Hey Batty, I know you won't get this until Monday but at least you will know that I was thinking about you. Yeah, I get freaked out about going to stores too. I try to avoid it whenever possible. Sometimes I paint every day and then I may go for a week or so without doing anything. I guess I kinda go in streaks. It does help. Well, it's really late and I better get to bed. Talk to you on Monday. Kendy

kendy just wanted to check on you and see how you are. i am doing ok today. im ok when i am at work. i keep my mind occupied. i get a lil nervous when i go home because i know that my thoughts start to get a lil weird sometimes. i have to go to the store this weekend and i tell ya i am a nervous wreck. i hate being afraid to do things. i usually end up putting it off and putting it off. when i do have to do things i try to do them super early so not many people are around. do you do things like that? anyways....i think it is awesome that you are so artistic. being creative is a great outlet. i envy you. my creativity is blah right now. how often do you paint? sounds like you have a busy schedule with school and life in general. its good to keep busy. well i am leaving work. (i only post monday through friday) i hope you have a good weekend and are feeling ok. take care and i will talk to you later. hugs

good job on the final. i only have a minute to respond. my son had to have three teeth pulled and i am meeting him at home to take care of him. (my dad took him) yes, id like to exchange email address but how do we do that without everyone knowing? ya this site is quite lately. seems its only you and me posting...haha. i think i could learn so much from you and maybe have someone to help keep me focused. you have nothing to gain or loose and neither do i. ya know? you definetly have helped me and i hope i have helped you. i appreciate it. i really do. well kendy i will talk to you later tomorrow. have a good nite. byeee

I'm back. My painting...well I use primarily watercolor but I like mixing things up a little so some of my stuff has a little acrylic and some oil pastels and even a little colored pencil from time to time. I do a lot of trees and roads and rivers, stuff like that. Rather lonely landscapes but interesting enough, I am drawn to lots of color and brightness. My psychologist says it's because deep down underneath the illness, I want to be that kind of person. (Couldn't prove it by me.) Lately I'm much more into abstract, modernistic stuff with lots of movement and texture. I'll never win any awards but I like 'em. Yeah, I've gotten pretty good at masking my illness but I do have to say that how I'm feeling today is actually approaching normal, whatever that is. It's such a relief. And it's terrifying because I know that another bad spell will come eventually. Every time I wonder if I'm going to get through it. This last one was so bad. I'm fortunate, I don't have any side effects that I know of when I'm on the meds except a little tiredness from the anti-anxiety meds. But when I quit for that week, I had headaches like you wouldn't believe and was climbing the walls. Real smart when I was already in the pits. I put on weight when I first went on meds a few years ago (and I was big to begin with) and I haven't lost what I gained which is frustrating. Oh well. I'm kinda thinking that this website is really fizzling out. Hope not. I know we're not supposed to give out e-mail addresses but if it looks like something is going to happen, I'll try to give you mine. I've never been in the hospital...came really close on a couple of occasions. Well, my final went OK today but I am beat. I think I may just go and take a little nap. Take care! -- Kendy It doesn't freak me out that we connect. Isn't that the whole point? :)

Hi Batty, I don't have much time but I wanted to reply so this will have to be short. I'll come back later and give you more details. Right now I'm not working. I left my job after 14 years last October. The stress was literally killing me. I had a physical last September and my blood work was a mess. My medical doctor was very concerned so after much agonizing, I decided to leave. Last January I decided to take a couple of classes in psychology (ironic, right?). I have a degree in French (I know, what was I thinking) which is pretty much useless so I'm now thinking about getting a master's degree in another field. I'm finishing a summer school class (today actually, that's why I don't have much time) and will take several more in the fall. It has been emotinally challenging but I needed to do something because it's too easy for me just to sit home. I hope to start graduate school next spring or the fall of 2006 depending on when I get my prerequisites done. Sorry gotta run. taking a final today. I'll write about my painting later. hugs

