I just discovered this sight and saw your post from April so i don't know if you're still checking in on this sight. If you are than I just wanted to tell you that you are a very brave, strong person. I hope your situation has improved but regardless DON'T GIVE UP. I attempted suicide on several occasions when I was 17 so I have an idea as to how you feel. I am now 45 with a 9 year old son. Life is still a struggle for me at times but there are a lot of resources out there and even though it may not seem like it - many people do care. I care about you and I don't even know you. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know that's a cliche but it is so true in your case! THE PAST DOES NOT EQUAL THE FUTURE. Fight to better your life. Do whatever you need to do to keep moving forward. Read, write, talk, whatever, just do it. If you're interested I'll share some things that have helped me throughtout the years. I'll give you my e-mail address if you'd rather not post on this forum. Whatever you wish. Let me know. Let us all know how you're doing.

Hi me, If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. This may help you with better insite about what is going on. Also, ask your doctor about free clinic's in your area, that provide support groups and a free psychiatrist. Most of all, I can see that your boyfriend and mother are very kind people, use them for support. They are there for you and want to help. I hope that I was able to point you in the right direction. We are all different and I am sure that you will be able to enjoy the next stage in your life. Remember that we are always here for support and hopefully be able to answer your questions and concerns to the best of our ability. Take care and be sure to keep us posted Josie

hi everyone thanks for posting your stories, it really helped me to see that i'm not alone. kepa, i can totally sympathize with you. i'm also 18 and grew up with a similar background. my family is in serious debt and i have a non-existent father who only shows up to make my life even more miserable. i was molested when i was 4 by my mom's best friend and only recently have had the memories appear which has made these last few months even harder. to make matters even worse this is the first time i've ever admitted to anybody that it happened. i didn't even tell my counsellor...i know it's not my fault and that's pretty much all she could say to help me with it...i've seen a few counsellors but we really can't afford it so i've stopped going as it's not getting any better. i've had to leave college for the time being because i just couldn't make myself go anymore and now i have a full-time job that i should love but can barely make it through the day at. when i was in high school and in college my mom truly thought that it was just pure laziness that i didn't study but truth is i just couldn't make myself do anything at all. i never had any thoughts of hurting myself until last week when i just felt so awful i actually had an urge to do something, i'm not even sure what. i'm lucky enough to have found the most wonderful man be with but it's rare for me to actually tell anyone, including the counsellors, what i'm really feeling. my mom has done her very best and i don't want to add anything to her plate by telling her whats going on because she hates the idea of things not having a quick fix to them. also, she would think it's her fault or that there is something that she can do to help but there isn't. she also hates the idea of me going on medication to help me deal. i've been on celexa and paxil and neither did a thing. i was going to be in a clinical trial for a drug that's already approved in the states but that they're testing here in canada but i couldn't even get myself out of bed for the appointment less than a mile away. i really don't know what to do. it seems like everyone else in life has it so much easier than me. i feel as though i have trouble with everything, especially making friends. everyone told me that i was going to meet

Hey nodiggity, hopefully it's not too late too reply since no one has posted in a while. Anyway I feel you man.. I have had the same problems. I've had many problems with sleeping in the last few years. I couldn't seem to get any rest for some reason and that would translate into low activity during the day which pretty much made me feel depressed about the way my life was going. I really didn't feel like doing sqaut. I noticed you say you had an alcohol problem, I can relate to that in way but for me I have always been addicted to cigarettes. For some reason I got into the habit of staying up late and sleeping during the day. Well I quit successfully on one occasion and then I got better for a while. I was pretty much out and about and sleeping normal hours and feeling pretty good about myself healthwise. Then It all started all over agian when I started smoking agian. Now I'm pretty much stuck in this lifestlye that I don't want. Poor sleep and lack of motivation to do anything. I've been putting off getting a job for the longest since i graduated college. I really don't feel exicted about anything and especially doing what I should be and starting some sort of career.. Anyway I wish i didn't go back to the way I was that's what bugs me the most. I pretty much chose to live this way and I can't seem to just snap my fingers and undo it. Hopefully some way I will just pick myself up again and start living a normal life. I don't know how it's going to happen but it has to happen. Anyway man just thought I'd post since what you were saying sounded allot like the way I've been feeling lately.. I feel your pain. Take care.

Hey Kepa, I don't know if you still reading this board, seem like not many people have posted in the last month. Anyway I just wanted to say you seem like a smart person getting on the Deans list and in school. Maybe you can get some finiancial aid for school to eaze the burden. Or maybe get a part time job and live on campus or near campus. You're pretty young so you should be enjoying your life and not living under such stress. It sounds like you're not living in a positive environment with your family so maybe you should look into what other options you have for living arangments. There's no reason you should have to feel like a burden or be burdened by them. That's just my opinion about it. Hope it helps.

