:p I love this thread! I thought we were the only people in the world who used games as a distraction.
It's funny ... Shell knows what's going on with me by the game I have up on the computer. If it's solitaire, I'm puzzling through something mentally and she leaves me alone. If it's one of the more intense games, she knows I'm hiding. If it's one of the simple games, she knows I'm just kind of hanging out.
Shell has her PS2 and finds it not only distracts her mentally, but helps distract from physical pain as well.
I guess redirecting our minds in any way possible does work. Sometimes, for me, it's mostly a matter of stopping the "squirrel cage" chatter in my head and calming down.
Fleursh ...
"Amazing how my life has been structured around these."
Thanks so much for sharing this. Over the years it seems I find my way through one issue after another and in the process I tend to forget the things I learned early on.
Reading your assumptions hit home for me. A decade ago, I spent a tremendous amount of energy getting past my negative assumptions. Then other things happened in life, I got busy and I forgot about this important tool.
Almost all of that list resonated for me.
I seem to recall this is covered in later lessons ... I'm looking forward to it.
Hi Shanelia. I'm new myself and have already found this board to be a tremendous help. The CBT program is just what I need now and the friendly support I find in the forums is a great comfort.
I could relate when you said that you just ignored the depression, tried to pretend it was nothing. Almost everyone I know who has major depression does this. I guess we just hate the idea so much we avoid it as long as possible. :)
Welcome!
Welcome Galadriel!
I'm new myself, but have found the people here so open, friendly and understanding. I'm sure you will too.
I definitely identify with your feelings of not being understood. If we go around expressing our true feelings, we're all doom and gloom. If we put on a happy face, we're cured. ~sigh~ I still struggle with that and I've been fighting depression my entire life.
I also identify with feeling confused and unable to articulate what I feel. If I knew what was going on inside, I would be able to work on it but the things that make me most miserable are those things I haven't yet been able to identify. There is no way someone who has never felt serious depression can understand that. Everyone gets the blues, but not everyone gets to that dark place that the people here seem to understand so well.
I also have fibromyalgia which causes "brain fog" at times so there are moments I feel truly lost in some wilderness.
I'm lucky to have a partner who gets it, but I also understand your feeling alone. I didn't fall in love until I was 42 years old. Seriously! I'd been married at 19, came out as a lesbian at 30, had [b]all kinds[/b] of relationships, but never met the "right" one till six years ago. You say you are in your 30s ... I remember feeling like a big slice of life had passed me by when I was there. Have heart, though, that it's possible to still find your "happy ending" even when you are past what some would say is your "best before" expiration date! :)
Being depressed and being alone sucks. On the positive side, though (I'm the local Pollyana Sunshine girl), you've found this place and we may not take you out dancing, but I bet someone here shares your story.
It seems you're willing to open up and share your feelings here and I've found that the people at this board do really get it. I hope you find some relief here.
Oh yah ... I'm the wordy one, too. :)
[size=4][color=Purple][font=Comic Sans MS]Welcome!![/font][/color][/size]
DL ... I don't recall where I mentioned it, but I do get the commitment to not hurt others. I'm sober too (more than 20 years now) and I haven't hit another person after my 2nd year of sobriety. That has been part of my recovery ... "No hitting". I realize that words are actually more hurtful (bruises heal, words fester), but the self management is the same. Good for you!! We may not always be able to control our words, but [b]wanting[/b] to do the right thing goes a long way toward healing any slip ups.
I know that one ... If I snap at Shell, I immediately feel like a total jerk. If I hurt her feelings, I feel lower than snake spit. I honestly do not want to hurt anyone anymore. She knows that is true, and when I mess up, she accepts my apology because it is truly sincere.
