I dont know what it is...

Hi Caro I lived in Brisbane. Never got to Perth, though I understand that it's lovely. I left Brisbane after my marriage broke down -- I loved the lifestyle and the people, but all my family is here in Toronto and I really wanted my girls to grow up with the sense of belonging and history and roots and stability that I'd had. Funny, isn't it, how things change? Home isn't much like I'd remembered it, and my family didn't cluster around when I arrived home to support me and help me to heal. Not that they don't care, it's just that I'd been gone for 12 years and we've all grown in different ways. We all, my mother, my siblings and myself, live within a 10 minute drive from each other and I feel hurt and lonely in a way that's exaggerated by the fact that I really thought that I wouldn't be alone with my family around me. I suppose that the point I'm trying to make that may be relevant to you is that home and a feeling of belonging come from inside, not outside. I could have made Brisbane home, and given more to and accepted more from the people and the community around me so that I developed roots for myself and my children. But I didn't because I was focussed on my family and history in Toronto. I'm not given to regrets, and I really do love Toronto and Canada as a whole (well, perhaps not February in the city) so I'm not at all unhappy at my decision to come back. Once I get over wallowing in my hurt and resentment that my siblings aren't smoothing my path for me, then I'll start to take more steps toward developing the sense of belonging again. One step at a time :) Will you stay in Australia, do you think? Or return to Europe when you've finished uni? Take care Janice

Is There Really Any Hope?

Hi LilahRose That you're feeling like a ghastly mother is a strong indicator that you aren't one. Your life does sound overwhelming, though, and you deserve a huge amount of credit for just getting our of bed each morning, let alone for starting up in this program! Raising children takes enormous energy and patience and it's definitely not a bad thing for you to want time and space for yourself. My ex and I split up when my girls were 4 and 6, and there were times when I thought I would go mad if I didn't get away from them. They are 11 and 13 now, and it's only within the past couple of years that I've been able to have a complete thought when they are around me. Your husband just left you a few months ago -- as well as dealing with the emotional turmoil of how he treated you, you must also be in a panic about how you are going to be able to support your children and yourself on your own. To have your kids around you, incessantly wanting you, loving you, needing you (hating you, yelling at you and whining at you, too, probably, if I'm to be realistic) when you really need to think and plan can be suffocating. And all the everyday things that kids need -- especially if yours are not at school yet -- meals, snacks, drinks, clean clothes, stories, attention, etc, etc, etc! It's tough to handle in the best frame of mind, so please, please be kind to yourself for finding it tough right now! You obviously love your children deeply to be so concerned about the impact your panic, depression and withdrawal may have on them. That love is the most important thing they need. Even if you believe that someone else could provide them with the patience, the home-cooked meals, the range of activities that are supposed to be ideal for developing a well-balanced young adult -- it still wouldn't be as good for them as your love. Getting some time for yourself is pretty critical, though. A babysitter or daycare once or twice a week? If funds are tight, there may be family or community services around that could give you a break. Nobody is going to think the worse of you for saying that you need a few hours away from your children. The opposite, I would think -- knowing when you are close to your limit and asking for help before you actually cross it shows how strong,

I stopped a thought!

Hi all -- for those of you interested in reading a minor novella, I give you a scene from my life: Woke up tired this morning as I heard the garbage trucks rumbling along the main street -- the signal that they'll be on my street in about an hour. It's the 2nd of the month and I forgot to transfer money into the account that the mortgage payment comes out of -- another overdraught charge, sh#&. I look around my room and see the newspapers strewn around the floor and mixed with other papers and books I'd started reading at various times that are piled on the other half of my bed. Didn't put my clothes away last night either. What a sloth I am! I pull the covers over my head -- I want coffee, but it's too much effort to get up to make some. My daughter calls to ask if I will bring something to her downstairs, so I get out of bed. As I walk past the tv room, I see the mess all over the floor -- my eldest daughter is making a fairly intricate craft and pieces and tools are all over the floor. I should have been more firm with her about containing and organizing it -- at least then we would be able to walk on the floor! The front hall is another mess -- backpacks just left where they were first dropped, the swimming bag is still sitting there unpacked from last week (yuck!), costumes for tonight's play in a rumpled pile on the floor, shoes kicked all over the place -- and I don't even want to look at the kitchen! What am I doing to my children?! They're growing up without a sense of cleanliness and with a skewed sense of normal because I can't pull myself together! I haven't tidied up the sewing machine and mess after I finished the costumes 2 days ago and my mother is supposed to be coming over this afternoon to help me to fold and sort the enormous pile of clean laundry that has taken over the spare room. She's going to freak -- or worse: silently compare my housekeeping abilities with those of my Stepford-like sisters-in-law. I know, I know: I'm a disappointment. I look at the coffee-maker -- I should put the coffee on while I take the garbage out, and then it'll be ready by the time I'm done and I can start my day. But I just don't have the energy. I have to put out the garbage -- what'll the neighbours think if I don't? My next-door neighbour mu

