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Posts created by cvdeb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

working

Hi again :)

So I'm scheduled to go back to work tomorrow........... and I literally can't. I think I've covered a diameter of about 10 feet since I woke up this morning. I can barely move. Just sitting and staring at things. Can't make any decisions or concentrate. I couldn't figure out what to eat for breakfast or lunch (nor do I have the energy to make it) so I just skipped that. It's a bad day. I can't make myself do anything except read posts and write.

I'm working 2 jobs (56 hours a week), and am a single mom (I have a 5 year-old son, and my 20 year-old son is home for the semester). My mom and dad are around, but getting up there in age so I really don't have any help there. My oldest son is ill with some mystery diagnosis so we have been running around to lots of specialists the past 3 months and are no closer to a diagnosis.

But I'm worried about this work thing. I actually love both of my jobs and generally speaking, am really on top of it at work. I work for myself at one job, so just had to find a sub (which I did), and talked to my supervisor at my other job who has been incredibly understanding. So I'm lucky-- I have a job in this terrible economy, and a fantastic boss. I guess I'm feeling guilty and a bit worthless. I was reading one of Diva's posts about the whole work thing and our self-value. And about longing to be "normal."

So I've managed to get another week to focus on my recovery but I feel a lot of pressure (self-induced) to get my act together so I can get back to work (I really need the income).

I feel like I'm standing on a deserted island and I can see the other shore where I need to get to, but I'm just not sure how. I think that starting session 2 will help a lot, and that was my goal for today. So far I haven't been able to do it. I'm hoping I can whip up some energy this afternoon. I know eating, excercising, sleeping welll-- I know all of that will help. It's getting the energy to do it that I'm finding hard. My body and mind are not complying with my supreme royal orders!

Traitors.

Thanks for listening. I have a very important date to go stare at my walls again and I'm running late.

ha ha

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

question

Thanks Lance-- your post helped. I know I need to be doing more than just taking medicine and posting here, and it helped to hear that it can take time for the meds to kick in, and then energy levels get better so I can take a more active role in my recovery. That helped take some of the guilt away of not feeling up to much more.

And thanks too Arizona,

This is a fairly new medication and I've heard it can take awhile. I haven't had any side effects (except for being very tired, but not sure if that's the med, or the depression). It's nice to hear from someone else who's taking it, especially since you've been on it for 5 months. I'll keep an eye out for the mania. I'm not bipolar, but I know that some meds can trigger mania. So far sleeping is all I want to do.

And what an eloquent end to your post. That was beautiful and affirming. One of the gifts of depression (I believe) is the ability to go deeply into our own psyche and re-evaluate everthing. Am I on the right path? Are my relationships working? Am I living my life or is life living me? Many important questions that really do change a person forever. I've really enjoyed Jung's work on depression-- that there is a purpose and a reason for it-- as painful as that might be. So thanks for reminding me of that. Thanks for reminding me that this is important work, that we are all worth that work, and that we will be changed for it.

hugs!

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

working

Thanks you guys. I am grateful to my boss for another week. Furgittit, what the heck is it about bed that makes it almost impossible to get out of??? I was lying there this morning all wrapped up with the rain falling outside and realized that I felt safe there. Kind of womb-ish our beds are. Where if we close our eyes, we can float off for just a bit.

It's my depression that wants to anchor me there because it does feel so safe. I've allowed myself a bit of bed wallowing to be sure, and I think I needed it. But since I've been allowed another week off, I'm putting myself on a sleep regimine that will allow me to wake up as comfortably as possible next Wednesday when I have to go back. And I do have to go back.

And Josie, I promise that I will have that walk with my sons by the end of the week. I live in the woods on a creek and the waterfall up the way is at full force. I've been wanting to see it.

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Venting

yarg!

