Domestic Abuse - The Aftermath...

We must have been writing at much the same time -- my last post was just finishing the one before, rather than responding to yours. I hope that you saw that, as it reads a little strangely if taken in the way that the posts have ended up... :confuse: I had the opportunity to take leave from my employer as well, but decided at the time that admitting that I needed extended stress leave would be detrimental to my career. Obviously my judgment wasn't very sound. Ah well, live and learn. Sorry to hear that he's not even doing the basic legal requirement. I feel fortunate that my ex at least does that. It must be so emotionally fraught and draining to have to chase him with the courts. I don't really understand why a woman would stay with a man accused of sexually abusing his children either. I really don't think that my ex's new girlfriend will see him for what he is before they're married because his style is just so subtle at first, but when an accusation of abuse like that is put right in front of you... As you say, though, that's her problem, poor woman. I don't actually have any interaction with my ex's girlfriend, as he lives a few hours drive away. My issue with him at this point though is that he's moved, and now says that the distance is too far and he'll only be able to spend one weekend a month with the girls, rather than every other weekend. It's not true: his new place is actually about 10 km closer, and it was all of a Google map for my eldest daughter to figure this out. Their interpretation, therefore, is that he just doesn't want to be with them, and that he doesn't love them as much, now that he has a new family (his gf has a daughter similar age to my girls), and I don't think that they're wrong. The girls are so hurt and angry that they don't want to see him at all, ever again. Inside, I'm all for this, but what I actually did was give him a call to let him know how deeply hurt they are and that he needed to address this before he lost them completely. Even a year ago, they would believe anything he told them, but they're entering their teens and are starting to do what most teens do which is to question authority figures. He has no understanding of this, and is angry that they won't simply believe what they're told. What do I do? Do I pull him out of this mess? Left on his own, I think that he'll try to bully and guilt them into submission which will just dig him further into the hole. At the moment, he's avoiding it all in the hope that it will go away. This weekend coming up is supposed to be his weekend with them, but he's said that he'll see them the last weekend in January. If he doesn't do something before this weekend, he will lose them. I told him this 2 days ago and he still hasn't contacted them. My instinct says that the girls will regret it if they cut off all ties with him, but I absolutely support them for calling him on his lie. (I'm actually very proud of them because he's scary when he's mad.) As I write this, I realize that as much as I hate continually fixing things for this blasted man, I'm going to have to for the sake of my girls, aren't I? I know that the girls are eventually going to see him for who he is and for what he has done -- it feels like a mantra, I've been saying it so often for so long. It really is very tempting to just let events flow as they will and not have to deal with him anymore. Thanks for letting me vent.

For Your Information...

It's sad, isn't it? That's exactly how I felt: as though I didn't have enough friends that I had to pay someone to listen to my problems. Whew -- I'm glad to hear that it's not just me! This program has been very helpful. Once I found the proper words for what I needed, I have been able to find help and make progress. But that was after nearly 6 years of paying for a shoulder. I've spent so much money trying to get help, but it's hard to get the help you need if you don't know what that is and you're relying on professionals who don't seem to know either...!! I really gave these people a chance, as well -- I would go for an hour every week, at their recommendation. For the first few years, I assumed that it might take a few tries before I found a good therapist, so I didn't set a time limit but worked with them for a good 6 or 7 months before I gave up. After that, I had a four month limit -- that should have been ample time for me to have seen some progress, shouldn't it? What benefit is talk therapy supposed to have? It wasn't helpful for you or I, Perth, but it must be helpful for some people, you'd think? I've also found a great self-help group. As Josie said, it's free, and we meet on a weekly basis. There's a therapist who started it up and attends all the meetings, but it's run by the members. And -- I'm very excited! -- I've found a Mindfulness-Based CBT group program that I've got into. It runs for 10 weeks and starts last week of January -- it'll reinforce and hold me to the practices that I've been learning here, as well as reinforce and hold me to the yoga/meditation practices that work well for me (when I can bring myself to do them). Give me the words, and I'll find what I need. I won't be upset about the years of groping around in the dark, just glad that I've finally found it.

