Humour. Without it, I'd have given up a long time ago. One thing that Shell and I do at least once every single day is have a good laugh. Lots of times it's at ourselves ... two gimpy women in one house is a set up for a comedy of errors, believe me. At least once a day our dog makes us laugh out loud. Jack Russells are the comedians of the dog world.
No matter how miserable I am, I know as long as I can still laugh, I'll make it through.
My positive thought for today is that I'm so grateful I can still flex my humour muscles. And in keeping with that thought, here's what I look like in the mornings ...
[IMG]http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a4/JR_Sandy/mymorning-vi.jpg[/IMG]
Ho Ho Holy Sh*t it's finally over!
Yep, we survived the Christmas Crazy.
Miserable year for us, both too unwell to even put up a tree, but on the bright side we don't have to take the rotten thing down. I always hate that part and this year I shall be spared. :)
My positive thought for today came from watching a TV commercial, of all places. It was for some new med for Rheumatoid Arthritis and the gist of the commercial is that I can't be who I used to be but I sure can be something else.
Having a disability really does rob life of a lot of pleasures I always took forgranted. I've spent literally years trying to refit myself into this new limited body and have run up against the wall of depression time and time again.
Last night the light bulb went off over my head ... If I can't be who I was (social butterfly, Harley rider, skydiver ... etc.), who do I want to be in this new set of circumstances? I can re-define myself.
Instead of being like a river fighting against a dam, I can be like a creek flowing around rocks and obstacles. I'm no longer that person who goes after life like I'm running out of time, no longer the adrenaline junkie. Yah, I miss it a lot some days, but it's time for me to grow into my new existance. A new, softer, more adaptable Sandy.
I love that I'm always up for a challenge. My challenges used to be physical, but these days they come in the form of mental challenges. Believe me, fighting fatigue and depression every day is much, much more difficult than skydiving! And not nearly so much fun. :)
My challenge for 2008 is to adapt. To redefine. To clear out those things and people that no longer fit my world. To become a new version of me. To stop fighting so hard and to start focussing on what I'm grateful for.
Anyone else have a vision for the upcoming year?
Shell and I always choose a word that we live by. For 2006 it was tranquility. We measured everything that came along by that yardstick. If it didn't promote tranquility, we didn't do it.
2007 was health. Not so successful with that one, but still helped us be more aware of what we could do to feel better.
2008 is redefine ourselves. Be the most we can be with the limitations we are given. Everyone has limitations and the goal this year is to work with ours instead of fighting them.
Welcome to all the new "faces" around here. :) I've found this a safe, supportive and friendly place to talk about my feelings. That's a real treasure in life. Glad you found us!
Today's happy thought is self indulgence. :)
There is a full basket of laundry, all kinds of housework to do, a dog needing a walk ... and I'm going to crawl back into bed with my laptop and read a wonderful stash of eBooks I found. (If anyone wants to know where to find them, contact me ... can I put my email addy here?)
It's the last day of 2007, a tough year. I'm setting everything aside and not worrying about a single thing until next year. Love the sound of that! I'll finish this year off with a stress free day and hope that sets the tone for all of next year.
I hope everyone here has a great New Year's Eve!
Welcome, DJ.
Just a note on something I learned about my own childhood ... I, too, came from a rough childhood (alcohol, abuse and insanity). I did the same thing as you, tried to ignore it, but that just did not work for me. Instead I had to take the plunge, go back and look at those feelings. It was hard. I've never done anything more difficult, in fact. But you get what you work for and it was so worth it! The freedom and healing I found was worth all the pain.
As for not crying, I can identify with that too. Until the past couple of years, I basically did not cry. I was called "hard hearted" more than once, but that wasn't true. I simply couldn't express the pain I felt inside. It felt like if I started crying I'd never be able to stop.
I'm not sure what changed, exactly, but I can cry now. I don't hear echos of "I'll give you something to cry about!" from my childhood, I don't feel like a weak idiot ... it's just one more colour in my emotional rainbow.
I'm glad to see you posting here. Perhaps being able to express some of what you're feeling here may help? The self harm stuff is a difficult thing to admit to and even tougher to live with. Maybe having a safe place to talk will help? I hope so.
