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for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Need some help

I'm so glad A. I really meant everything I said. How are you doing now?

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

challenges

First, let me say that my antidepressant has finally kicked in (thank God) because life has suddenly become very challenging and I don't know how I would have handled everything had I not been depressed first, and gotten treatment. The universe was preparing me to deal with this stuff???? Don't know.

My depression started in October.

I don't think I've mentioned that my very healthy 20 year-old became extremely ill in November with an irregular heart-beat, and really bad stomach problems. He was in college in San Francisco, but had to come home so we could figure out what is going on. We have been to a lot of specialists, and I'm seeing him deteriorate while each test is yielding no results. He's been drug tested-- not that. Very wonderful guy. All the experts agree that there is something wrong, but no one knows why. More tests pending.

Lots of job shifting things that I've already told you guys about.

My dad went into the hospital for internal bleeding and was diagnosed with a stomach aneurism. He stablized after a blood transfusion and went home.

I went away this weekend with boyfriend to his ranch, and got a call Saturday night that dad was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (for those of you not familiar, this is really really not good). So I've been at the hospital a lot. Monday, a friend called to tell me that a long time childhood friend was killed in a car accident.

In the meantime, dad's girlfriend called and asked me to pick up dad's dog and have him put down. She has always hated the dog, but told me that he was too much trouble and unable to get up and walk. That dad and she couldn't care for him anymore. That the dog was really old and sick. I picked him up and he smelled so bad that I thought I was going to be sick. I took him to the vet for an assessment, and other than being 15 and having a tumor on his toe, he was in good health. So I brought him home. Will continue in a minute after I put little guy to bed.

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

challenges

She flipped out. Told me that I would kill my dad if he knew I took the dog, threatened to never let me see my dad again if we (me, mom, and my sister) didn't kill the dog. In the meantime, she bought a little shiztzu that she's bought little outfits for.

She hasn't fed this dog my dad loves since he's been hospitalized. I think she was hoping he'd die.

At first, she called my mom crying saying that she loved the dog so much that she couldn't handle putting him to sleep. When my mom picked up the dog, he was seriously neglected and we decided to take him to the vet for an evaluation. He's old, but he's fine and it was decided that he would live with me. When my sister visited my dad later, dad's girlfriend told her (as she was panicking more and more about her decision), that she had planned on telling dad that my mom had stolen the dog for no good reason. That he was alive, and living with my mom. So gross that it leaves my head spinning. She figured that she'd never have to take my dad to visit my mom, but didn't count on the fact that he and I still see each other.

Horrible day.

I'm breathing. I keep breathing. I'm not going anywhere. I apologize for recounting ridiculousness. I'm not big on recounting dumb details but more talking about process. The nut version is that I'm feeling very clear, have made the right decisions in lots of different areas, and am really getting better. And I have a beautiful, clean, pure bred golden lab (who happens to be 15 and a little scared), sleeping peacefully at my feet.

Next...... what in the world do I tell my dad when and if he gets to come home? Evil step mom was planning on telling her my mom kidnapped him. Evil step mom takes complete care of my dad for which I'm grateful and I'm worried that she is so hell bent on wiping out any memory of my mom, that she will try and keep his children away if I don't comply. But we already decided not to comply because my dad LOVES this dog.

God. Advice anyone??????

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

challenges

First, thank you Goofy. Sometimes when I'm in the middle of things, the waters start to get muddy. That's one beautiful thing about talking to others-- they can offer much needed clarity--which you did :) Yes. I was totally projecting! When I realized that's what my little brain was up to, I was able to refocus on just handling what's in front of me. And I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

Second, the issue has resolved itself. My sister went to visit my dad today and told him and he was actually relieved his dog was in good hands. My step-mom came unglued though which my sister and I just can't figure out. The matter is resolved, and everyone's happy except for her which is just plain weird. I said to my sister, "Why does she want that dog dead???!! Did she stuff diamonds into his behind and needs to retrieve them????? Cause that's the only thing that makes sense." My sister got a good laugh outta that one.

Josie, thanks for what you said too. That was very loving and compassionate.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

You top 3 list - Favourite Song Lyrics

This is really hard. I really liked everyone else's songs (the one's I recognized anyway). Love Soak in the Sun, Tears in Heaven, most stuff my Neil Diamond, and Neil Young rocks. The artists I didn't recognize I'm going to check out. Thank you to everyone contributing to the list.

I had a hard time picking, and these are only my currents too:

1. How Can I Keep From Singing-- Enya

2. Road Trippin-- Red Hot Chili Peppers

3. Lose Yourself-- Eminem

Yeah... Eminem. That song is uplifting, strong, and inspiring though. So I like lots of different music, and that's my tiny list. And Goofy, I loved that story too. So sweet.

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

challenges

Gosh Kat, I haven't seen you for awhile and was so happy you wrote!

