how do I help my children?

Well, that was an experience! Thank you for your warmth and encouragement -- when the girls came home yesterday, I was able to initiate a tough discussion with a positive calm, rather than enveloped in the negative energy that I'd had earlier in the week. I just opened by saying that I was concerned about my little one's reaction to being late for her dad, and wondered if he said things to them that made them feel badly. Such a flood that came out! Keeping in mind that they are kids/teenagers and they will naturally feel hard done by by their parents, the opportunity and the permission to let it all out has changed our relationship. I'd hoped that they knew this before now, but this discussion confirmed for them that I won't be hurt or upset if they tell me things that their dad has said, and more importantly I think, that I'm not going to turn around and repeat it to their dad or get angry with him. Thankfully, nothing really serious is happening that I hadn't already noticed and addressed, or that they hadn't already seen for what it was. You know, he's a sad and petty bully who doesn't deserve these children. He's just entered a new relationship -- the first, really, since we split -- and, where he doted on the girls and clung to them as the only thing that made life worth living for him, they now feel like inconvenient nuisances. There was some argument a few days ago, and my eldest said that she wanted to go home to me, and he told her that he'd be more than happy to accommodate but that I didn't want her back until Sunday -- that I wouldn't allow her to come home! Does he have no sense of how a child would feel, to believe that neither parent wanted her? I [i]am[/i] a great mom, and thank you for helping me with my perspective and problem-solving. We talked serious stuff -- that they felt that he doesn't love them as much now that he has a girlfriend, and I pointed out that he's just paying less attention to them and that he still loves them as much as ever. We *****ed a bit -- he bought the girlfriend jewellery from Tiffany's (What! He never bought [i]me[/i] jewellery from Tiffany's, and I was married to him for 9 years!). We did some reality-testing -- "He called us rude and badly-behaved!" "Yeah, but we actually were rude and badly-behaved that time." And we laughed about different ways they could respond to him when he got unjustifiably angry with them, and which response would make him most apoplectic. They're wonderful girls, and I'm so proud of them and relieved that they're ok. It probably helps that they have each other. He is such an ass, and I'm so glad that I'm out of that misery!

Domestic Abuse - The Aftermath...

Hi Lovelybones Yes, it looks as though I went on too long in my last post. I don't think that much was cut off -- like you did, I wrote how good it was to find someone who could understand what I'd been through, and I sent you all sorts of positive energy. Also the bit about challenging and testing -- I'm naturally analytical, so it fits with my style, but following the thoughts back to beliefs, looking for evidence, challenging and testing... it's been (an eye-opening experience. Difficult to keep the momentum, but really helpful when I do. Crashing isn't the worst thing in the world. From where I am now, I would say that it's preferable not to actually crash, but crashing enabled me to be there for my mom and spend time with my dad in the time leading up to his death. Higher power. Spirit guides. I was where I needed to be when I needed to be there, and once I'm back on my feet I'll be able to be truly thankful for that. Another of your posts suggests that money is tight. To state the obvious, crashing as I did may not be the best thing for you. There's a lot of experience in this forum -- can we advise/support you so that you don't have to get to that point? Lovelybones, you're not making this up. You're not exaggerating. Be strong in yourself, and in your knowledge that you got yourself and your daughters away from a despicable man. Despicable as you now know that he is, though nobody else may believe you, don't lose trust in your perspective. So I hear stuff from my daughters. My ex's new girlfriend -- he couldn't have met her much before September but they're already engaged. I'm not actually bothered by the fact that he's in another relationship, but it's the other stuff that's discomfiting. She's petite -- about the size of my 14-year-old daughter. She's in her 40's and normally dresses like a grandma,according to my 12-year-old (though my mother is quite fashionable). He got the girls to help him shop for Christmas gifts for her... at Garage, of all places! He's been telling me for the past 7 years that he's changed. That I was right to leave him when I did because he was awful, but he's changed so much since then. Not that I've believed him, but single parenting is not the easiest thing to do and in weak moments I think I may have imagined it all. Then I hear this and I know that it's started for somebody else... she's gorgeous and wonderful, and then... she'd be more so if her skirts were shorter and her tops were tighter. And it goes from there. Nothing is good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough. Until we're so consumed with trying to be good enough that we've lost all concept of who we are. I'm going to break now in case I've gone over -- I don't want to be cut off because I have more to say...

