Hi Danielle,
You're right, I'm sure part of the problem is how I talk to myself and think of myself. I hope that with counselling and this program I will learn to overcome that.
Something I was thinking of the other day:
What happened yesterday does not determine what will happen today. They are independent of each other. I have free will and can choose to accept or reject the positive or negative things around me. I can choose what I will internalize, and what I will not. The trauma that I have experienced does not define me. The past is part of who I am, it is not all that I am. Everyday is a new day and full of endless possibilities. My choices influence those possibilities.
And I have been trying to talk to myself like I would talk to a friend in my situation. I try to extend the same comfort and acceptance to myself that I would give to someone else.
It's hard to override the negative thoughts, but then again, anything worth doing is rarely easy.
Welcome just-a-bill,
I noticed a theme in your post - a lot of accidents. Accidents are things that just happen through no fault of your own. So why do you blame yourself?
We tend to blame ourselves for everything bad that happens when that probably isn't the case. Then we feel bad about ourselves, then we make bad decisions because we feel bad about ourselves. Leads to that downward spiral we keep hearing about.
I do it too, it's a hard habit to break. Take a moment to remember that sometimes bad things just happen - it doesn't mean that you are to blame.
I can't pay my rent that's due tomorrow. I beat myself up about it for a while (I should have spent less at Christmas, I should have bugged my ex more to pay his child support, I should get a second job, shoulda, shoulda, shoulda) but the fact remains that I can't pay it. So I stopped stressing about it. I'll explain to my landlord that I have to pay her next week, and that's just all I can do about it right now. No sense driving myself crazy about it. Blaming myself isn't going to make the money magically appear.
One day at a time. Take the time to recover from your accidents and try to not to be so hard on yourself. :)
Hello,
Anyone have any thoughts on whether there is any difference in seeing a general M.D. or a psychiatrist when it comes to meds? My family dr. tried me on a couple that didn't work, side effects were terrible, so now she's referred me to a psychiatrist.
Initially I told her that I refused to take any more meds because my experience was so awful I'm scared to take anything else. But maybe a psychiatrist is more likely to find the right meds or combination of meds for me?
Has anyone found that a psychiatrist is more likely to prescribe the right meds as opposed to an M.D.?
Thanks for all of your input. Makes me feel better about going to a psychiatrist. I was determined to get better without the meds, but the last few days have been awful and I figure, what have I got to lose by trying one more? I just hope it doesn't take months to get the referral!
Welcome Miakoda, sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time right now. Hang in there...I know it seems overwhelming sometimes, but you'll find lots of supportive people here who understand.
If your boyfriend is not prepared to support you while you get better, than maybe it's for the best. Take the time to take care of yourself and I'm sure one day you will find someone who appreciates you, imperfections and all, whether that's your old boyfriend or someone new...
Hopefully the new meds will help get you back on track. Keep us posted!
Lovelybones
Yes, it's amazing how long it takes to get that "not good enough" mentality out of your head after someone has fed it to you for so long! But we will...
Fortunately, my employer insurance will cover short term leave for up to 4 months at full pay, and another 2 months at 75%. So I'm thinking I should take advantage of that before I have a meltdown at work and ruin my career altogether.
My financial problem comes from the fact that my ex hasn't paid support in a year (since I found out what a schmuck he is) and my other ex (yes, I have two) only pays about half of what he should. I don't make too big a deal about my first ex only paying half because at least he's a nice guy and treats my girls (even the one that's not his) with love and affection. To me, that's worth more than the money.
Well, I hope your ex's new girlfriend doesn't have to go through what we went through before she sees his true colors. Dealing with the new girlfriends is a pain, but never bothered me much as long as they were nice to my girls.
The last time I went to court with my ex (the bad one) his girlfriend was there with him - I could've puked! How could any woman stay with a man who sexually abused his children???? If she had any sense she would've dropped him like a hot potato. But that's her problem not mine.
I get what you're saying about higher powers, spirit guides. Funny how sometimes things seem to happen at just the right time, good or bad, and turn out to be blessings in disguise...
My counsellor told me that depression is often anger turned inwards, and that anxiety is anger turned sideways. Not sure if that applies to everyone, but it does fit for me.
Hi reggiecat,
Anger is one of the major reasons for my depression. Apparently I never learned to express it (grew up in a family that didn't express much of anything).
My counsellor suggested keeping something handy for when you feel the need to break something. Like some cheap dishes, pumpkins, watermelons, boxes and a golf club, or whatever you find satisfying. My daughter went through a depression fueled by anger and we went through a lot of dishes and pumpkins but after she vented all that rage she began to feel better.
Problem for me is, my anger creeps up at times when breaking things isn't a option (like at work, or in court with my ex) and I can't just decide randomly "I'm going to feel some rage now and go break something". So what do I do with that crippling rage in those situations? I have to suppress it, and then I can't get it back after the fact, and it simmers. I'm worried that one day I won't be able to control it at the worst possible time...
I haven't been on for a while because I've just been trying to cope with day to day life. I'm so fed up with everything because I'm:
- frustrated that the court case with my ex-husband keeps dragging on and on;
- frustrated with the stupidity of the court system in general;
- frustrated that my counsellor seems to spend more time talking about herself than about anything to do with me;
- frustrated that I'm swamped at work;
- frustrated that I still haven't been able to decide if I should take time off work or not;
- frustrated with my co-workers;
- frustrated with my never ending financial problems;
- frustrated that I've had two minor car accidents in as many weeks and I can't afford to fix my car;
- fed up with being depressed all the time.
The list could go on and on. Some days I just want to pack everything up and move to the other side of the world and start over. Aaargh.
I've come to the realization that I've been depressed my whole life and just accepted it as normal. I don't think I know what it feels like to not be depressed.
So my question is, how will I know when I'm not depressed anymore? What does normal feel like??
