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for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

How Do You Stop Yourself From Thinking

This discussion is right up my ally! Furgittit, I also cannot do sitting meditation. I've tried for over 20 years.

There are alternate forms of meditation that work much better for me, and arizona mentioned it-- mindfulness meditation. I find walking meditation works best for me. This is how it works: try to walk in natural setting if you can. When you find a thought intruding your mind, refocus on what's right in front of you (e.g. I see green grass, redwoods, snow, a purple flower, a sparkling curve to the river). If intruding thoughts come back, notice them as if they are a cloud floating by, and think to yourself, "That's nice. I'm thinking again", and watch that thought float through like a cloud. Refocus your mind on what you are sensing in your body, hearing with your ears, and seeing with your eyes.

You can transfer this method anywhere. When you wash dishes, notice the warmth on your hands, the colors of the bubbles, the smells, the feeling of your hands working over the dishes. You can do this with cooking, brushing your hair, really anything. And it does work. Just remember to acknowledge your thoughts as thoughts, and let them pass by like clouds.

There is an author that I turn to always when I am down and now is no exception. I keep several of his books by my bed, and one in my purse. It almost doesn't matter which you read, but if you're able to concentrate enough to read, his words calm me and remind me of what's important. The author is Thich Nhat Hanh. An amazing teacher who makes mindfulness easy to understand.

Hope that helps.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Effexor XR / Venlafaxine SR

Satu, I am currently on Pristiq which I hear is a cleaned up version of Effexor. I've had very few side effects, but have heard that one needs to wean off of it like Effexor. It seems to be working??? Jury is still out. I don't think I've been on it long enough to tell for sure.

How are you doing???

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

some progress

My personal philosophy of depression is overwhelm mixed with chemicals going wrong in the brain.

Sweet Goofy, I don't think there's anything wrong with turning down the volume on the answering machine for awhile anyway. Or with turning the ringer off. And caller ID was created by angels I think. I was advised to leave an outgoing message today to the effect of-- Hi, we are family focused and we check our messages every couple of days. Please leave a message and we will get back to you in one or two days.

I'm not sure if I'm the only one that feels this way, but modern technology has contributed to depression. I think that a lot of us (If not all of us) need time away from constant contact. Life seems to be moving too fast.

But I do love technology for another reason. It allows me to contact who I want, and if they choose to respond, then great! One of the reasons I love the internet and email. Hate the phone. It is so intrusive.

As for the laundry :) I have no advice on that. Mine might start walking soon and I don't think I'd shed a tear. Maybe I can teach my answering machine to do that too. I'll let you know how that goes :)

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Understanding what happened helps me to accept.

Wow Rebbie. I was really moved by this post. It was incredible to read that you are moving from a self-blaming place to one where you realize that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do-- the person you are loving so much has a disorder that makes it impossible for him to give you what you need.

I hope your regrets don't last long. You've learned so much and it sounds like you've raised wonderful sons. I hope you walk tall and hold on to that understanding that you're okay-- that you were enough, and that you are enough. That you are a beautiful caring person deserving of love. It sounds like your giving that to yourself finally. Bravo.

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

What did you do to prepare for this?

I can say that it is a slow process for sure. I get impatient and I want to get better more quickly because sitting with the pain is so hard. Full on fetal position hard sometimes. But I will let myself go into that position and just breathe through that pain. Feel numb, maybe cry if it comes, sleep. Since I've gotten on medication, that hasn't happened as often, but it still does.

I am working this program. I'm only on session two, but I found session one and two invaluable. I'm sure the others will be too.

Posting here helps so so so much. I write even when I don't know if anyone will read it. If you are shy to post, and reading here helps, then do that, but maybe try journaling in a book. Writing helps so much.

Mindfulness meditation works the best for me of all of the tools. Every minute of every day I keep trying to stay present with whatever I'm doing or feeling. I try not to project into the future or the past while at the same time dealing with things that I know affected me in the past, or that I need to deal with in the future. I hope that makes sense. Maybe this example will help: While I'm staying in the present, I notice that I have a memory of something in my past that causes a sudden burst of pain/regret/fear. Staying in the present, I call a friend/journal/paint whatever that pain is and let it go as best as I can and refocus on the now. Process it as best as I can. When I go into the future and worry about how I will make my car payment/where will I live when I'm old/will this depression last forever mode, I really really have to stop myself and be very clear that I'm being abusive to myself. All I can do is make the arrangements I can make today, and let it go. Tomorrow I'll do the same. And the next. That's a promise I've made to myself and actually a gift of this bout of depression.

I also like what Bear said. I can't stand to be ignorant of topics that are important to my life and so I've educated myself well on the subject. If you have a computer, then the world is open to you to learn more about depression.