New year new hope, No Hope?

Hi gabs The holiday sounds great, and I'm sure that you'll have a lovely time once you get there. I'm not really good with in-between times, either. You're getting good support from people who know you better, but I wanted to say something about your worries about your father. My mother was the major caregiver for my father after his stroke. She had an opportunity to go to China for 3 weeks with my aunt and a group of their friends -- a fantastic opportunity and one that would never come again. Dad could get around on his own, but was becoming more disoriented and Mom was worried that she shouldn't go. My sister and I worked out a schedule so that one of us would always be with him and sent her off. Change of caregiver, perhaps, he did deteriorate somewhat the first day or so after she left, but otherwise that was it. She had an amazing time, and came home much refreshed. Good thing, because Dad was a lot of work! Your Dad is worried, but your going on holiday is not going to change his time. He may well, and hopefully will, live another 20 years -- you can't be expected to be available to him immediately everyday for the rest of his life. Even if he doesn't live another 20 years, you need to be able to move around of your own accord. Do whatever you need to do to dispel the anxiety, and enjoy yourself. Sounds like you really deserve it!

New here too

Thank you so much, Sandy, for sharing your experience. It shook me out of my denial/resistance about the amount of red wine I drink. Judging by other posts about meds, I'm on rather a lot of medication and still manage to convince myself that a glass or 2 of wine in an evening won't hurt. But you've made very clear to me that I'm simply undoing all the good stuff -- then I get frustrated because moving forward is so slow and difficult! I knew this already somewhere in my mind, and was deliberately ignoring it. Thanks everybody, for being so open -- reading about all of you facing up to your foolhardiness made it easier for me to face my own.

For Your Information...

That does help me understand better, wildcat. Perhaps you have greater focus and I have a greater need for structure -- my ramblings would generate interesting conversations, but I didn't know what then to do with the new information or perspective. I suppose that that this thread is reinforcing that, just as there is no one thing that got us here, there's no one or right way to get us out. I'm working one-to-one now with the therapist who organizes the self-help group I participate in, and I find that the combination of his knowledge and experience, my knowledge that he's observed me in a social (albeit safe) environment, and my CBT work is really making a difference. An example was when I identified a core belief that I'm dull, boring, and generally inept socially -- the next step in the program was to go back over my life looking for evidence, and I was having difficulty with this because it was so obviously true that I was blind to evidence to the contrary. For as far back as I could think, new people that I'd meet would soon drift off, I don't have many friends, and I've always been awkward in groups rather than the bubbly life of the party. Bringing this up with my therapist, though, he was quite taken aback -- he never would have guessed, from our conversations or from my behaviour in the group, that I believed this about myself. I found it difficult to discount his opinion (my usual response when someone says something nice about me) because he's actually seen me numerous times in a group situation. We talked more about friendships in my life, and I made an off-hand comment that I'd had lots of friends in high school -- that everybody wanted to be my friend, in fact, because of my 2 very good-looking and very popular older brothers. He challenged this, and I came up with some specific examples of people, girls in particular, who had pretended to be my friend so that they could get into my brothers' social circle. I'd found it hurtful, but that was a long time ago. We left it at that. For a while, I guess my sub-conscious played with the 2 concepts: 1) that I was dull and socially inept was actually a belief, rather than necessarily the truth; and 2) that many years ago my trust in people's motives for friendship had been challenged a few times. It was a good week or even 2 before the connection clicked in my conscious mind, but then came a whole slew of other clicks and I realized that these acquaintances hadn't been drifting off all my adult life because I was dull and boring, but because I'd been unresponsive and had shut them out. I don't know the words to say how utterly astounding this was to me. I'd been navel-gazing for so long that I'd thought I knew myself inside out, but I'd had no idea I did this. The social ineptitude had been a given -- I could rhyme off every stupid thing I'd said, every gaffe and blunder, every person who had tried to be nice to me but just found me too boring to sustain a friendship, my evidence was substantial and long-standing. I guess that's why they're called core beliefs. I'm still a little disoriented in my new perspective, but I've moved past disbelief, past skepticism, and have been testing this out a bit and do you know what? When I'm warm and responsive, people are warm and responsive back! It's very cool! I'm looking at the world and my life in a completely different way now, and it feels really, really good. Do you know what else I'm finding, wildcat? Showing our vulnerability and emotion is like giving others permission to show their own, and most people are a little surprised, perhaps, but then relieved and even grateful. There will always be people in the world who believe that sincerity, vulnerability and emotion are for losers, and I'm sad for them because they're living in monochrome rather than technicolour. Sorry for the long post, but