I wrote a long response to your post, and was about to hit send when I had a session time out. The whole letter was lost. Mods, is there a way to make that be longer?

momma F., I will try again tomorrow. Suffice to say that I feel for you.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Tough Afternoon

You're doing some really good work A. You're right, we can't control anybody else. I hope you feel proud of yourself. Good job!

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

some progress

I feel a little better today. I decided to finally listen to my phone messages...... I had 147 messages. That was huge for me because I've been isolating and (obviously) not wanting to talk to anyone. I took care of my car payment. It was about to be repossessed but now it's paid off. No more car payments. It's going to sting this next month with that huge payment, but at least it's done.

I also finally called the student loan people back who I have been avoiding like the plague because I had no idea how in the world I was going to make the payments (half my income). When I called back in May, they told me there was no plan I qualified for, and so I buried my head in the sand and have worried about it everyday since. I was behind $11,000.00. Talk about depressing. Well when I talked to someone today, there is a plan I qualify for that wipes out that $11,000.00, and I was able to process all of the paperwork in one day. Talk about a half-ton truck off of my back.

So it was a fairly productive day and I'm feeling a little more connected to life. At least I was able to take care of some important goals. Laundry be damned :) That's always waiting around anyway.

That's my check-in for the day.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Diva's rainy days...

Hi Diva,

I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself. I know you feel horrible, but you are making good decisions. We will be here waiting for you.

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Effexor XR / Venlafaxine SR

Satu, are you currently taking anything for your depression?? And welcome

. You are at the right place. I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, but there are people here always willing to hear and understand.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Session Two Group Walkthrough

I liked everyone's posts for this session. I really know my self-care is in the dumpster, and I liked that this session focuses on that. So here are my goals:

Sense of Accomplishment:

1. Taking care of financial things that were bothering me. I did that yesterday and feel a huge sense of relief. I'm not scared to answer my phone anymore.

2. Listening to all 147 messages on my answering service. Now I don't have to worry about that too.

Pleasant activities:

1. Going camping (I'm going this Saturday). My boyfriend has been bugging me for months to go camping which, under normal circumstances I love. But I've been isolating so bad that I did not want to go. I couldn't see the point. The house needed cleaning, blah blah blah. So I dove in and made the committment. I've changed my mind-- I need to invest some time in myself, and in our relationship.

2. I'm taking my sewing and my book (neither of which I've been able to concentrate on) and hope to be able to focus at least a little bit.

Exercising, eating well, and sleeping well are huge priorities for me as well. I'm just working on the sleeping part, and will tackle the other two as soon as I feel ready. The sleeping is getting better. Today was the first day I didn't go back to sleep after dropping my son off at kindergarten. That was major! I've been averaging 10-16 hours of sleep everyday. It felt good to actually not feel compelled to crawl back in. Good stuff :)

So Goofy, I'm hoping to be joining you and Diva soon in the excercise department.

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

feeling grateful

My boss drove down from San Francisco today so we could have a "girls" day. We hung out, had lunch, and a really good discussion about work and depression. I didn't know that she'd been through it too at one point in her life. She told me what she wants to see from me-- to take two more paid weeks off, and be back March 15 for one specific project. She doesn't want me to worry about the other parts of my job temporarily, but to ease back in. I really was planning on hitting it full bore on Wednesday.

Um, I cried. In a really nice restaurant too. I was so grateful that it went beyond words. I had to suck it up pretty fast though because it was a very nice place and we were talking about work.

She also brought me a box of chocolate to "boost the anti-depressant".

Today was the first day that I didn't sleep most of the day. I'm tired, feeling a little goofy from going out, and medicine side effects (which are still pretty mild). But it was a good day. I was still able to answer my phone, to get out, to interact. And I am so grateful grateful grateful. I know I'm not better yet. I know that it's going to take more time, but I'm heading in the right direction. I am truly thanking God I have people here to support me, and people here in my life who understand too. Not all of them do, but the ones who are important to me are doing their best to understand.

Just checking in.

deb

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