Hi Torstan,
I thought I would reply seeing as no-one else has yet even though this is my first post myself!
I am 22 years old and am currently struggling through my 2nd depressive episode, my first one was accompanied by a nervous breakdown when I was 16. I come from a family with a history of PTSD, abuse, depression and anxiety.
This 2nd episode has not been quite so severe for me but is taking a lot longer to work through and is accompanied by lots more physical symptoms, like IBS and gastric upsets. I am also in therapy and on meds - which I have put a lot of faith in as both worked really well for me before.
I know the feeling of absolute hopelessness very well - when it seems like nothing works, you can't do anything right, you're never going to be able to fix things and that everything is just hopeless. You would end your life if you weren't so scared about the pain and what it would do to your loved ones.
I can't believe I'm saying this to someone else because I feel like this all the time - but please don't give up. Something that I find really helps me is talking with other people that feel or have felt the same way I do. I am on a lot of depression/anxiety/med forums where lots of people share their stories, what works for them and how sh*tty they feel. I also talk to my parents a lot because they have both come through depression a lot worse than mine and it makes me feel better when they explain how they were feeling - because it's often exactly the same as I feel. Then I at least know that it's part of this terrible illness and that I'm not just being melodramatic, making things worse for myself or something like that.
I also try and talk to my partner as much as I can - I only see my therapist once a fortnight so I use my friends and family as other sources of support. Even if its just explaining how I feel, trying to get them to understand these things about me, it feels like something else I don't have to hang on to. If they can understand how I feel then I don't feel so ridiculous and screwed up.
I'm not sure if this helps or not, hopefully it will! All else I can say is that life is great, it's such a fantastic gift and I can't wait to get back to 'the old me' so that I can enjoy everything like I used to. It is a re