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Posts created by Courage

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Journaling

Hi Craig Christ,

You are no longer in silence, and we are here to listen. You're taking some very strong and positive steps in your self care. Welcome to the site.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Do I talk to my employer?

I work for a great organization, and sadly, as with all workplaces (on some level) there is the she said/he said, or chit-chat behind each others backs etc. A co-worker informed me today that there have been a couple people, including but not limited to my office mates, commenting or asking questions about my work etc lately. She was informing me in kindness, and would not give me details, only that she wished to remain neutral and had directed staff to ask me if they had questions...they have not approached me.

I did send an email through to my supervisor, as I felt it was my responsibility to take control and make myself accountable.

I really am not shy about my depression, but at the same time, feel that some people really think it's a cop out. My co-workers are aware that I have depression/anxiety but do not understand that I am currently experiencing a difficult bout.

I'm really upset by this. I really want to feel the passion for my work that I know is there - it is parially the depression and partially the workplace politics that has me really down in the workplace right now. I have what should really be a feel good job, and I feel worse at work than I do anywhere else right now.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Do I talk to my employer?

Thank you wellandhappy for your post. It was much more helpful than perhaps you realize. I knew as I was reading that what you said was in fact truth - and that I would likely say something very similar to someone else in need. It is the depression and negative self talk that often doesn't allow us to see that truth for ourselves...without a third party.

I have been having trouble posting for the past few days - but your words meant a lot to me, thank you.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Journaling

It's been a few days since your post, I do hope you are feeling better. Perhaps it won't mean much at all from where you are now, but from my own experience it truly is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I have had my heart broken...it has made my heart stronger, more forgiving, and giving than I thought possible and I fully believe I am a better person for it. It will take time, but try to find strength in this journey.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Just introducing myself

Hi Tiana,

Just wanted to let you know I saw my doc today. We have another appointment in two weeks time. She gave me some info about a counselling service at the local University, they offer services on a sliding pay scale...which may allow me to afford the counselling. Counselling in the past has always been positive (while difficult) and beneficial. She also gave me some information on medication...I really am not keen on meds though, too scary in my mind...but I will read through the information and do some more research.

I have had some positive moments, and feel I am getting some more support from my supervisor at work. I also have been pretty hard on myself about some things the past couple days, and between that and the doctors today (anxiety trigger) I am exhausted.

I'm by no means up to par, but feel I have been more productive in the past couple days....moving in the right direction.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Not sure

Really not sure if this is the right place to post this. Just having a hard time with myself today...I'm not sure I can explain fully. I haven't been up to par, and it has been evident at work - I am making small positive steps...mixed in with some blunders/not up to pars...yesterday I had a hard time telling someone "No" right off the bat, and it made it more difficult I think for that person today to hear a full "No". I feel horrible for saying no, although I know it was the right decision, I also feel really horrible because this person had their hopes up and I let them down. I can't help but wonder if I had said no right away would it have been better, or easier for the person? I really believe that the decision is the right one, but can't seem to let go of the negative feelings. I think I could have handle the situation differently and that it could have been not such a let down if I had.

I have taken more time today to start really reading through the sections here. I start counselling on Tuesday, and think that I will ask the counsellor to help me work through this program as I still haven't completely taken on this challenge.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Not sure

Thank you both for taking the time to write. You are both correct. Late the next afternoon, I had the opprotunity to speak with this person again, and explain a little better why I had said no - I also honestly explained that it was a difficult decision for me, that I really had wanted it to work out, but it just wasn't possible. The person was more understanding and accepting than they had been initially and seemed to appreciate that I was sensitive about the matter.

Another event over the weekend has me thinking (too much). The depression has one see in negatives - so my girlfriend was saying something to me and in the moment I found it to be rude and pushy and I was getting aggitated...we were driving at the time in poor weather and I really wasn't feeling comfortable. After the fact (which did end up with my car in the ditch and needing a tow...no damage or injuries thankfully) in thinking about it, I realize that my girlfriend only said what she was saying because she was trying to help calm me in the situation. We haven't had a chance to discuss it...but I know her well enough to know that she wasn't really pushing me, and know myself well enough to know this was my negative self. I seem to have a bit of a knack for taking things out on my girlfriend before I can re-assess the situation.

There is a very small part of me that wonders if maybe I am too forgiving, for my own well-being, that maybe there is some justification in my initial negative feelings in some senario's...how do you come to trust yourself...your thoughts and feelings when you flip-flop so much? I have always been a thinker...and often an overthinker...I like to investigate all sides...but at what cost?

There are some real comparrisons between quitting smoking, and dealing with depression...in that quitting smoking is a puzzle, each person has different pieces and has to arrange them a specific way in order to quit successfully...this journey seems similiar in that respect....I guess I am looking for some puzzle pieces. In quitting you tear yourself down in order to build yourself stronger...and I hit the depression on the way to building the stronger version of me and so it feels I am back to tearing myself apart before I can build up. I feel quite sad about this as I write it. My girlfriend really doesn't deserve this and I am keen to get back to a positive place with her...we've had some fantastic moments - even admist the depression, but we have had a handful of events similar to the one above.

Sorry, I am just writing by way of trying to work myself through this. Suppose journaling would be better than airing my woes...but I find it helpful. It somehow makes it more real when someone other than me is reading it.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Not sure

Thank you, for you very thoughtful response thinkhard. I appreciate your perspective.

I am sad simply because I feel like I have been here before. Life is this ongoing journey of lessons and I feel like I should be further ahead in this journey than I am. I really dislike that I have allowed the depression to distort my rapport with my girlfriend (and that's not to say that I am 100% to blame for any differences we are having right now)...but it saddens me that going through the process is having some negative impact...and am a bit scared that if I keep being negative it will come between us. There are some really fantastic parts of me, there are parts that need a little tweaking, and some parts that just really hold me back...that need to go. There also exists some sadness because I think some of these changes will dictate that I need to take a step back from my relationship with my girlfriend, and while in the long run I think we can be really wonderful together I am not certain we will be strong enough to move past my stepping back...and of course there's the part that doesn't want to step back at all simply because she is so beautiful to me.

Years ago, I had a job simliar to the one I do now - my dream job, and I let it go...or wasn't well enough to keep it. I also lost my house, and a very close friend through this (I also found many pieces of myself in the process of putting myself back together after these losses...though it took years). I am trying so hard to keep moving forward, and though I see and feel some of my progress each day, and I am being more proactive this time around, I feel like I could loose in all in a flash, through my own action or inaction.

Every step could potentially be a mis-step, or could be the step that leads me back to who I need to be. Fear and sadness, with a dash of hope. Really need to turn this to hope, with a dash of fear and sadness.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Not sure

PS love the word ruminate...very fitting. And the simple answer is four...cows don't really have four stomachs, but they have four individual compartments within the stomach.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 21

Learning to FEEL loved

Hi thinkhard,

Firstly, your want to grow in this way is a great and deserving gift (to yourself and to the one's that love you)...it is not self serving at all. I have heard or read somewhere that often communication gaps occur in relationships because we tend to give love in the way we wish to recieve love, and that the way we each give and recieve love is different. Perhaps if you explore the ways you give love, you may learn about how you could best recieve love. Since hearing this I find myself more aware of what I am doing to express love - and whether it is having the impact I want it to have. I try to listen to other people, when they provide information about how or what they would like.

Take care.

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