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What's the Use

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 99

hi batty, my son is fine. i spoke with him yesterday. thank you for asking.

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

thanks kendy i appreciate you helping me look at things for another point of view. you are very sweet. how is your son? have you spoke to him recently?

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 99

No, it's not an awful thing to say. It's an honest thing to say. I would guess there are probably times when your son wants you to leave him alone as well! The best advice I can give is to read through some of the encouragement you have offered to me. My therapy yesterday left me profoundly sad. This man works so hard on my behalf but I left feeling like I may never see him again. Very fatalistic I guess. I know in my head that I will. I have things to do this week and if I just focus on them I will probably get through the next seven days. It just seems like such a long time. Silly huh? I'll be thinking about you. Take care.

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

im actually not feeling so well today. im very tired and irritable. im worried an episode might be coming on. im feeling very useless today. im not sure what happened. i started to not feel good last nite. i was very irritable with my son. i just wanted him to leave me alone. isnt that a horrible thing for a mother to say?? i feel awful today. im at work tho. i have to go. just wanted to vent i guess.

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 99

Hi Batty, My baby is 21. It's very hard to have him gone. He and I are extraordinarily close, probably because he's an only child but also because we understand each other so well. But on the other hand, it is a relief that he is not here. He is no longer subject to my moods and my pain on a daily basis. I don't have to keep trying to shield him from how I'm feeling. He can tell on the phone when I'm down but it's not the same as living with it every day. I am married to a very kind man who has never been depressed or had a suicidal thought in his entire life. He prefers just to pretend as if there is nothing wrong. He's here but he's not. It's hard to explain. He puts up with an awful lot but he's not much help even though I know he tries. There have been times when I've left the house, been gone for a few hours, and he hasn't even noticed I'm gone. I self-injure from time-to-time and have walked around with cuts on my arm and it is days or even a week before he even notices. Then he feels terrible. I don't want to make him feel terrible. I'm just so tired of being invisible. Sometimes I really believe that I could disappear and no one would even notice. Logically, I know it's not true but it doesn't change the way I feel. Well ironically I have to go to therapy now. Thanks again for caring.

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

kendy i worry so much about u and what u are feeling now. are you all alone or do you have a signifigant other? your son is now grown...something i worry about too. my son is almost 15 and he has his own life now and a girfriend and friends. i find myself sad when he isnt home. i wonder how i will be when he is "gone" ya know? does it get worse? whats it like to cope with your son being grown and so far away?

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 99

Hi Batty, I have a son too. He's all that keeps me here but now he's grown and in the Air Force far away (not in Iraq thankfully). He's still very dependent on me and calls at least once a week, often more frequently. I love him so much it hurts. I've been on several kinds of medications over the years. Right now I'm on Wellbutrin, alprazolam (which is like Xanax), and the generic version of Celexa. I see a psychologist once a week and a psychiatrist every couple of months for a meds check. It seems like every time I go to the psychiatrist he changes my dosages. It seems like we get the depression to a tolerable level and then the anxiety flares up. We up the anti-anxiety meds and the depression worsens. I know I need to take them but sometimes I wonder if I could feel worse than I do now. For the last week the bad thoughts keep coming. I try to push them aside but it wears me out. Today I just wanted to stay in bed. I try to do the things they tell me to do but it doesn't seem to help. My psychologist is a kind man and has helped me get through some really bad times. He keeps telling me to look at the long-term to see how much progress I've made over the years. Sometimes I see it. Sometimes I don't. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I am so tired. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. But your kindness is appreciated. Thank you for your concern.

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

Kendy how are you feeling today???? You arent bringin anyone down. thats what this place is for. to express yourself and not feel bad about it. you are allowed to feel how you feel. im not hear to talk you out of how you feel. i am here to support you and how you feel. to be a shoulder to cry on when needed. all i can keep telling you is i understand how you feel. in a way i find comfort that you understand how i feel but in the same breath it is so upsetting to see someone else going thru what i do daily. i am proud of you for coming this far. i know its not easy...it sucks. sometimes i would get so angry for being so tired. i was so frustrated and i just didnt want to go on. i had an excuse tho, my son. somehow he seems to keep me trying. i cant seem to let him down. ya know? its hard but i know someone depends on me and i cant let him down. it wouldnt be fair to him. im not sure of your situation or if you have an "excuse". but i gotta tell ya for you to get up each day the way you feel is amazing to me. i find that you are stronger than you think. as much pain as you are in you are still doing it. i dont know how long you can hold out but i hope you do. i hope you keep posting and dont feel like a burden. you are very valued to everyone here. we can ALL relate you how you feel. i am here for you. you dont have to be alone. tell me about your meds and your pdoc and tdoc...if you have one. im very interested.

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 99

Batty you are very sweet and I appreciate what you said. I've been doing exactly what you describe for such a long time, such a long, long time. Taking each day as it comes, sometimes fighting for each hour and I am just so tired. I don't feel special. I feel damaged and useless. I wonder if I just don't belong here. Thank you for responding. I guess some small part of me does not want to give us, else why would I be bothering to post my feelings. I don't mean to bring anyone else down.

for 19 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

kendy i was thinkin about what u said and you are right. for ppl with this disease there is a point where it seems there needs to be an end to all the madness and sadness. i have been on that ledge many times. there are no words to "make it better". it hurts. it just does. all i can say to you is there are people here that will listen and not judge and i am one of them. it feels like you are alone but you are not. i can promise you that. even if i can only offer a temporary bandaid to help you thru a tough time, that is better than nothing. you dont have to let that ledge rule your life. i wont lie to you and tell you it will be easy. it wont be. you have to fight with all you have in you and then fight some more. you have to think before you act. you are intitled you to feelings, good bad or indifferent. you should never need to feel ashamed about feeling "ill". we all feel that way. some of us are just at different stages. reach out. dont give up. i ask you not to. i ask you to hold on one day at a time. if you need to get a second opinion. thats what i did. you dont have to settle. it is your life. fight for it. you deserve it. know you are special and needed. you are strong and i believe that. we are all here for you.

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