Domestic Abuse - The Aftermath...

Ok, so now I'm not sure what else to say -- I just don't want you to feel alone, lovelybones, especially if you're where I was 3 years ago. What would help you? Besides being good to yourself...? Take care.

New here

Hi Miakoda, and welcome Sounds like you're in a really tough space. Do you have family and/or friends around to give you some support and a shoulder? It may well be the best thing for you at this point that your boyfriend is out of the picture, as it gives you a chance to find your own strength (how's that for finding a silver lining in the midst of a thunderstorm?). Too often, I think, we look for a partner to help us define who we are or to help us to feel more whole. But the really great relationships that I've observed have been with two people who have a pretty good sense of who they are as individuals first, and then as a couple. You've come out of a 17 year marriage and then a 2 year relationship -- take some time now to get acquainted with yourself again. This program is really helpful in that sense. It is hard to keep motivated at times, particularly if you're working through it on your own, but the group here is very supportive so ask, tell, complain, cheer... we're with you. Here's to making 2008 better than 2007, and hoping that you'll be able to find some happy moments again.

hi from very far

Hi yapjoy I'm sorry to hear about your misfortunes -- it's surprising how often it happens that a few bad things happen to us all around the same time, sometimes completely unrelated to each other. I had a similar cluster of events -- marriage breakdown, lengthy illness and death of my father, toxic boss, young children, severely injured friend -- all in the space of a few years. One, two, maybe even three of them I could have handled, but all of them? Well, here I am. I tell myself that I will come out of this a stronger, more resilient and grounded person, and some days I even believe it. Hang in there -- you've found a good place in this program and forum. I think that, whether from society, parents or wherever, we have very unrealistic expectations of what our lives are supposed to look like, and the reality is that we're not going to find all aspects of our lives challenging and rewarding. Sometimes a job is just a job -- work that gives us money in order to be able to be challenged and fulfilled in other parts of our lives, and something that we can take satisfaction from just doing it well -- we don't all have to be on a rising career path. Even with rising career paths there is a limit as to how far someone can go. The the choice becomes one of staying in that role or hopping onto another career path -- there are always choices, it's just that they aren't necessarily easy ones. I'm 45, divorced with no retirement fund and 2 kids who'll be going to university in a few years. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be working until I die, but I'll never resign myself to the idea that I've upgraded my skills as far as I'll ever be able to. Even if I were on a traditional career path, with a view to retiring at 65, I'd still have another 20 years in front of me -- pretty much the same length of time as is behind me in my career. Same for you. Depression can cloud our perspective such that we often can't see that we have choices in front of us -- please, give yourself a shake. You're very good at what you do, to have achieved this position when your employer had thousands of options. It must be a fairly interesting position, as well, if so many others want it. The huge advantage that you have is that you are in the job and they aren't -- as long as you continue to do your job well, the likelihood of your being given the boot is pretty small. You're doing the right things to heal, by the sounds of it, with medication, counselling, education, and carving out some extra time for yourself. Income is, obviously, important so you need to be paying attention to continuing to do your job well, but I'd put aside worrying about career satisfaction for the time being. Once you're back on track emotionally, then you can tackle the career issue. It's simply too much to handle all at once, and you may not currently be in the best frame of mind for making significant career decisions. In the counselling that you've done, have you done CBT? I've been struggling with depression for over 7 years now, and have worked with several counsellors/psychologists/psychiatrist who all took a talk therapy approach. We just seemed to go in circles with no improvement in my frame of mind. One of them mentioned CBT about 18 months ago, but she didn't do it and could make no recommendations as to who could help me with it. The community health centre offers a group CBT program, but there's a 10 month waiting list. I found a workbook, which helped a bit. Googling got me here, and I've finally been able to make some real progress. A lot of us here seem to have experience with that zombie feeling -- for me, I was shutting down my emotions because they were too painful. It's not easy to open up and feel again, but working through this program may well help you do that. Hopefully this helps a bit.

how do I help my children?