That's an awesome thing to be thankful for today, actually. I think I'll borrow that one from you. :) I'm so glad I'm not the b*tch I was. I've learned the difference between assertive and aggressive, I'm still no pushover, but I'm not a bully either. Damn, it feels good to wake up and know that yesterday I was kind to the people I love! :)
Wildcat ... you are a deep one! I need more coffee to get my grey matter to fully process your mantra. ;p Actually, I do agree that love just is. Those who truly love us (as opposed to using us to fulfill some emotional agenda) are not wrong. And anyone who works as hard as you obviously do at self understanding has got to be a good soul. Bad people don't care, I believe. That alone makes you deserving of love, imho. :)
Welcome Canadian_Mom.
I'm one of those folks who believe everything happens for a reason and maybe your being led here will turn out to be the best thing for you?
I'm new here too, just working through the first session and getting to know the people. I've found this place a safe haven filled with people who understand what I'm going through and offer up some much appreciated support. I'm sure you will too!
Looking forward to getting to know you better. :)
Today's happy thought for me is being glad I found this site. I've met people who understand and offer me support, I've met people I can offer support to, I'm working through the sessions and find the guidance from the support staff is exactly what I need to hear. Thank you all!!!
Today I will think about what you said, Gabs ... being kind to myself. I did have a handle on that at one time, but it seems the handle has fallen off. :) The negative self stuff is back. Sneaks up when I forget to pay attention, it seems.
I need to remember to treat [b]me[/b] with the same kindness I'd treat any one of you. So my house is messy, I'm behind in projects, I just want to crawl into bed and get warm and read ... that doesn't make me lazy or a failure. If one of you told me you felt that way, I'd suggest you take care of yourself, nurture yourself and do exactly what your body tells you. I get to have the same privilege.
Gabs, I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty and selfish over the years. I got that message drilled into my starting at a very young age.
I finally found something that works for me ... "enlightened self interest". That means I have permission to treat myself with exactly the same degree of kindness I treat my loved ones with. If I don't take care of me, I have nothing to offer anyone else. It seems like NOT taking care of myself is the selfish thing to do.
Selfish, to me, means giving in to my fears, my guilts, my negative self talk. All that stuff makes me so focussed on self that I can't really give the best of me (or even much of me) to anyone else. Taking the time to be good to me, making myself strong enough to look outward is the unselfish thing to do. ~shrug~ Everyone has their own way of doing things and that's mine. :)
DL ... hats off to you!! It sounds like you have a ton of stuff going on in your life and yet you find the energy and drive to get out there and do things. Do important things.
You inspire me as well. I love hearing success stories. I struggle with getting myself out and being social with friends I've lost touch with so your experience offers hope that perhaps I, too, will be able to renew some friendships.
DL ... the blinking clock would be so unsettling to me that I would never be able to sit and have coffee where I could see it. Things like that really do send the anxiety skyrocketing. Odd that you mentioned the blinking clock since that is one of my biggest things. I've actually got to the point where I allow the timer on the coffee maker to be set wrong, even though it drives me crazy, but it doesn't blink.
Wildcat ... thank you. Hearing what others go through and being able to identify with it is more comfort than I can express. I'm still learning about the OCD stuff (or TOCque :) ) so hearing your experiences is such a help.
Sometimes I feel cracked as grandma's china ... like I'm going totally nuts. Logic doesn't begin to sort out the feelings and I've spent years feeling so out of control. Hearing that others do the same things and feel the same way helps so much. "I need it on hand and I need to know" ... I so relate to that.
My current project is to not bring any flyers up to the apartment. When I check the mail, I throw the junk mail into the recycle bin there and then. The one thing I allow myself is the Ikea catalogue, but everything else goes. I've got to the point where the anxiety is almost gone doing that. I can drop stuff into the recycle without even looking at it ... most days. :)
Now if I could just part with the stuff I've collected before that rule was applied. ~sigh~ One thing at a time, I guess.
I wasn't sure what this board was like when I joined, so I used "Lulu" as a username. Sandy is my real name and I'd prefer to use it here.
I've switched over but thought I'd make a post about it so no one is confused. :)
