Abusive Realtionships with Family
Hey. I could really use the perspective of other people on this one. It's been going on for a while and it's really got me down.
I am a 21 year old female, 5ft 11 (vey nearly six foot) and I weigh about 15 1/2 stone. That's a UK size 14/16 dress size. For the last couple of years this has been my constant weight, but my family just can't seem to accept me for who I am. It began with little prods about needing to lose weight and has escalated. At easter my mother said she didn't feel she could have friends round when her daughter "looks like this. You don't make an effort, you don't wear nice clothes and you're overweight". Then my stepmother (hark who's talking) gave me a massive lecture on it (a size 20 herself and only 5ft 5), followed by my dad and my grandmothers, one of whom is 5ft 3 and has managed to eat herself into diabetes. Now my mother (having finished uni. I am back at home until I can afford my own place) is giving me tiny portions, not letting me eat certain foods, and has me on 1300 kcals a day. Today she told me she was ashamed of me and didn't like the daughter she had. I am ashmaed to say I lost my temper. But I felt completely crushed. So, since I got my tea taken away form me for my (rightly) appaling behaviour, in the last 24 hours I have had two slices of toast, one roast potato and some stufiing and I feel ill.
Every single mealtime, without fail, I am being encouraged to eat as little as possible and miss meals where I can. I am a veggie, and I get eaily anemic, so this is making me exceptionally tired. I thought my boyfriend would be on my side, but he just encouraged more exercise and told me to follow her rules.
Maybe I'm missing something here, but until my (literally) entire family began tellin g me i was "killing" myself I was happy with who I was. It seems to be them that has the problem. But I just don't know. I feel fat and ugly and unworthy. I am self-harming to try and cope but I hate being forced into this. My mother sees it as if I live in her house I must obey by her rules. But it's my body and although I am overweight, I eat healthily.
The real problem is that I'm afraid it's starting to sink in. I can't seem to eat food anyone without their voices inside my head telling me I'm fat and they are ashamed (which they have literally said).
I'm sorry this porbably sounds like a rant, but I'm at rock bottom, and I could someone telling me whether or Not I am thinking correctly. I have followed the program and tried to work out what my faulty thinking is, but with everybody around me saying the same thing it's really hard to judge.
Any advice or comments would be a huge help.
Thank you
LilyElsa
