Today I have come a tiny step closer to the perpetual source of depression. I dont know how many of you play golf,,,,
I dont much either but---- It is like hitting the ball but it never goes where you want it to. You watch Tiger Woods playing, he makes it look easy so you try to copy his moves but nothing you try works. No one ever shows you where you where you need to change, so you just keep doing much the same thing wrong time and time again. After years of doing that and never getting anywhere you get frustrated, give up and quit.
That is what it has been like for me. 35 years of a constant struggle trying to do things on my own. No one ever sat down with me when I was doing my school work and helped me work through my problems systematically. I never learned how to problem solve, socially or cognitively. I have problems sovling algebra. No one ever helped me, instead I got criticism, humiliation, rejection. In grade 9 I had never felt so desparately alone, so abandoned. Those words do not even come close to describing the true feelings I had back then, there are no words. I was a prisoner within my house. The neglect I suffered in regards to my school work was horrendous. I am paying a price for that today. If my parents had listened to me when I came home from the hospital, perhaps they could have helped me communicate my thoughts better, and could have helped me overcome the obsticals I would face. But it was not to be. Not to make light of any political prisoner and I know their lives are terrible beyond description, but, at times back then in gr9 I felt much like one. No one listened to me. No one gave me help. I got abuse from parents in this regard, and humiliation from teachers. There are things that I endured that I will never tell anyone, they are too horrible beyond words to put into verbal words. All it shows is a young boy in desparte need of compassion and help, none of which I would get, but that is all I can ever say to anyone. All because I got sick and it changed my world and I no longer knew how to live in that world. If I knew then what I know now about encephalitis, it would have pushed me over the edge in gr 9 and I would not be here today. There have been times lately I wished I had gone ahead. Other times I'm so totally confused I dont know what to do. Sometimes I think I'm going "crazy", its all in my mind, and there is really nothing wrong with me except for being "lazy" and not wanting to do work, yet there certainly seems to be something compelling that there is something definately wrong, however small it may be.
so here is one from me and try one on from you. please!
Bravo
