Hi sweet surrender, Nice to meet you! I can understand what you are saying about not wanting to die, but to end the pain. I think that is what all depressed persons really want even if they express suicidal ideations. It is not necessarily life that I want to end, but the extreme pain I feel myself stuck in. However, when I am in the throes of feeling those irrational thoughts of dying, it is very hard to differentiate between temporary and permanent life situations. When I feel this depressed, the depression kind of has a life of its own. It takes almost complete control of my thoughts and willpower to live. It distorts reality in such a way that it cripples your thinking of a way out. I feel trapped and kind of like unable to move in the positive direction that I know I should find. So I don't know if this helps you or not, but I do understand at least from my perspective what I feel like during those times. Hope you are doing better, take care

Hi all- I have been reading this post since it started and have been trying to decide how to respond. For me it isnt as if I want to die- I just simply want things to be calm and for all the hurt and pain to go away.I have to admit that I have attempted once and that the last time I got to feeling that way I reached out and was admitted to the hospital. I truly do not wish to do harm to myself because I know it is a permant fix to a temperary situation but the thought of peace sure is hard to resist sometimes.I just remind myself daily to take things one day at a time and to keep hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.My wish is for all of us to be able to find that peace that resides in us and to keep putting one step in front of the other.I want you to all know that I put youl in my prayers and when even one of us lifts the other up then we all have a lifeline to hang onto.Hugs, cj

Hi CVMarksman I read your post and have to admit that I feel very much the same way about the dying. Every night I pray that I won't wake up in the morning. I also pray for the strength to get through the next day if I do. I wish it would get better and hope it might with this program. Best wishes to you.

Dear CVM - It's so nice to read your posts - I feel as tho you are really talking to me and you have a lot of good points to make. First, the silliness - I only responded about a cruise because you wondered what it would be like if a bunch of depressed people got on a cruise liner.... Yes, I was on one once and it would have been dull but it was short and stopped at lots of ports. My favorite trip of my life was camping for the month of October in Europe. It was the most perfect trip ever, except I lost my camera in Salzburg. Nice memories. I was in tears when I wrote - it all seems so hopeless most of the time. And then I feel ridiculous and self-indulgent because my life is so much better than so many people. I feel I should have very little to be sad about. I know that one is not supposed to do "should" stuff, and that anyone can be depressed, but somehow when I think of little kids in Africa alone and suffering with aids, having lost parents to this disease, I kind of feel a little ungrateful being sad about my life. Your place sounds so wonderful - I live in a townhouse complex of about 15 "villages" with about 20,000 people. It manages to be quit nice in spite of all that and my saving grace is living 5 minutes from a national park where I spend most of my joyous times hiking on the hills. My desire to isolate doesn't really come from disliking people (although sometimes the greed gets overwhelming) - it's more about just wishing that my life had turned out differently. I work around wonderful families with lots of babies and young people and although I love being around the children, sometimes it just breaks my heart that I never had any of my own. So, when I am alone in the hills with the deer and birds, I don't feel like an alien being - an anomoly. The deer don't ask me if I have children, or what does my husband do. They don't care that I am alone, and apparenlty unloved by anything "human" They tolerate me, and look at me and keep doing what they do. The thrush sing and I am lifted up (can't wait until spring to hear them again). I don't want any more than what I have when I'm in the park. Thank God for that park - I don't know where I'd be without it. And thank God for you and this website - I can feel a little

Dear Ms. Puck: I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Like you, I have my good days and my bad days - and you sounded like you were having a real bad one - probably were crying at the time you wrote your post...I know I was when I posted for the first time on this site the other night. As far as your idea, I don't particularly like cruises - have you ever been on one? I have done alot of traveling in my life (mostly in Europe) and cruises rate low on my list because they are boring! Just a bit of silliness there - I know that wasn't the main reason for your post. You obviously are a worrier and have a hard time feeling like you fit in with others...but really, do you know many people you would want to "fit it" with anyways? What I have found over the years is that there are ALOT of dysfunctional people out there - and that includes the ones that come off arrogant and/or seem to have everything going for them. I've long since stopped worrying about whether or not people like me, because truth be told most the time if they don't like me, I probably don't like them either! Please don't spend your time worrying about what others think about you- we have enough to worry about without adding that to the list. As far as the feelings of aloneness, I share your pain. I have a very hard time finding people I can relate to. I find that people around me spend little time thinking about anything other than making a bunch of money and buying a bunch of things. Few place as much importance as I do on family and the priceless gift of love. We all want someone we can share ourselves with - people that will be the witnesses to our life, because without those emotional connections all the rest of it (the new cars, houses, etc) don't mean ****. I am living your "dream" - I reside in a rural area outside of town in a log house on 5 acres with horses....I have to drive 15 min. just to get to a gas station and 30 minutes to actually get to "town". I can spend as much time out here alone as I want - without running into anyone. I can watch the sun come up and go down by myself, uninterrupted every single day. I wish I could tell you that this lifestyle eases my pain in some way, but loneliness is loneliness wherever you are. Don't lock yourself away - ma

