt. but I prioritized (I wouldn't have went). anyway, to make a long story short - I made myself go to the outing, I had a good time, though emotionally draining. I had a cathartic event occur - I played golf, my depression was still there, but I realized that I have been doing things that are rewarding like babysitting my granddaughter, spending time with family and friends, and doing everything I do re: the depression and trying to keep from doing that downward spiral. The golf experience was phenomenal. I wish I could live on a golf course, if that meant I could feel that way all the time, the depression pushed to the back - barely acknowledgable, the pain right along with it, the emotions in check without much effort. I hadn't played in 8 years, I didn't play well at all (lol, forgot to bend at the knees, keep my head down, loose grip, swing through) I didn't care!
I wan't embarassed- I was having my first fun experience post-depression! Anyway, all good things must come to an end and I went back to the cabin with my friends slowly the "high" of the afternoon, faded to the energy draining mask but I had a good time, laughed and enjoyed being with my friends.
Now I'm home and I'm emotionally drained but with the hopes that I got at the dr. office and the potential for a new "high" on a golf course in the very near future and if not on a course (dang, the weather) a driving range! I've been thinking of buying a canoe (another thing I enjoyed pre-depression); hmmmm (dang, the weather) but I think I'll have one by spring!!!
I still have my bird goggles (binoculars). I'm thankful for the effort that I put forth to get my butt in the van, with all the junk I was supposed to contribute to the weekend, and the friendships.
I'm depressed, I got along way to go to get out of this spiraled hole I am in....but as you can see I'm working on it! I've got to - I hate how I feel today and know I can feel better!