did it!

Hi Rowan (my daughter is named Rowan, too :)) I'm not sure if you are still around, as your post was nearly 6 months ago, but it resonated for me. First of all, wow! It made me feel good just to read about your achievement -- how you were able to stand up to your anxiety and push your way through to do something that was really important to you is wonderful and full of courage. I just posted a success story and am in that "top of the world" frame of mind. I'm also waging an internal battle with my critic who is trying to do the yeah-buts to me, so thank you for reminding me in your second post that I need to address that. When I'm feeling good, I usually push any negative thoughts away so that they don't interfere with my mood of the moment, but I'm learning that by not dealing with them, I'm just allowing them to accumulate until they burst upon my at a moment when I'm vulnerable. Sleep is a vulnerable time for me and it's common that the day after a really good day is a really bad one because my negative thoughts flow freely through my dreams. If I'd done what you did, my critic would have been niggling me all night, analysing every detail of the event and magnifying everything I'd done wrong until, by morning, I'd have convinced myself that it was the worst decision I'd ever made in my life, that I'd embarrassed myself and my dear friends terribly and that my only options going forward were to phone my friends and apologize abjectly or just never see them again so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of the embarrassment! It is horrible how cruel we can be to ourselves. I'm learning that I need to address the negative thoughts as they come, rather than push them away, and that it's much easier to counter my negativity when I'm feeling good about myself. It's also easier said than done, but I'm trying. Thanks again Janice

frustrated with my doctor

I feel as though I'm groping around for the exit from a pitch black room littered with obstacles. I don't even know for sure that there is an exit or if I'll know the exit if I ever find it, but I'm too stubborn to give up hope although I'm extremely frustrated. Any advice or empathy would be greatly appreciated. Since 1999, when I first went to my doctor for help, I've been on Zoloft, then Paxil, then Effexor and now an Effexor/Wellbutrin cocktail. Three different doctors and a psychiatrist. The drugs all have an effect on me, just nothing that has actually been helpful. But the doctors simply tell me that I need a higher dose, so we increase and increase until I'm taking the maximum recommended amount, and then they shrug their shoulders and look at me as if I'm being difficult on purpose. And then they say that it's just a matter of finding the right medication and prescribe a new one. I've asked about therapy and they offer it themselves -- a form of talk therapy that goes in circles and accomplished very little. I still don't know if dealing with the after-effects of the emotional abuse from my ex-husband is the same as dealing with the burnout from my work is the same as dealing with the depression. I also can't remember the last time I awoke refreshed from a good night's sleep -- I know that sleep disturbances are a symptom of depression, but depression is also a symptom of sleep deprivation -- does it matter where my depression stems from or whether or not the chicken came before the egg? At the moment, I do the research and diagnosis and tell my doctor what I want and she signs the referral forms or the prescription or whatever. I have no idea whether I am doing the right thing or what I'm missing, but my doctor doesn't seem to be able to find anything wrong with my requests. Whether that's good or bad, I don't know that either -- I hate having to work in this pitch black room, but I don't know what else to do. There is an extreme shortage of doctors in Toronto, and nobody I know knows any good doctors who are taking new patients. I'm really, really tired of feeling depressed. Confused

I dont know what it is...

