Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to be described as brave, and honest, and open. For once, I'll try not to argue with that, but take it at face value.
It takes a brave spirit to be honest and open as you are with
yourself. It sounds like you are clouded by your past actions and
decisions in life. However you do have the ability to make even small
changes to reshape your tomorrow and make your future life a brighter
one. Of course it is not easy, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes
concerted effort, but we are here to help. Don't hesitate to reach out
for support.
To all DC members:
What changes do you want to see in your life? What do you see as your role in making these changes possible?
...sorry I've got much too self-indulgent and completely pulled this thread off-topic, and made it just about me.....I apologise and will shut up now....
I do not think it would be a good idea to show myself - real and as I truly am - to any of the people around me. I would then end up truly lonely because nobody would want to know me.
I don't want anyone to genuinely know me. I know me and am not impressed with what I see.
I am really - really - not a nice guy, and I have good reason to be ashamed of myself. I can't say any more because the moderators here would edit it out anyway.
These roles I act out are the only possible way for me to lead any kind of normal, day-to-day life. Perhaps I do not deserve that.
It is very lonely living when no one around you gets who you really are.... when the great turmoil inside is invisible to everyone on the outside... and it can feel impossible to breach that divide... from either side. Lonely and false and hopeless. However... it needn't continue that way. There are tools here that can help you show your real self not only to yourself, but to others outside. The others here... members and health educators... are an understanding lot :/ we can listen without judging and help you practice finding a healthy balance. (Likewise, your working toward balance helps everyone here in our efforts as well). I don't see us as too prone to BS either... simple platitudes or whatever... just to be nice. What you get here is real. At least that has been my experience and is my continuing goal... to be real... inside and out... with myself and with others. We can ALL do this...
'Someone of value' would, I suppose, be someone for whom I could feel respect and affection.
I know that other people view me differently from the way I view myself, but what they see is me playing roles, and playing them well. Father, son, brother, colleague and employee - all these feel like duties I discharge efficiently, whilst all the while concealing what I am really feeling and experiencing. So as far as those around me are concerned - no need for me to change. I function okay, I'm a regular member of society.
But I know I'm just doing what is expected of me, and it's basically empty.
Peel the masks away and it's a different story. I've made it clear here how I feel about myself, how I despise myself, how I can't force myself to doubt or challenge what I see when I look at myself.
Sorry my thoughts are scattered this morning... My heart aches to hear the disgust you feel for yourself... partly because I've been there and wasn't able to have any sympathy for myself. That has changed and hearing how you feel about yourself makes me stop and appreciate how far I've come. Acceptance is a tricky thing when you are depressed because it can lead to giving up... "Things are rotten... always will be rotten, so what's the point in trying to change?" But acceptance is also key to changing our negative perceptions... ugh, that's another whole topic in itself... i'm done for today... kids will be here shortly. I hope we all have better and better days ahead.
Pete, I appreciate your honesty and willingness to stick around and continue the dialogue. This can be so very painful. It's worth it in the end though. It really is. Thanks for participating.