kendy its weird coz the things you say almost parallel my life. the way you speak of your son reminds me of mine. he takes things in stride too. he knows tho about the suicidal stuff because i was hospitolized 4 months ago. wow...that just hit me. i was in there for three days and i was feeling so horrible. wow..i have come very far in four months. in my thinking and thought process even. like ive said ive only been on meds for four months. three of those i was a mess. ya know, im constantly thinking about my illness and analyizing it. trying to learn about it and deal with it. sometimes i resent the fact that my parents never helped me as a child. think of where i could be now. like i said before i seem drawn too you kendy. i hope you arent freaked out by that. i can relate to the things you say. im glad your session went well. you paint? that is awesome. i used to paint and draw and write all the time but lately i havent felt up to it. what medium do you use? i used to paint gothic gurlies. they were all dead. i was big into that whole scene. i even collected coffins at one time. i guess that is because i was so obsessed with dying and hurting. i dont reflect on that anymore, or at least not since i have been on the meds. i feel better when i am on them so you are right i better stay on them. i think it is maybe normal to like you say, cycle. at least from all the things i have read from other ppl and all the articles ive read. sometimes i guess i just feel so bad about feeling bad. im allowed to tho. we all are. i am so pleased to hear you are taking your meds. what side effects where you having? if you want to share that info. i dont want to push you to talk only offer and ear. ya know tho, even tho i am on meds and i know they help me and i need to be on them, i still feel alone. i still feel like no one will truly ever know me. i keep ppl at a distance. i have let two ppl in and they devestated me. one was my ex husband and the other my recent ex boyfriend. how have you stayed married for so long being ill? i cant even seem to maintain any lasting relationships. i usually end up sabotaging them sooner or later. i wonder if anyone else behaves like that. i am really curious to here about everyones opinions a

Well, I don't really know why I started feeling better. I think it could just be part of my normal cycling. As far as taking the meds, I started to have some withdrawal symptoms from stopping the anti-anxiety meds and realized that I needed to do at least that much for myself. My session went well. I paint, so I took some of my work in to show him. We talked about some other things too which was good. Raising my son, well first of all I am fortunate enough to have a husband who ran interference for me but for a lot of years I didn't really know what was wrong with me. I guess he was about 15 or 16 when I finally realized I needed help. I think he has handled things much better than I have. It helped him to know that all of my emotional upheavals were not caused by him. He just seemed to accept it I think because he has always known that I love him more than anything in this world. I didn't share the suicidal feelings until he was much older but I told him enough so that he could understand my moods and stuff. In a way it was a relief to all of us to know what was wrong with me. I was sexually abused by my father too. I didn't come to terms with it until I started therapy. I remembered everything but didn't realize what it was until I started talking about it. My dad was very sneaky and subtle so it was very confusing. I also struggle with agoraphobia and panicking. Well, that's all for now. Take care and I do check for new messages every day so if you need to vent, I'll be in touch.

kendy, you are an appointment today with your pdoc right? let me know what happens. my next session is the 19th. i need to discuss some agoraphobic feelings i have been having. after my divorce i couldnt leave the house for almost 2 years. i get so panicky everytime i have to leave the house now. i wonder if anyone else on this site has had those type of feelings. i think alot of it has to do with my ptsd from being molested by my father. i live with paranoia constantly. some days are better than others. so when reading your last post you said you werent feeling very special and thought you were whinning. you also mentioned the money and the time not being worth it. u were in a funk of sorts. how are you feeling now? i know you said you were taking your meds again, im curious to what changed your mind. if im not prying. how was it raising your son and feeling the way you have felt always? since your son is older than mine i thought maybe you might have some insight for me. my son seems to be dealing pretty well under the circumstances. i try very hard to NOT involve him when im feeling bad. i let him know i dont feel well but i really dont give him many details. he is only 14 and i dont think he needs to be that involved...am i right? i just wonder how it was for you. or anyone for that matter that has kids. how is functioning able? ya know? well i better get back to my work. my brain is just not here today. kendy i hope you have a good session. if you want to talk about it let me know. you sounded a lil better. im always here to listen. :O)

It's ok Batty. I understand. I seem to cycling back up during the last week or so. It's a relief. I had a very long, very bad spell. All I can offer is that sometimes there is nothing to do but wait it out. I understand not feeling up to long messages but if you will check in from time to time and let me know that you're still around, I will try to do the same. It is good to have someone who understands. hugs back at you

kendy i am sorry i didnt reply. i havent been feeling so well but you already know that. tell me how you are feeling today now that you are taking your meds? i feel a bond with you...i hope that doesnt make you uncomfortable. you seem to "get" what i say. and i can totally relate to you. i do hope you are feeling better. please let me know. hugs