I belong to a Toastmasters club in Canada. Been 3 years since our local club chartered. This year I was talked into being President. Now that is a big challenge for an introvert with depression. I have found it hard work. Sometimes I feel like I am pretending to be someone else. Have to be brave and welcome guests. Organize meetings and get others to take on roles has been tough for me. Encourage others to work on their goals and sometimes being let down when members do not pull their weight. I have to learn that they are not really meaning to hurt me, they are just not taking responsibility for what they said they do.
Toastmasters has really given me the opportunity to try things that I never would have done on my own. I never imagined that I could chair a meeting, much less become club president.
Did something this evening that I have not done in ages. I called a neighbour and asked her if she would like to come with me to see a workmate's Halloween haunted house. Workmate puts a lot of effort into this and I felt he would be disappointed if I did not show up.
I have developed a phone phobia in the past few years. It works like this; If I have to call anyone on the phone, I have a big fear of them rejecting me. This fear makes it hard for me to ask for help for even the most normal things, like calling a repair person for a service call; calling to buy hay for horse; calling just to chat, and yes, even calling a neighbour to see if they are interested in going out for an hour for a little entertainment.
Not real sure how it started. I work in a incoming call centre for business that accept credit cards and interact card. My company does the processing of the transactions and deposit the proceeds into the business person's bank account. The home-phone phobia likely comes from being on the phone 7.5 hours 5 days a week. Not all customers are easy to deal with. I think I am like the carpenter that builds all day for customers, yet has the sagging deck and rotting back steps. They swing a hammer all day and really does not want to do it at home as well.
Calling neighbour was hard. Her enthusiastic yes was a great relief. We had fun and I know my enjoyment of the haunted house was increased because I was doing it with some. Yep, we screamed and laughed at ourselves.
Calling people to arrange pleasant events and to get work done is one of my treatment goals.
I am having difficultly with the Thought Record forms. I am not noticing a change in moods. The form advises to make the recording after an event. I haven't really had many 'events'. I think I am a bit of a flat-liner,as in not having ups and downs in moods. My happy times seem to arrive slowly. Since the new meds the Doctor prescribed have helped with anxiety, so not getting nearly as 'stressed out' at work as I was a month ago. Yes, noise at work still bothers me. Would this be described as an event? Can the thought of "It is too freaking noisy in this office to think properly and hear what my customer is saying on the phone", be what is expected on these thought reports?
Nice to meet you. I have started this program about 4 weeks ago. I had been pretty down at that point, feeling quite a bit better this past week. One of the things I want to learn is how to identify when I am beginning a downward spiral. If I can do that, then perhaps I can work on getting myself better, before I do much damage to relationships, work and family. My history tells me that I am usually the last to know that I am depressed. I am in my 50s, may have had a mild depression when I was a teen. I remember my mom taking me to a doctor because I slept all the time. Doctor asked me if I had boyfriend problems and that was it. Got back home and went to bed. The second bout could have been when I was pregnant. I though I had a 5 month bout of morning sickness. The big one was about 4 years later. Perhaps brought on by the stress of being a single parent. Husband left about a couple of years after our daughter was born. My doctor told me I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He let me suffer for 2 years, till the day I saw him and told him that I was so frustrated, anxious and stressed that I was afraid of hitting my daughter. He asked me if it was OK if he gave me an anti-depressant. Told him that was OK with me. Willing to try anything. He told me that he was surprised that would take being told I was depressed so well, and that he had been afraid to tell me before. O My God, I thought. This doctor let me suffer for 2 years by telling me I had irritable bowel syndrome, Chronic Fatigue, A typical Hepatises, stomach ulcers, etc. I felt cheated out of 2 years of my life. I got better. A lot better. Sure there has been some down spells. Usually caused by difficult life events. That just gives me the confidence that I can get better this time as well.
Wow I can ramble on once I get going. One of the homework assignments is to post every day. Is getting it 'all out there' a method of improving?
All the best to you.