Lastly, no matter how bad I feel, I believe in myself (I believe in myself even when I really don't-- fake it till you make it thing). I believe that I'm worth this fight. I might feel worthless and horrible at times, but those feelings are like waves on the ocean. They flow up and down, come and go. Underneath the ocean is this place..... much deeper. When I'm caring for myself, and doing what I know I need to do to get better..... I can access it intermittently. Not always for sure. But that place is peace. Just peace. It's a place that's more precious to me than happiness.

Hope this helps someone.

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

getting away and trying something different

Last check-in, I told everyone that I was going to go camping on Saturday with boyfriend. We've been dating for 8 months and he's been trying to get me to go to his ranch for many months.

So, depressed and all, I went cause I know this is part of session 2.

Um. Wow. I can't even express the experience. We were in the foothills of the Sierras. 157 acres of pure nature. In the background was the snow covered mountains. Where we were was the most beautiful grass covered hills with all of the early wildflowers blooming. Huge fields of purples and yellows. Lots of orange colors and wild herbs. We ran into a bobcat crying for a mate, and some wild boar.

I tried things I've never tried before.

Going to time out for a sec and don't want to lose the letter. So will continue in a minute.........

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

getting away and trying something different

k-- back.

I learned how to drive a quad, there was no electricity at the cabin or running water. He built everything by his own hand. I was really amazed. It was so quiet. So peaceful. And we were able to really connect.

I've asked him to hang back while I worked on this depression stuff that I needed to work on. He's been impatient at times, and very patient at others. But he's waited and done his best to understand. He cried this weekend and told me that he's seeing me come back. He told me he was so worried. And so I worked on reassuring him that everything is going to be okay. I am coming back to myself with some rearrangements and refocusing. Lots of self care stuff. But also some us care stuff.

Session two goals are almost complete :) This one was important to me.

I could have posted in the relationship section, but really this was a bit of both of goal setting and relationship stuff.

Things are getting better.

thanks to anyone who posts.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

getting away and trying something different

I think it's really important for me to continue to communicate honestly with him, but to also push myself a little even when I don't really want to do something. Tomorrow he wants to take me out to dinner. Honestly, I don't really want to go, but when he asked, I said, "Yes!". Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow night, but my connection to him is important, and I don't mind working to maintain that. If I have a really bad day and really can't get up, I know he would also understand.

One day at a time Miss Ashley :) That's how I'm planning on maintaining that connection.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

making difficult decisions

Nothing will change unless I make changes.....

I realized that I was hoping that the medication, posting, working the program, and reading was proactive enough. But now I realize that I really do need to make some bigger changes. I'm a little better for sure, but still struggling.

Epiphanies are great things :) That old lightbulb resparked slowly at first, and then was finally glowing over my sad head. Working two jobs, raising a little boy by myself. It's too much. And because of my tendencies to think that I can always do more than I actually can, I understand that I need to break this lifelong pattern.

The really hard part is that I love both of my jobs (for different reasons). The agency I started, and my work with seniors (that's the job with the understanding boss). She called me yesterday and gave me a raise, changed my title, and gave me a staff (I was running the program by myself). This is the same woman who is allowing me to not worry about work until the 15th, and has only given me one specific project to deal with.

Of course the dilemma is letting go of my own business that is doing well-- that I put my blood sweat and tears into. That I love very much. But it is night work that I do after I do my other job.

My children are suffering, I'm suffering, and after many tears that were more about grief than depression, I decided that that is the program I need to let go of. Dealing with perpetrators is also contributing to my depression because I'm surrounded by a lot of neediness and negativity.

Anguish describes the past few days as I've struggled with this decision. My income will drop incredibly, but I'll also lose a lot of expenses that I had to make to keep the agency going. The raise will offset it a bit. I won't have to pay for as much childcare and can be there for my kids. Maybe I can even take a walk once-in-awhile, paint a picture, tickle some toes.

Maybe there will be no more snapping that "I'm busy!" when my kids need something. I might even be able to daydream instead of just handling many pressing issues and collapsing into bed.

I'm a little scared about the financials, but I've really weighed out the pro's and cons. And for anyone who cares, I still haven't smoked!

I will end this letter as I began it: Nothing will change unless I make changes.

xo to all of you.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Diva's rainy days...

Goofy, you cracked me up.

Welcome home Diva! I have to agree with everyone else. I'm also in the field and see people's diagnosis change when they see a new doc. It's frustrating for them. So Goofy is absolutely right. And she is also right about personality disorders not being about you being inherently flawed or bad. Many many many times personality disorders are accompanied by depression. External circumstances in our lives can actually trigger chemical imbalances. It goes both ways-- genetics and externals. It can be hard if not impossible to tell which came first for a person (the old chicken and the egg thing).

Anyway. Please do stay. I love reading your posts too.

big hugs for you.

deb

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