Effexor Side Effects

I feel like I've been on so many different medications over the past 7 years, but seem to have stabilized somewhat with this current combination. Earlier in the year, I'd been on 300mg Effexor and 150mg Wellbutrin for several months but was still crying most days and not sleeping very well. At that point Effexor was still under patent and my insurance excludes psychotropics so it was costing me about $200/month, which I would have been happy to pay if it helped, of course. As it wasn't, I started to wean myself off the Effexor. Went to a clinic to look at my sleeping patterns, and the psychiatrist there, before the sleep test agreed with weaning off Effexor and increased Wellbutrin to 300mg, and after the test added 30mg Remeron. On that combination, I fell asleep when I went to bed, but the anxiety and irritability were there constantly. I'd forgotten that I still had a substantial amount of Effexor 150mg -- in a multi-vitamin container, of all places! -- and unwittingly took a couple one morning, thinking that they were, surprise, surprise, multi-vitamins. As I sat down to work after breakfast, I thought at first that I was having a niacin rush -- some multi-vitamins will do this to me, particularly when combined with certain breakfast cereals -- which, if others haven't experienced this, is a sort of whole body flush and tingling. But there wasn't the redness that I'd usually get with a niacin rush. Then I noticed the dry mouth and I clued in to what I'd done. So, besides the wooziness and disorientation that came from going from 0 to 300 on Effexor, I had a good refresher on the side effects it gives me: some nausea and headaches (went away after a couple of weeks), loss of appetite, blurry vision, night sweats -- the last three are persistent. As to the near/slight aphasia, KrissyRN, I was attributing that to other things, namely 40's moments, poor concentration, attention span of a gnat. I don't think that it improved at all in the 6 months that I was off the Effexor, so I don't think that I can blame it on the pills, unfortunately. On the upside, once the wooziness wore off, it felt like I'd taken a happy pill. So I checked with my psychiatrist and he gave me the ok to go back on the Effexor at 150mg (it's off patent now, yay!) and continue on the 300mg Wellbutrin and 30mg Remeron. The Remeron and Effexor seem to cancel each other out in terms of affecting my appetite, and the night sweats and blurry vision are back, but my mood is considerably elevated, the irritability is down, and there are times when I actually feel joyous. I can't comment on the fatigue, as not feeling exhausted is but a very distant memory... As per another thread, though, perhaps eliminating wine from my diet will also improve my sleep quality, along with all the other impacts/benefits discussed.:)