Decent day at work today. Halloween and some staff dressed up. Me, I got a little dressed up as well. That was a bit of fun. Some costumes were really great. Make me wish I have made a bit more of an effort. The Christmas party is in a couple of weeks and costumes are encouraged for a Rock-a-Billy theme. Perhaps I should give it a try.
I certainly had something to put in my Though Record today.
It went something like this: Very noisy at work. We were having some computer issues and some programs were not working well. I had been coping quite well, till two agents were standing and yelling back and forth about their inability to get access to an important application. (You need to visualize 40 call centre helpdesk agents in this room. 50 more in adjacent room.)The noise of the normal activity can get bad this time of day. Their extra volume was a bit much. I suggested they use communicator to compare their issues to the closest yelling co-worker. They could just write to each other and keep quiet. Didn't work. Though about the fact that I have the next 2 days off to give me strength.
My thoughts: This is nuts. Don't they care that the rest of us are trying to talk with customers. Told the quiet chap next to me how much I appreciated his quite demure. He knew what I meant when I said, "It is hard to be an introvert."
My feelings: How thoughtless some people are! Headache starts and upset stomach. Difficulty concentrating, and stressed. Happy thought, I have the next two days off.
I went out side twice today and glad I did. I had been out first to work on flowerbeds and play with my horse. I haven't ridden in 4 years because of an injured shoulder and now I am afraid to ride this horse. So I just play with her on the ground. Later in the afternoon I decided to go out again. It was a beautiful late fall day. The sun felt so nice, took the horse for a walk to the mail box. Then played with her in the paddock. I think this plan of not expecting to much of the horse is doing us both some good.
I know a bit about feeling ashamed of ones body. I have always been self conscious. I can't figure out why I should feel that way. When I was younger I was always slim, yet I still felt like I was unworthy to wear a bathing suit. Now that I am 59, the years are catching up to me. I have put on that middle age spread tummy and hips. The only time I have had a bathing suit on in the past two years is to go to one of those Polar dips in New Years Day. The by-standers only get to see you for about 5 minutes. You quickly get out of your snowsuit, run across the ice to the hole that is surrounded by fire-fighters. Jump in the hole then get pulled out by a fire-fighter. Then the race back across the ice to your cloths. Come to think of it, that was a lot of fun. I should do it again sometime.
Go outside even if it is just to sit on the front step.
Few more days till the work Christmas party. I made a jacket to wear. Looks OK. First time I ever made anything with a lining. That was interesting.
Working on my scheduling pleasant activities. Went to a house party that was featuring a Blues singer. Not may people showed up. I talked to strangers, Yah me. Not disappointed that there was only a few as the music was good and I was proud of myself for going to a strange place. Only one person there that I knew their name. I was not afraid about going. I was surprised that I was excited when I was getting dressed. Picking out what to wear, fussing with makeup and even matching up earrings to necklace.
You are right I missed the "Beliefs." Beliefs as my prospective on things. My beliefs could be nothing close to the truth. I expect my beliefs of that other people are thinking or not thinking at all will be something to challenge. That seems to tie in with my wish to be able to identify when I am becoming depressed, so that I do not leave myself in a bad state for too many days. Need to learn to recognise when I am not doing well and take preventive action.
Still having problems getting time at work to fill out a thought record. It has been so busy lately and there is pressure to be as fast as possible. Yesterday when I was having a bad time I just made a couple of notes on a pad to remind myself of what was happening. Later I was able to use the Thought Record before I went home.
Off for another day at work.
All the best to all of you,
Galianna
Work Christmas party went well. Plans of getting into party cloths in the work place restroom just after getting off from work at 5. Then driving to party site all OK. Funny thing made me laugh at myself. I was busy apply make up in the restroom grabbed my perfume and in my hast I sprayed my face. Eyes OK sure smelled nice. Ha Ha. Then off to the hotel where the party was held. Normal for me to feel awkward going on my owned to an event like this, strange to feel a bit lonely in a room of 200 people. Had some people to talk with, meal good. Pleased I went. Some of the girls really made an effort to wear styles fitting the Rock a billy theme. They looked fantastic. A successful evening.
I wonder what I can do next?