Dear CVMarksman- I think it we all met on a cruise we would uplift each other and find wonderful kindred spirits. I think we have suffered and have developed a sensitivity that, if we can share it and turn it outward, would be very appealing. I of course, could never make myself go on such a cruise - "nobody will like me" "I'm too old" "I'd be left out" - All the negative thoughts that I am supposed to be challenging thru this program. I had a terrible session with my therapist tonight, and I don't think I will be going back to her. Things have gone downhill very quickly in the last few sessions - it's too long and boring a story to tell, but I feel out here alone and abandoned. She gave me a book to read on Borderline PErsonality, which I probably am, but somehow awareness just doesn't do it for me. I need advice and direction - or a good old bop over the head. Maybe that would straighten out my synapses and fix me up. Sort of the 3 Stooges school of therapy. I feel so alone - I just can't bear to write or talk about it any more tonight. The thought of starting this whole process over with another therapist is more than I can bear - suppose the same thing happens. I really want to go find a little cottage in the woods, near a nice mountain, and just hide myself away. God or somebody help me cause I cannot help myself.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It is important to share and realize that you are not alone. Progress lies in the hands of the beholder. Please take the time to look at the program and see the difference it can make. By using it step by step, you will be able to pinpoint and assess areas you want help in. Go through this with your doctor and let us know if we can help. It is worth a try and many members have raved of their progress. Keep Strong everyone, Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

Ms Puck, Thanks for your kind words earlier. Years ago when I was in my 20's and 30's, I experienced two sides of the coin so to speak. People my age were getting married and having children left and right. I was working at a stable job, and dating alot of different people, no one quite measured up to what I wanted. I always felt left out somehow like I was missing something. Sure I had fun times with acquaintances, but I longed for the day where I could just get married and have children in a stable home. My career was not important at the time. Time rolled on and each relationship ended I thought it was God's way of telling me I didn't deserve to be happy with a family of my own. Kind of cursed in a way. I put up a wall around me and became more demanding of what I thought I wanted in a relationship, when in reality I didn't have a clue. Other people who were married at my work would envy me for not having any obligations or children to keep them extra busy, but little did they know that I really wanted what they had. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side that is until you reach the other side. Fast forward 15 to 20 years later and now I am on the other side and still I complain. I should be happy now according to my standards and ideals I had years ago, but life constantly changes as do our beliefs and life goals and wants for our life. Now I feel like I am trapped in a loveless marriage, although I love my son immensely, he is not enough to get me through this now. I finally got what I initially wanted for my life, but somehow I feel let down, disappointed and discouraged over all the choices I have made. I feel so lonely Ms. Puck and guilty for being selfish in having all these thoughts. I have so much love in my heart to give, but no one really to share it with. As a result, I find myself turning away from others and becoming so bitter and angry alot of the time. I don't want to end my life like this, but I am not strong enough to leave or even think about a future starting over again. This is were I am in constant conflict with myself and hate who I have become. My therapist made an observation last week and stated that I use always, never, and every to describe my feelings. When in reality I would be more accurate

Dear CVM - I too think that I understand how you feel as I am alone too. I have never been married and have no children, so that's about as alone as it gets. I had many relationships in my life, but none that lasted - for lots of reasons, but mostly I blame myself. I am constantly feeling that my life turned out so badly. I get angry when people suggest that I do volunteer work, or be a "buddy" - and I shouldn't because they are good suggestions. It's just the idea that doing things like that can take the place of having one's own family ... and I don't have blinders on - I know that marriages end in divorce, and kids end up often ignoring aging parents. But it's LIFE - it's dealing with relationships - well, you know all about the anxiety and awfulness of that. But, as you said with the meds you don't want to be a zombie and feel nothing. Even these extreme feelings are better than nothing. I am trying out meds, and quit several because they were heading in that direction. I don't know what the answer is - maybe there isn't an answer. As I've said before, the only peace and contentment I find is walking in the park, alone, with the beauty of nature and the deer and birds. I'm no good around people - it's almost impossible to find people who have never been married and never had children. So those who have, and have had bad experiences, look at me and tell me I'm lucky. I know they don't mean to be cruel, but I would never tell anyone who was suffering, no matter what the reason, that they are lucky. Anyway, very off the topic, except to say that aloneness is terribly difficult to bear. So I hope that you find love and companionship of some satisfying sort, and in the meantime hang in there with "us" - all friends and folks who are in there suffering right along with each other. It's good to have you - everyone - out there to understand.

Hi CVMarksman...You really know how to get someone's attention (with the topic). It is a tough thing suffering from depression and not having someone to count on to listen when you need to vent. I am in a relationship...have family and friends, yet I feel so very alone in this. I think that is part of the depression...feeling that no one can ease the burden you carry by listening. I can only talk to friends about the goings on in very small doses as to not exhaust their emotional state. I find it very sad that this is such a common issue with people on this site. As for family...I cannot burden them with my problems. Where does one start in that arena? I know where my family is concerned, any "sharing" of feelings will be misread as being complaining. I know my mother thrives on this kind of stuff. You know, the martyr...All I would like to do is to be able to say that I am having a bad day...no explanation as to why...just having a bad day and leave it at that without having to find some way to justify it. This is not optional with family...at least mine. This is why I feel I am fortunate to find this site. Even if there isn't a single person on here that agrees with what I am saying...I can put my feelings out there for all to read without fear of ridicule. I go off on tangents at times...sorry Don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself some credit...you found this site...you opened up...you are on your way to recovery and just a little info on the meds thing... I prolonged going on meds for the first year of therapy and I found it to be the best and worst thing I had done...The best because I really got to feel all of the pain as I was going through it...the bad...that I got to feel ALL of the pain as I was going through it...Seriously though, I am on meds and contrary to popular beliefs...you do still feel...at least I know that I do. I still have very bad days where for no reason I am sad. I cry...I get angry...I laugh, so there is still quite a bit of feeling while the bad and good days are being experienced. You just need to find a doctor that will help you find the right meds to take the sharp edge off. No need to be comatose just because you are feeling depressed. Sorry, babbling again...Take care and post. What you t