Thanks for replying Matthew. I'm plrased to learn that things are looking up. Keep us posted on your progress.

I am sorry for waiting so long to respond. It has been a long week. I am feeling better, and I agree with you on many points. It is difficult. Part of my frustration comes from repeated failure, but as my therapist reminded me a few weeks ago, I was failing over and over, because I was approaching things the same over and over. What is the AA saying? Stupidity is trying the same thing over and over expecting different results? I have always been anxious to get on with life. To grow up, to do the 'real' things in life. I missed out on a lot of being a kid because of that, and I am finding with the help of my therapist that I also missed out on some very important life lessons. It's difficult to think that at 22 I am learning how to live. Last week was I think the worst I have ever reacted to my depression. I have been more depressed, but last week I canceled my therapist apt. because I felt to depressed to talk (that was a bright move huh ;)). From last saturday till this sat. I hadn't eaten one full meal, and ofcourse I could barely sleep. With the combination of no food and my meds, you can imagine the physical and emotional 'sside affects' of my actions. Thank you for responding. You, another board, and a friend of mine really helped me pull out of last week, and I was really starting to think I never would, and it might even be better that way. I see my therapist again on Wed. and I will be telling him about last week. I feel much better now because of some long awaited resolution with a former serious girlfriend. School is still on the menu for next semester, with work only part time. Hopefully I can manage the semester better, and take on less responsibility as to not spread myself too thin. Everyday people overcome more difficult situations that mine. That doesn't make mine any less valid, but what I need to remember I think is that my low self asteem is what tells me that I can't cut it. Again, thank you, and I wanted to mainly let you know that I made it through the week and things are looking up. Thanks again. ___ Matthew

I know there's probably nothing more frustrating than being told you're still young when you feel tired and depressed. I sure don't want you to feel worse than you do. Short story writing is fun even though few ever make a living at it. What qualities and abilities do you think a person needs in order to be able to do that? Off the top of my head, I'd say it requires creativity, persistence, patience and concentration. It also requires presentation, imagination, a knowledge of twists and turns, a knowledge of language, of sentence and paragraph construction, an inner sense of timing and suspense, to name a few things. If you enjoy that, then you already must have some abilities, see? You may be quite observant and sensitive too. The writers I know are specialists in another field and they apply that knowledge to their writing. Perhaps it may seem to you that many people know what they want to do in life from the time they're little, but in my opinion many more do not know. I find that many people sort of 'fall into' things and later are not happy, looking to change careers by their thirties. Some pick something from among the obvious choices, but there are some who are not attracted to the choices facing them. Without goals, some approach choices by the process of elimination, trying out various things before they understand what sort of things they do not like, such as office work, or routine work, for instance. Life teaches us things every day though. For instance, we learn to distinguish and separate 'toxic' friends from good ones. We learn of opportunities. We take some chances and try a few out, like maybe working on a cruise ship for a season and getting in a little travel at the same time. Life can probably change so quickly for you in that way in the next couple of years. Every day is a learning experience and opportunities do arise if you keep your eyes open for them. We're not inept at everything, and sometimes some unrecognized abilities lie under our very noses. For instance, I was in the company of two people in their twenties last week who just last year described life just as you do at the moment. Both dropped out of high school and seemed to be a big disappointment to their parents. But they are creative and sensi

Anne-Marie, Thank you for responding, it has been a downhill day. My therapist asures me of the same things. I am young, and I do have time. But I can't help but think that I'll never get it. Even though I have time, I've lived nearly 1/3 of my life and I still can't get it together. I've always been a quick learner, and I've always been able to succeed and exceed when I wanted to. In everything but life in general!? How does that work? I have interests, and they sometimes are enough of a distraction, but they can also be a problem. I gravitate towards the Arts in just about any form, but mainly writing. Poetry and Short Stories are my focus. It is just so hard to think of what good those are in the face of my failures. I know I am chasing my own tail. I continue to feed my own fire and depression. I am so exausted with myself. My therapist and I are working on understanding where my decisions are being made. He has explained to me how Freudian thought has advanced, and instead of the id, ego, and superego, we have the Child, Adult, and Parent (perhaps his lables, I don't know). We have looked at my decisions and it seems I am deciding everything with either my Parent or Child (Child acting grown up). I can hear myself spouting off lines that my parents have said, making black and white situations out of an aray of choices. I understand this but I am having so much trouble doing anything with it. I can see when I am making a decision based on my parents value systems and lives, but it makes sense to me (and ofcourse it makes sense because I have been doing it that way for so many years). Not to be cliche but it really feels like putting a square peg in a round hole. As for my dreams and goals, they just seem to add to my depression. All my life I have had this feeling so essensial to my 'being.' I hitched my life to it, its my answer to "why are we here". Love and a family. I want to share my life with someone I love who loves me, and I want to have children, to create life. I'm only 22, but things are pretty bleak on that front, and furthermore I am afraid that the 'golden' opportunity has already passed and I messed it up. And that scares me more than anything. Death doesn't scare me in the face of that. Again, sorry for the novella o

Hi Matthew, welcome. I've personally never known anyone who was good at everything. In that sense we all have weaknesses and difficulties in life. Some of us make the same mistakes over and over too and feel behind others in some respects. Some are later than others in getting going. At 22, life still lies ahead of you in terms of dreams and goals. Everyone has some interests though. What are yours? What does your therapist say of this?

My name is Matthew, and I have not posted here before, but reading your previous posts I feel I have perhaps found somewhere to share, and hopefully learn. I am 22 and in US. I can recall being depressed since I was about 13 or 14. I didn't start recieving treatment until about 9 months ago even though I, my parents and friends knew it was a serious problem. I wanted to 'beat' depression on my own. My mother has been depressed as long as she can remember and did not start to recieve treatment until she was in her late 30's early 40's. I guess I thought I could do what she did and survive it. But in the last two months I have really seen some bad times. I am currently on effexor (300mg) and welbutrin (150 i think) which seem to help. Since I have been taking them the frequency of depression has been much less, how ever the severity is either worse, or I am just not holding up any more. My therapist and I are working on some mood management, and understanding, well more like learning how to make my own decsions. As it would have to be, I ofcourse have realtionship problems (I am still in love with my ex of now 2 years, who is engaged), and school problems, and work problems. Though I guess at this point I have quelled the school problems (not going to class anymore). I really feel like I have no options left. I feel like I have tried so much, and yet I am still having the same problems (and still dealing with them in stupid ways) as I have for years. I honestly think sometimes that I just am inept at 'living' life. And if you fail at life... I mean, how can someone fail at life! And if you fail at life, what do you do? I've never had a problem with suicide. A long time ago I decided that life was the most precious gift, and forsake, to terminate that by rejecting it would be the worst possible thing, or sin if you believe in sin. But I've got to honestly say that more and more I keep seeing fewer and fewer options in my life. I'm afraid. I haven't been able to get it together yet, what if I can't? What happens then? I worry that I am not strong enough for life. I am down right frightened and I don't know what to do. It feels like I have been trying forever, and that I've tried so much. I'm sorry this is such a long winded post, and so much junk. I