I'm not sure which category this post should go in...But does anyone out there have experience with domestic abuse? I'll try to keep this short, but it's a long story...
I left a verbally abusive relationship 5 years ago (after 9 years). But recent events have left me struggling with overwhelming negative thoughts that seem to consume every minute of every day...
I left my ex because he was verbally abusive, mostly to my oldest daughter (his step daughter). I also have a younger daughter who is his biological daughter.
About a year ago, my oldest daughter (now 17) disclosed that he sexually abused her including raping her when she was 12. She also witnessed him sexually abuse my younger daughter (now 12). I think I went into a state of shock for a few months, and ran on adrenaline in the months after that. I think I've crashed now.
I've spent most of the last year dealing with police, lawyers, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, detectives, trying to get something done about the sexual abuse. You know what they could do to help me? Nothing. He's not considered an immediate threat to our safety. And my daughter is terrified to press charges.
Finally it seemed that all I could do was get a lawyer and take him to court to at least deny him access to my youngest daughter. That has been hugely stressful in itself and will take months to accomplish.
I hate him so much it consumes me...I wish I could make him feel the anguish he has inflicted on us, I wish I could make him see how broken he has left us, how we will never be the same and will struggle with the scars he left us forever...
I'm enraged by the "system" that is supposed to help us - that I have to go to court and prove that he is a threat to my daughter when that should be self-explanatory. That I feel like we're the ones being interrogated when it should be him. I have dealt with every agency I know of whose purpose is to help victims of abuse and they have all proven to be impotent to do anything. I just get shuffled to another agency or department.
One of the first things I always get asked is "why did you stay for 9 years?" And I don't know. So I took a course on abusive relationships and I learned that there are many reasons people stay in abusive relationships (fear, self-doubt, societal expectations, financial reasons, the list is extensive) and that the abuse itself manipulates a person into thinking that they can't possibly leave. Learning this made me feel better and realize that I am not to blame for his behaviour, only he is.
Then about a week ago we each had to have a court ordered psychological assessment. One psychologist stated that she was concerned that I was not "emotionally available" to my children, and that she was "struck" by how emotionally shut down I was. And that I should take responsibility for our family's turbulent past and should have gotten help for my daughter sooner. What??? I am so overwhelmed by a roller coaster of emotions that the only way to function day to day is to try to shut it off. Otherwise I would probably be in a rubber room by now.
I have spent the last 5 years putting my family back together, largely on my own because no one else wants to get too involved. And I have done everything I can think of to do that. All of us have been through counselling (I still am). We have a very close, loving and supportive relationship now. How dare she say that I don't have any feelings, or that I haven't helped my kids, or that I am responsible????
The other psychologist told me that probably the biggest reason I didn't leave him sooner was because I have been depressed much longer than I realized, and that I was too depressed to do anything about the abuse. That made me feel like a piece of crap. Defective. Like I shouldn't have had kids because I was too depressed to take care of them. Like it was my depression that made it possible fo
Thank you for your kind words.
I'm not sure what got cut off at the end, I think I was rambling by then...
I do have a question though. It seems that what I know and what I feel are totally separate. Even though I know I'm a good person and I deserve good things and such, I don't feel it. No matter how much my brain tells my heart the right things, my heart just doesn't seem to agree.
Maybe I will learn in future sessions how to overcome that.
Got room in that snowed-in cabin for one more? :p
The holidays can be frustrating - the commercialism, the rushing, the long to-do lists - and because all the things we do at the holidays seems to be the opposite of what the holiday stands for - love & peace, rest, family, appreciation of the good things. There certainly isn't any love & joy going around in the mile long lineups at Walmart!!
I just keep telling myself that if I can get through the next few days, my reward will be to enjoy a fun and happy day with the whole family, and a few days off work to get some much needed R&R.
And the New Year can bring new beginings, perhaps a fresh start. Plus after Dec.21 the days start getting longer, more daylight. Yay! A little bit closer to a new spring and beautiful summer.