New here too

Sorry to hear that you've had some setbacks, rcguy, but don't give up. The bank should be pretty motivated to help you figure your way through your debts, as it's a lot less expensive for them than foreclosing. You'll read in other posts about how tough it is to find a good counsellor -- it's really frustrating waiting for someone else to help, especially if s/he doesn't seem to care much. Rather than take it personally, though, keep in mind that it's simply bureaucracy in action. They may eventually be helpful, so I wouldn't cancel everything, but do what you can on your own in the meantime. This program is great, and you can do it anytime. Not quite the same as a live group, but not a poor second. Are there any self-help groups in your area? They are often free or minimal cost. Ask your doctor about bi-polar, but anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. I have both, and I've decided that my theme song is U2's "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of". Because of the fear and anxiety, I hesitate to do the very things that would actually make me feel a lot better... which tosses me into the downward spiral as I berate myself for giving in to my fears, etc, etc. Wine to relax in the evening is a temptation I've been giving in to far too much -- as Sandy and the others wrote: it harms more than it helps. So then, how to deal with the racing thoughts and overwhelming stress? Do you have other outlets for stress? A sport? Exercise? Music? I do yoga and meditation. Well, sporadically. I've been using the wine crutch for several months instead, but I've been motivated to change that -- thanks to you for opening up and starting this thread. :) I think that part of feeling caught in a moment or loop or spiral is feeling a lack of control. There are lots of things happening in our lives that we have little control over, at least in the short-term: case managers, shiftwork hours, other people's behaviour in general, the weather, bureaucracy... But there are always things that we do have control over -- find one of those things, something that's really bothering you, and change it. It's surprising how good it feels to take even one small step toward getting some semblance of control back over your life. At some point, when you're ready, write about your marriage and the abuse. Some of us have been there, and know that it's a very lonely and disheartening place to be. It was such a relief for me to find others who understood the subtle, behind-the-scenes cruelty that I experienced. Hopefully we can give you some support. Be good to yourself.

I’m not new to depression.

Hi DonGato It's good to have to actively participating, though I'm sorry to hear that you've fallen back into depression. To have the inner strength and courage to pull yourself out of the pit before is tremendous. I've always been a fighter as well, but am also finding it difficult to get myself out of this. People keep asking me where my spirit is, but I'm tired. I went to a retreat a while ago, to learn how to release my pent up and repressed anger. It was very interactive, and after talking about our lives, issues, etc, the facilitators put together skits/role-plays so that we could experience physically unloading our negative stuff. Well, part of my role-play had me being under a blanket, which the others held down taut (supposed to simulate the blackness that's weighing me down), and I was supposed to fight my way out and throw off the blanket. Well, it was actually quite comfortable under the blanket -- warm, and kind of like the forts we used to make as kids with sheets and blankets -- and I really didn't want to leave that space. I eventually did, because it was a workshop and I didn't want to give the facilitators a hard time or hold the rest of the day up, but it really was a good analogy for me. It's somewhere inside us, our fighting spirit, it's just a matter of finding it. Welcome, and I hope this place helps you as much as it's helping me.

I’m not new to depression.

lol -- what a mix of metaphors! Time to heal is really important, and whether we ask for and accept the help of others or do it on our own is a matter of personal preference, I suppose. My father would always say "If you want a job done right, do it yourself", and that tenet was so deeply embedded in my belief system that it took this crash and burn for me to realize that asking for and accepting help is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of wisdom. My mother continues to live in the house we grew up in, though alone since my father passed away 2 years ago. She's 81 and very fit, healthy and active. Sometime last year, she wanted to get an old desk down from the second floor to put out for Goodwill or whoever to take away. She managed to get it down the staircase on her own, but got stuck at the landing. Her next door neighbour was outside -- they're a young couple with 2 very young children -- so she called out and asked if he could help her with the desk. He was more than happy to help, and the two of them got in down to the curb in less than 2 minutes. My eldest brother, hearing of this, chastised my mother for asking for help from the neighbours -- if she needed help, she should have asked family. Well, she'd been asking both of my brothers for a couple of weeks, but they were always too busy. Even so, my mother went from feeling pleased that the desk was out, to feeling guilty for asking for help. As it was, the neighbour had been more than happy to help, and my mother's gesture of asking him opened up the relationship so that they were comfortable in offering to rake her leaves, and in asking if she could keep an eye on their kids while they ran a quick errand. Life is a little easier for all of them, and more enjoyable because it's a nice feeling, helping someone else. Yes, a solid and sturdy house can be built without nails, and nails can be a bother because you have to learn how to forge them and someone might give you the wrong information so the nails you forge don't come out high quality, so you have to do them over again. And you may not actually find out that some nails are poor quality until part of the house falls down, so you have to rebuild it. In the end, it comes down to the desired goal of building the house. You can decide that you're going to build it yourself with no nails -- it's going to be a masterpiece of engineering, and will go down in history as one of the very few houses to be built this way this well. You thoroughly research the methodology, gather all the implements, including the lines and pulleys and braces you'll need to keep the vertical beams standing straight while you put the cross beams in place (since you're doing this on your own). You can decide that you're going to build it yourself with nails -- it's going to be of such superb quality that your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren will be able to live in it comfortably and cosily. You thoroughly research how to forge nails, and you practice and practice until your nails are perfect. Again, you gather all the implements, including the lines and pulleys and braces you'll need, since you're doing this on your own. You decide to hire expert craftspeople to work with you. They recommend using nails -- intriguing as the challenge of building a house without nails may be, it would take several years longer than if built with nails. They'd be happy to do it if that what you really want, but they charge by the hour. So they teach you how to forge the nails, supervising as you go, and after a few rather crooked or bendy ones, you're able to forge all the high quality nails you need. The craftspeople have all the implements, and you won't need the lines, pulleys and braces because there'll be enough of you to support each other as you build. You decide to gather all your friends and neighbours to help you build, with the offe

