Anne-Marie,
Thank you for responding, it has been a downhill day.
My therapist asures me of the same things. I am young, and I do have time. But I can't help but think that I'll never get it. Even though I have time, I've lived nearly 1/3 of my life and I still can't get it together. I've always been a quick learner, and I've always been able to succeed and exceed when I wanted to. In everything but life in general!? How does that work?
I have interests, and they sometimes are enough of a distraction, but they can also be a problem. I gravitate towards the Arts in just about any form, but mainly writing. Poetry and Short Stories are my focus. It is just so hard to think of what good those are in the face of my failures.
I know I am chasing my own tail. I continue to feed my own fire and depression. I am so exausted with myself.
My therapist and I are working on understanding where my decisions are being made. He has explained to me how Freudian thought has advanced, and instead of the id, ego, and superego, we have the Child, Adult, and Parent (perhaps his lables, I don't know). We have looked at my decisions and it seems I am deciding everything with either my Parent or Child (Child acting grown up). I can hear myself spouting off lines that my parents have said, making black and white situations out of an aray of choices. I understand this but I am having so much trouble doing anything with it. I can see when I am making a decision based on my parents value systems and lives, but it makes sense to me (and ofcourse it makes sense because I have been doing it that way for so many years). Not to be cliche but it really feels like putting a square peg in a round hole.
As for my dreams and goals, they just seem to add to my depression. All my life I have had this feeling so essensial to my 'being.' I hitched my life to it, its my answer to "why are we here". Love and a family. I want to share my life with someone I love who loves me, and I want to have children, to create life.
I'm only 22, but things are pretty bleak on that front, and furthermore I am afraid that the 'golden' opportunity has already passed and I messed it up. And that scares me more than anything. Death doesn't scare me in the face of that.
Again, sorry for the novella o