:)
Hi Cindy23,
I signed up for a course on relationships recently, and I was terrified when I signed up! But I bit the bullet and I'm glad I did. I didn't meet any life-long friends there, but it helped get me over that first hurdle of just leaving the house and going into a social setting. Small steps.
Wildcat,
You've got some really good insights in there, congrats! Sounds like you are on your way to making peace with your past, and yourself. I hope to do the same for myself and it gives me hope to hear from someone else on the road to success. Sounds like you are ready, and when we are ready, we can accomplish great things.
lovelybones
Welcome Paris,
Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. I hope you'll stick with the program, I'm sure you'll find lots of support and info here that will help.
I had a thought the other day. I asked myself, what would I say to someone else who was suffering from depression. I would comfort them, hug them, tell them that I accepted them even for their faults. That they are a good person who just needs some treatment and support and that they shouldn't be so hard on themselves.
Then I thought, so why don't I do that for myself?? So for the last few days when I feel really crappy I try to talk to myself in my head as if I were someone else. I talk to myself with kindness and reassurance. Sounds weird, but it helps.
Keep posting, we're all here to listen.
lovelybones
Hi Shannie76,
Then you're in the right place! There are lots of wonderful people here and we all understand that lost place your in right now.
I'm learning a lot as I work through the program and I feel good that I'm finally taking the time to take care of myself. I hope you will soon feel the same.
lovelybones
One thing I've learned is to trust your intuition. A long time ago my gut told me that something wasn't right with my daughter, but I couldn't put my finger on it, and she wasn't ready to talk.
After some extensive therapy to get to the source of her depression & anxiety, we now talk openly and frequently and we work through our issues together (she's almost 18 now and wise beyond her years, so we can have pretty grown-up conversations).
As for my younger daughter (12), she's a pretty well-adjusted kind of kid. Rolls with the punches most of the time. But I have learned from experience and I try to foster open communication with her on a day-to-day basis, even about simple things, so we can stay connected. That way if she ever has an issue in the future, coming to talk to me won't feel like anything out of the ordinary for her.
And I tell them often that I love them - unconditionally.
Hi Confused,
Your situation bears some striking similarities to my own. Some things I've learned from my experience are:
1. Knowledge is power. Continue educating your girls about what is abusive behavior, and that his behavior is his problem and not a reflection of them.
2. We have to teach others how to treat us. You are right to teach your girls to reject his mistreatment and teach them ways of dealing with these situations.
3. Even at this age, children are amazingly perceptive and able to voice their thoughts and opinions. Continue to keep the lines of communication open so you are aware of any problems in their relationship with their father.
4. Your girls will one day see their father for what he really is. It will be difficult for them, but they will see. And with your support I'm sure they will come to accept it without it affecting their lives too greatly.
I think you are handling the situation exactly right. Sounds like you have wonderful girls and a great relationship with them. You should be proud of yourself for surviving a difficult relationship and moving on to build a better life for yourself and your girls.
Lovelybones
Thanks, Confused - it means so much to hear from someone else who knows what it's like. I've felt so alone all this time because no one seems to understand what it's really like to have been in an abusive realtionship. I'm sorry to hear that you too have gone through the same horrible things we have, I certainly feel your pain...
I'm going to weekly counselling to learn to deal with not only the abuse, but the depression that I've been pretending doesn't exist for most of my life. I've dealt with all the negative things in my life by shutting off the emotions because they're just too painful. I've tried to suck it up, leave the past in the past, look to the future and all of the usual cliches. Obviously not working so well.
I feel like now I'm at the point that maybe you were 3 years ago - burned out and verging on a crash. But maybe a crash isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe that is my mind's way of telling me that I can't ignore my emotions anymore and I have to really deal with all this crap before I can really move forward.
I'm sorry about your Dad. I hope that you have found some peace from your grief now, losing someone we love is so profoundly difficult. I lost someone close to me just a couple of months ago and sometimes I feel like that hurt will never go away.
Did your post get cut off? I'd love to hear the rest. Thanks again for your thoughts.