I think you're right about the ratting part. But I would never ever because it would cause my dad pain. There's no point. I'm not vindictive, and other than this weird deviation, she has been great.

I guess I'm doing okay. Some days are harder than others, and I've been crying a lot. But that's better than where I was when in full depression because I felt nothing and couldn't cry. So at least I'm feeling. I've got support here, I have a therapist that I'm seeing once a week who is really good, my sister is here whom I adore. Our way of supporting each other through difficult times is by trying to crack each other up-- it's almost like a contest. Humor is a good coping tool for me. And she's really really funny. Just a bummer that she lives so far away. My friends are really funny and supportive too (and they happen to be therapists also). So I'm okay given the circumstances. I've gone back to work, and have been able to keep working. My job is flexible so I can pop off to see my dad whenever, and take my older son to his appointments. I have a really good man by my side who loves and supports me. Really, I have what I need to get better. These things are just normal human challenges and I'm doing okay. Each day seems to bring it's own challenges, but Goofy actually snapped me back into realizing that I only need to tackle each day, or hour, or minute.

checking out for a minute. Be back.

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

challenges

Sorry! I've been pretty verbal lately.

So Kat. The dog is already spitting diamonds :)

He had to live outside in a small kennel and was never allowed in the house, was really skinny, filthy/stinky, and has a benign tumor on his toe that was bleeding/weeping. He was so stinky that my little 6 year-old neighbor walked by him outside and yelled, "OH! That dog is making me dead!!!"

His dad helped me get him into the tub so he could have a warm bath, and we used half a bottle of the large sized shampoo scrubbing him. The water was black. His coat was matted and chunks of fur came off. We took turns brushing him for 3 hours and filled up two large kitchen trash bags with fur.

At first, he was scared to come into the house because he's never known that luxury. He got use to it quick :) I've had a little trouble getting him to go out now to go potty because I think he's scared he will have to stay out there. So I have to sit outside with him until he knows I won't leave him-- then he'll go.

I have him scheduled for surgery for the tumor, and also scheduled with a groomer because despite the intense bath, he is still stinky (but ten times better).

Here are my diamonds. He won't leave my side and looks at me with those doggie eyes that only doggies can do. Pure love. Oy. More responsibility but worth it. I'm doing this to honor my dad, the hidden benefits are that my kids love him, he is saved, and I'm feeling the love from him, and I love him too.

My dad was released from the hospital today. He can have up to 5 years if he takes care of himself, or one week if he doesn't. So there's some anxiety there. My son is lined up for more tests. It's hard waiting for the specialists. It seems like we have to wait 6 weeks in between appointments for each. The next test is April 7 for the gastrointestinal camera. The next is with his cardioligist. He's already been CAT scanned, stress test for heart, 24 hour heart monitor, ultra sounded, had the barium swallow to look into his stomach, and we even took him to a chiropractor in desperation who actually helped. But it was only for a week.

thanks for listening! Need to go to bed so I can keep on trucking tomorrow. You are all so awesome.

Deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Need some help

Yeah, we aren't going to stop pestering you for an update. Lots of people here care about you A and you've been a little absent. I think we all know how being absent feels. Sometimes we just can't write because we can't get out of bed, or we are doing okay but busy.

But write if you can. I worry about you when we don't hear. I'll try not to, but you are a strong presence here and I miss you.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Thinking others don't like you...

I use to struggle more with this one when I was younger, but remember it well. I've gotten to the place in my life where I embrace my weirdness and think it's just fine. Let's face it, normal is boring. We weirdies have a lot of character, and a lot of compassion because we have struggled and know how it feels to struggle.

So I say, "Embrace and adore our unique qualities! Take our weird selves out to lunch and for a walk! Give our weird selves a pedicure!"

We all have gifts we bring with us to share with this world. Share those gifts too while your strutting your proud odd selves around. Fall in love with yourselves.

I got the best compliment this morning from my boyfriend. He hugged me and whispered, "you are so unique, and so beautiful."

Here's to being loved for our uniqueness. But we have to start by loving ourselves first.

There's my 2 cents.

deb

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 102

Loss

Lance,

Of course the virtual hug won't do. That would be an insult to you.

I am on the point of losing my father, and can only imagine your pain. I've been doing a lot of pre-grieving. To actually lose someone you love is a whole other ball game. But to lose 2 people in one day that you loved. And we expect to lose our parents first. To lose your brother and a cousin. There is something about that that hits wrong and would make my head spin if I were in your shoes.

It actually makes me ache that you were able to reach out. Bittersweet ache. There's nothing we can say to take away your pain and confusion, but we are here for you too. I know I'm here. If you're able to write more, I'll be here. If you can't, then I know that you are just grieving.

Either way, please know that we are thinking of you and understand, each in our own way, your pain.

deb

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