Thanks for the wisdom, lovelybones. The second one is where I'm a little weak, as I'm still working on my own boundaries and understanding of what mistreatment is -- it got a little skewed from the years of excusing his behaviour as justified or to be expected from someone so intelligent and talented. So we're learning together. How are your daughters? They had a much worse experience than mine have had -- are they coming to some sort of terms with the sexual abuse? Take care

New here

Why don't you use the weekend to get a good start on this program? Capture a few of those wild thoughts that are flying around in your head. You'll also be asked to identify some pleasant activities. A question that I've found helps me (when I remember before I succumb to the avoidance and blocking activity) is simply: what's one thing I can do this weekend that will make me feel a bit better? And then do it. You've put the wheels in motion to get some outside help next week, so devote the weekend entirely to feel-good stuff. If you can, put thoughts of the bf into a box in your mind, lock it and put it aside. He's going to do what he will, regardless of whether or not you're thinking of him -- you have no control over that, so put it aside (easier said than done, granted). And yes, that's how moms are. She loves you and worries about you, and will drive you nuts for the rest of her life. And when she's worried about you, she'll try very hard to remember that you're grown up, but you'll always be her little girl. Be kind to yourself.

New here

That sounds like a wonderful idea -- congratulations on your first step! Have a lovely weekend :)

hi from very far

Divorce. Yes, well, that's where my emotional disconnect came in handy.:~ I think that the process of healing from a marriage breakdown would be different for different people, depending on the personalities involved and the circumstances. You're right to be concerned about your son -- if I did anything right in my separation/re-establishment process, it was using the question "what's best for my children?" as a guide for my decisions and behaviour. The fact that you're thinking about the impact of your divorce on your son is, in itself, a pretty good indicator that he'll be fine. It's not going to be easy, but you're an intelligent and loving parent and you'll figure out how to make it work so that he grows into the confident, competent, and well-adjusted person you'd like him to be. Creativity and a sense of adventure help. :) You may well find that you and your son develop a stronger, better, closer relationship than you ever would have in a traditional 2 parent environment. For you, I suppose getting over the end of a marriage is like grieving the death of a loved one. It's not just losing what your marriage was, but also losing everything that you wanted it to be. People look at you differently, awkwardly, as though they'd like to make you feel better but don't know what to say. There's some social shunning even in this part of the world, where divorce is commonplace, so you may want to look for new networks -- a divorce support group, or a new interest or activity that would allow you to meet new people. Sorry, I'm not painting a very positive picture, am I? I guess that my style is to lay everything out on the table at once, so I can see what I'm dealing with. It works for me, though it can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. The point that I'm trying to gently make is that your new life is going to be very different. But it is a new life -- a beginning, rather than just an ending. There will be some good things gone from it, but there will also be some bad things gone from it. Allow yourself to mourn your loss, and at some point you'll begin to be able to recognize and even enjoy all that you've gained. Thank for your kind words, yapjoy. Is it possible to be courageous and fearful at the same time? Determined and deflated? I'm passionate about my work, and know that I'm good at it, but I'm very afraid of finding out that I'm not good enough. If I hide away from the world, then I never have to find out whether or not I'm good enough. But that's not terribly realistic, is it? Even though I've managed to hide for a while now, it is actually making me feel worse because I'm kicking myself for being so fearful. I like your advice: one foot in front of the other is all I need to do to start moving :) Take care

For Your Information...

Thanks for this, Josie. It's helpful. So where does talk therapy fit in? I've been so frustrated with my experiences of counselling because talk therapy seems to be the common approach and I've found it to be the equivalent of an educated shoulder to cry on. It's good to have someone to talk to, granted, but it doesn't go anywhere. Is it me? Does talk therapy work well for most people?