Thanks for the reply, kepa. I just wanted to let you know that I identify with the whole parent thing. Of course our situations aren't exactly the same, but for me, as if it isn't hard enough dealing with my own feelings and thoughts, on top of it, especially when you're young, you have to deal with your parents and I know mine didn't understand when I was 18 and still don't. I too suffered from anxiety and depression my whole life but didn't get help or recognize what was going on until I was 18. At that time I was a freshman in college and was only able to complete two years of school before I had to drop out. I could barely get out of bed and the only times I did was when I was gonna be drinking. That's a part of my story too. But I got sober in 2000 and it's sad that it's been this long and my depression still rules my life. But, anyway, my point is that I know how it is to be in school trying just to stay afloat and dealing with the pressures of my own and my parents' expectations of me. And I know that can just make you more depressed when you're not living up to what you think you should be. That's one of many contrubutors to how I'm feeling and acting right now. I'm not doing or can't do what I need to and it makes me feel so ashamed and guilty that it paralizes me from doing what I need to do. And it's a vicious cycle and I've been riding around in it for years now. Once in a while I'll break the cycle but it's very short lived and I'm right back in it again like I never left and it just gets worse. And as you can see from the time of this post that another way I'm not taking care of myself is sleeping right. It's another pattern I'm stuck in: staying up late and sleeping during the day. Just something else to make me more depressed. I just don't get why it is that I fight getting better. It seems like I work hard at staying depressed by doing what I know will make me feel worse. What sucks is that I think that since I've had these feelings my whole life that I'm scared to feel good and let myself be content and stay that way without sabataging anything good that comes my way. I didn't mean to ramble on and I hope my post isn't too all over the place.

I just wanted to say to nodiggity, I know what you mean about feeling like you're "lazy," I'm 18 and in school and I'm behind in some of my classes and not doing as well in my others as I would like to. I have an hour commute to get to and from school so everyday when I get home, I'm tired. Well, I have major depression and I think my fear of being "looked down on" and putting my parents through more trouble is what keeps me getting out of the bed every morning and going. But anyway, when I don't get things done I automatically think to myself, "It's me. I'm lazy and I should have done blah, blah, blah..." I don't think, "Well, I made a mistake, but I'm going through some tough times right now and I do a lot of other things I'm supposed to, which I should be proud of considering how I feel." I think what you are thinking is laziness is really just your negative thinking. Anyway, I want to write a lot more, butI have an early class tomorrow and I need to get some sleep. I'll post some more later, but for right now, hang in there :)

Hello nodiggity, You have come to the right place! Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. If you have any question or concerns with our site or please contact us at support@depressioncenter.net. We are the Support Specialist for The Depression Center and are open to any questions or concerns you may have. Most importantly, please take advantage of all our tools, as well as our support group. The wonderful support group has a multitude of information and they are extremely supportive. Ask questions and feel free to contribute to others. Please post often, and we look forward to hearing from you again, Josie

Hi there. This is my first post and visit to this site. I wish I had all the answers so I could be of help, but if I did I probably wouldn't have visited this website to begin with. I came upon it after doing some searches for moderated online support. So, even though this post won't give the solution, hopefully it'll give you something to identify with. But, even more, I hope to get feedback from people. Sorry for probably unnecessary intro. Well, I came to this site out of desperation. I seem to be a slave to my emotions, which are very negative ones from my chronic major depression. But, I'm getting to the point that even though I've been in treatment for this for about 5 years that it's just never gonna go away. And I think that maybe it's not even the depression that makes me isolate, eat, sleep irregularly, not shower, not socialize, not leave my apartment, not do housework, just to name a few. I've been in outpatient programs for the last 5 years; some more intensive than others. Currently I'm on what should be more than sufficient medications and have attended countless group and individual therapy sessions. I'm supposed to be going to two groups a week right now as well as have an individual session and psychiatrist session each week in the program I'm in now. But I'm stuck in this pattern of not showing up for things. Including this program. Throughout all of my treatments I've struggled with just getting to the programs. I know I can't get better if I don't go, but I think maybe I don't ever go regularly or stay commited cuz I think it's hopeless, not working, and not gonna work cuz all the therapy in the world won't make me get up off my butt and take the right action. I feel like it's not my depression that's got me down, it's me and my laziness and fear of life, people, success, failure, and my own thoughts and feelings. I think that I get so used to staying inside and not showing up for life that it makes it difficult to suddenly get up, shower, and go out on days I'm supposed to be at my program. I haven't seen my therapist or psychiatrist in over a month, even though they've made efforts and given me more chances to show up for their appointments. I often think that maybe it's just God's plan for me to be a shut-in and I should just go with

Hi, Thanks for posting with us. Please realize you are definately not alone. There are many others that feel the same way you do, and perhaps even worse. What's important is that you have reached out to us and you need to talk it out. Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. If you have any question or concerns with our site, please contact us at support@depressioncenter.net. We are the Support Specialists for The Depression Center and are open to any questions or concerns you may have. Take it one day at a time and it will get better, step by step. Josie