I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2003, but Ive likely been suffering for over 25 years. To complicate things, over the past couple of years many health problems have led to chronic pain issues, which have added to the depression. I havent been able to work since 2003, but need and want to. I dont know where my self-esteem is. I typically feel worthless, useless and of little value to anyone. I have a teenage son and a mother that live with me who are demanding, mean and unsupportive, and a wonderful husband who is rapidly losing patience. Im on all kinds of meds, and the mood disorder ones dont seem to be helping at all. Ive been on them for a couple of years. Im not in therapy because I cant find anyone to help me. I just dont know what to do to feel okay and be a person again. I try the affirmations, self-talk, reading everything I can, but people keep getting to me. I want so much to be a positive individual who can laugh, appreciate life and contribute, not a joyless, miserable and empty person who doesnt want to leave home. I dont know where I went or why I cant find my way back??!! I know what all my issues are I just dont know how to make them go away. Can anyone relate and do you think there really is a fix? I need help.
Thanks for your reply. The doctor that originally prescribed the meds just wants me to check in once every few months and refills my prescription. He has little or nothing to say to me and at one point told me I was fine. I tend to put on a good face in public because I feel so embarrassed of myself. It's strange to me that doctors, particularly psychiatrists don't catch on. Maybe some just don't care either. I've been on other meds with even worse side affects than the one I'm currently on and I'm really scared of what some can do. My choices are apparently limited right now. I went to another specialist at the hospital I go to for chronic pain care and he feels I would benefit from ongoing supportive psychotherapy as a long-term management goal. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to locate a geographically proximal therapist. My GP in completely ineffective helping me find anyone for any issue and I feel pretty alone for the most part. Some days the walls cave in more than others.
My Husband is a wonderful man and does his best to understand, but this is taking its toll on him. Understandably so. I want him to be happy and how can he be if he comes home to an unhappy situation all the time. My son can't cope and in fact plays on my over sensitivity to deliberately hurt me. He said that he wants to hurt me because other families have happy mothers and I'm not. That makes him angry, so he lashes out at me as much as he can. It's like he takes a knife and stabbs me. I love him so much and he hates me right now. I don't know how to fix the relationship or myself. It's all so hurtful. He doesn't even want to understand, that's what makes it even harder to deal with. What to you do? I have no one to talk to, I cry too much, and all I keep thinking is "what's wrong with me" and why can't I just fix this and live already like normal people.
You are very fortunate in that regard, and you're right - it's a difficult issue for teens to grasp, let alone accept. They do have their ideas about the world and the way everything should flow - but then again, so did we. This is a very frustrating illness for everyone.
I've been trying to find a different GP for quite awhile now, but it's really hard because most aren't accepting new patients. Your remarks are right on btw, instead of trying to "play normal", I usually just stay home. I don't have the energy for any of it. Thanks so much for your comments, I really just appreciate ANY feedback because at least I know I'm really not so very alone. I hope I can help people on this board with comments, thoughts and good wishes as well. At least it will allow me to feel like I can do something positive for someone. I hope you feel better too. Thanks again.
I really appreciate your suggestions and have already checked the books out online. They look really interesting. I know changes have to come within and we can only do this by changing our reactions to things because we can only change "ourselves". Apparently I'm just having some difficulty getting a handle on this concept since I have yet to overcome it, but I'll stay hopeful. Thanks so much again. :)
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