It all got too much for me. I wasn't doing all that well, but I was hanging in there and very proud of myself for not smoking.
It was like hanging onto the last lifeboat. You're clinging to the side and oh so tired, arms are tired and heavy. It would be a release, a relief, just to let go and let the sea take you. I slipped, I figured if I was going to slip it would be on my terms and not a crazy impulse.
I got a single cig from a neighbor, I poured a glass of wine. I sat outside, closed my eyes and smoked that cig and drank that glass of wine. For ten minutes I let the sea take me. For ten minutes I was free of the endless struggle. For ten minutes I wasn't holding up a boulder of a quit getting heavier every day.
Then it was over. I harnessed myself back to the plow and prepared myself to turn over rocks.
I'm not resetting my quit meter, it was only a single cigarette, I didn't give up my quit. I took a break, a ten minute break. I carry on from here, as if it never happened.