Hi Caro I'm glad that you enjoy my posts -- I'm so wordy, but it helps me to write them, to get my thoughts down on paper. I wrote a rather lengthy introduction when I first started this program back at the beginning of April. Lost in the deluge of posts from people like us, looking to help ease ourselves somehow through our journeys. April 6, I think, if youd like to read it. Belonging is kind of elusive, I think. It's a feeling, so we can have always been part of a group but still feel that we don't belong. I dont know that I ever felt as though I belonged in my family. They are truly wonderful people and I love and admire them immensely. Too much, perhaps. I hear you when you say that you dont identify with any family member Ive always thought this was something wrong in me, since they are such good people. Kind of: If Im to be a good person as well, then I need to be more like them. And until Im like them, Im not good enough. But try as I might, I could never quite fit. I think thats what sent me travelling in the first place: a search for myself and a place where I felt I belonged. My dad said to me once that people often search the world for something that is right there in their backyard. A recent family crisis strangely shook my foundations what I thought was reality was suddenly not and I realized that its ok for me to see the world differently to the rest of my family. Im never going to want the same things as they do, or prioritise things in the same way, but that doesnt mean that Im flaky or wrong. Its a good feeling, actually, to be free of trying to fit when I dont. I still love them dearly, I just am not so bothered about being like them. New thoughts: I am the person I need to be and want to be, and I like myself. Your last questions about whether or not my family know about my depression and support me? My mother and my sister know, but they dont really understand it and have made no effort to learn about depression. I spoke to my sister about talking to our brothers, and she cautioned against it, feeling that I may not get the reaction that Im looking for. Im not sure that Im looking for a particular reaction probably just understanding, but it seems that even that would be asking too much. That sounds so bitter Im hurt by

Hi, I'm new.

Hi gettingoverit Well done for continuing to be yourself despite the way the other people are treating you! You have strength you don't even realize -- many people would cave completely in the face of the ostracization you're experiencing . As the others have said here, don't lose hope that there are kindred spirits around. You'll probably find more than a few here on this site. The world is so much bigger than high school -- I hope that you learn to love yourself for who you are and find your power in the things that make you different. What's happened over the past couple of weeks to intensify the depression? Confused

frustrated with my doctor

Thanks all of you -- it makes me feel better to know that it's not just me being difficult. So I've found a sleep clinic and asked my doctor to refer me. And I've put my foot down about the medication, so my doctor agreed that I could wean off and we'll see how I feel. Trial and error, I suppose. Thanks again for your supportive words. I'll let you know how the sleep clinic goes, though it's a couple of months before they can see me. Take care, Confused

Here we go again on the rebound...

Hi Kera7 Good for you for realizing that your relationship wasn't positive and actually doing something about it. You're obviously strong and tuned into what's good for you and your kids. I think that a relationship should add something to both people's lives -- a thought that only just occurred to me a couple of years ago. No wonder I found relationships so exhausting! For myself, looking at why I wanted a relationship was a real mind shift -- what would a relationship add to my life? At that point, having a man in my life just seemed like too much work, but I realize now that that came from me giving too much of myself, supposedly to make him happy, and not accepting what he wanted to give me. I'm wondering for you if it's not so much a matter of not being able to trust other people, but more defining and defending your boundaries -- what you want to get and what you are willing to give -- for relationships. You sound as though you're looking for fun and companionship, but is another relationship worth the stress and anxiety that your ex would heap on you (and that you would heap on yourself, no doubt, in anticipation of the gossip and phonecalls!)? Answering yes to that question is fine, but then at least you're going into it with your eyes open and hopefully can do something to mitigate the gossip and phonecalls. If you decide that a relationship isn't worth the stress, there may be other ways to keep yourself from being alone and bored. You know all these things, I'm sure, like taking a class or joining a club. I find that volunteering in my areas of interest has helped me to meet some really good people and keeps my mind occupied and my values grounded. I'm not sure that it's such a good idea to look to another person to fill your life. Filling your life yourself with things that you like can be more rewarding and strengthen your sense of who you are. You are a wonderful, caring, smart woman -- jump into another relationship if you like, but do it because you want to, not because you just don't want to be alone. You deserve better than that. all the best Curious

Why does negative self talk feel comforting?

Hi Ava I feel that too. And I self-sabotage to create the environment that gives my negative thoughts more validity. Procrastinating until the very last minute, not giving myself enough time to get where I need to go on time, staying up late with a friend and a bottle or two of wine when I have an early morning presentation the next day... Is that the sort of thing you meant? The CBT is helping, though, and my negative scripts seem to be losing some power. I have to be careful with the positive self-talk I use still -- anything too positive still feels untrue. Are you seeing progress in your thinking? Confused