I’m not new to depression.

(cont.) You decide to gather all your friends and neighbours to help you build, with the offer of beer and pizza at the end of each day. Some have experience, some don't. Jack has a circular saw, Judy's brother's neighbour has an extension ladder you can borrow, Emily has several hammers, and the rest of the implements you rent from Home Depot. You find a class on how to forge nails, and a few of your friends offer to help. Mary tend the fire, which in itself is a big help because otherwise you'd have to be stopping all the time to stoke the fire yourself. Pete just can't seem to get the hang of forging nails -- the ones he does are either too brittle or too soft -- but he keeps trying, and with a lot of laughter he eventually he gets it. His are actually as good, if not better than yours. Carmen said that she wanted to help, but she keeps taking off. When she's there, she just complains, and can't understand why you don't just buy a pre-fab house and be done with it. In the end, she stopping coming over, which was actually fine because there are still people helping and it's a more fun and interesting working environment when she's not there. You're chatting and learning tons of stuff that has nothing to do with nails, and Tony actually stops doing nails and shows you how to do curly-cue iron railings -- you hadn't thought of putting a balcony off the master bedroom, but what a great idea and it would look so cool with these railings! It seems like no time and all the nails are done, along with the railings for the balcony. You're ready to start building. Which is where I am. Ready to start building, but afraid to start building. What if I come across something I don't know how to do, and everybody's looking to me to show them how. Best do it alone, then, rather than risk looking stupid. What if it doesn't work? What if, once it's all built, it falls over? What if it's not perfect -- people walking by will know that I'm incompetent! What if green isn't the right colour for the roof -- would blue be more acceptable? What if... What if... Lots of different analogies, lots of different approaches, but in the end it comes down to the desired goal of actually building the house. It comes down to believing that life will be better without the blanket over me, pushing the blanket aside, and standing up to face my fears and say "I'm not afraid of you". It comes down to stepping forward regardless of what other people may think, or of what the house may look like, prepared to simply deal with each obstacle as and when it comes. That's the fighting spirit I used to have and need to find again. My depression isn't my enemy, it's my comfort as I continue to avoid facing my fears. You'll have gathered that I like stories and analogies, and I hope that you don't mind me indulging myself here. Remembering the retreat and the blanket role-play -- as I wrote it and wrote this I realized what I had done that day. I stood up and pushed the blanket off. I didn't want to or feel like it, but I did it anyway. Maybe I don't need to find that strong fighting spirit of my younger days. Maybe the thing to do is to stop looking for it and just move on with my life with whatever I'm able to muster. Maybe it can't find me under my blanket. Putting analogies aside, DonGato, I've picked a couple of less menacing fears to face, and started re-establishing contact with some friends who I believed had drifted off because they were bored with me. I've also taken on a couple of challenging volunteer roles in my field of work so that I can start to feel success and accomplishment again. Small steps.