At any rate, welcome. :)
Welcome Volucris ... glad you found this place.
I remember being your age, not being taken seriously ("What do you have to be depressed about Sandy? You are young!"). It sucks.
Having unstable parents is tough. Not unusual, though ... this whole depression thing seems to run in families. The counsellors here would know more about that, but seems that if you shake the family tree of a depressive a couple more depressives fall out.
As for not worrying your friends, I get that too. My best friend at 18 told me I was "moody" and "difficult". Uh huh, thanks a bunch.
If you share with the folks here, I'm sure you'll find some great support. One thing about depression is that it doesn't care about gender, age, orientation, nationality ... we all get an equal shot of the miserables regardless of who we are.
I've found that CBT works wonders. Not easy, Volucris, but then neither is being depressed. I've found it worth the work. Working the sessions (even though I've been through this kind of therapy before) is a huge help. Meeting folks here who understand is also a big help.
Hope you find the same!
Happy New Year to ya!
Welcome Miakoda.
Wow, you've got yourself a full plate. I've been overwhelmed by life before too, and it sucks. I find myself getting into that terrible mindset where it feels like things will never change ... or if they do, it's for the worse.
I dunno what helps you, but I take it one day (sometimes one minute) and one problem at a time. I'm OCD so making lists helps me. Seeing it written down kind of makes me feel like I have some thread of control. LOL ... at least my OCD serves me in some way. Mostly it adds problems but in this case it helps.
Relationships are hard and it does take someone pretty special to cope with us depressed folks. It took me until I was 42 to truly fall in love (although I had a zillion reltionships before this) so don't lose hope. In looking back, my depression sort of weeded out anyone who wasn't loving, patient and giving.
I've battled depression my entire life. Like since I was a child ... I was on tranq's when I was 4 years old. I've had a fair amount of therapy, mostly the same brand as offered here in the sessions (CBT) and I am a true believer in the power of that kind of healing. It really does work. I'm having a hell of a time getting through the sessions since I'm more interested in posting and getting to know folks than in doing my work, but I know the more I do the better I'll feel. I hope it works for you too!
Thanks for sharing about yourself. You've found a safe place to do that and sometimes that is enough to get you through a bad moment.
Again, welcome!
Hi Leanne! I was just going down the list of new folks and saw your post. I replied to Miakoda's post and will end up repeating myself here since your story sounds much like mine.
Dealing with depression our entire lives is not the easy row to hoe, is it? I have gone through periods of "grace" where I've felt good for stretches of time, but the wheel always seems to turn and I end up back at this spot.
The CBT has been (literally) a lifesaver for me over the years.
On a bright note, however, I no longer suffer those absolutely black, down-in-the-pit depressions I once did. I spent years being terrified they would return, but Prozac is my miracle drug and therapy is my part in the solution. I haven't had suicidal thoughts for over 10 years. I'm proof you [i]can[/i] find your way back.
I'm glad you found us. Keep sharing, keep getting to know the folks here and I'm sure you'll meet some great people. LOL ... and, if you're like me, try to work the program instead of just visiting. I'm more interested in socializing than doing the work and to be honest, even that has been a huge boost for me. Being understood is a wonderful gift.
Again, welcome!
Welcome Yapjoy!
Yah, that roller coaster thing is exhausting. You'd think we would get used to it, eh? Never happens, though.
I'm in my 40s too ... the last bit of it ;) and I LOVE my age. Every decade it seems my depression becomes easier to deal with. I wouldn't go back to that desperation of youth for anything.
Keep sharing with us, get to know the people here and you'll find a great safety net. The folks here do understand and that goes a long way toward not feeling like a freakshow.
Again, Welcome!
Hello HB and Sunshine!
I can identify with both of you ... I'm having a really tough time getting into the sessions. I know part of it is that I'd rather hang out in the forums and talk with people than do the work, but part of it is that doing the therapy feels like "one more thing" on an endless list of things I "should" be doing. Someone once said I was "shoulding" all over myself. LOL ... fits, eh?
CBT works. I've been in therapy off and on for almost 30 years and of all the approaches, this is the one that helps me.
I'm glad you both found this place. I've met some of the most wonderful people here and found it to be a safe place to express what I'm going through.
Again, welcome!
