Hello all! It has been quite some time since I have been here. I got a new computer and I never quite made it back here!!
Well, I have been having a tough one lately. Smoking thoughts have been racing through my mind....................
I have had a lot going on lately, and I am sure that is why I want to smoke. I feel like I have lost that empowerment that I had felt.....
Let me explain:
I went to the beach as I always do, but this time I actually paid attention to the smokers. When I smoked, I always felt like an outcast, like I was the only Mother who smoked. What a horrible mother..... But this past August, when I went to the beach, I noticed all kinds of people smoking. I was amazed to see how many people actualy smoked. Not to mention the smokers in my group. So there, put something in my head: Maybe I wouldn't feel like such an outcast if I smoked. That was thought #1.
Then I had to plan a birthday party for my daughter and try to dodge bullets when the fighting family members found out that I had invited everyone........ Then I had to get my daughter ready for school. And my other daughter ready for preschool. So my daughter met a new friend in school. Well, her mother smokes. It is so difficult to watch people smoke. Especially mothers. So now that is thought #2.
We have started softball and joined a gym. We are out everyday. And very busy. Being busy is good, but we are VERY busy. And I have worked out 5 times a week for over 1 month. I thought I was eating healthy...... There is no more fast food. I eat mostly salads..... But I have yet to lose even 1 ounce. So I get frusterated...... Thought #3.
And my little depression monster has been creeping up on me. I have battled depression since I was a child. I have never been diagnosed, but I have many years of being able to put a smile on and when the Doc asks how is everything, somehow, "Everything is great" blurts out of my mouth. But not even 5 minutes later, when I get to my car, I am in tears and contemplating how I can engage in oncoming traffic......... It is a vicious cycle for me. Low self worth, and a stressful and sad marriage, and a busy schedule. They all add up and are taking a toll on me. Thought #4.
Oh how I hate this. Fighting. Everything and everyone around me is